Online Touch Substitutes

Online Touch Substitutes

CapnRick​(dom male) • Dec 6, 2019

I've been reminded recently by three subs (not all mine!) that what they find worst about being limited to online D/s is the absence of physical touching with their partner.
In my play online, I use more toys and ordinary items to try to create actual sensations. But these sensations cannot provide the actual skin to skin contact these subs say they crave and can't get online. I've used boas and other soft furry things--only limited success. For those of you who use Skype or other face to face contact media, do you think that helps simulate touch? Any other ideas--other than actually meeting? That's of course not an option for many.

Bunnie • Dec 6, 2019

@ CapnRick

I think it depends what type of touch you’re trying to replicate...

If it’s comfort, with my first Master there was a specifically described action that was very personal for us both that brought me a comfort like nothing else.
With the current Master I’m speaking with, we use a meme that signifies comfort, which does seem to help a lot.
I have heard of others using a clothing item that belongs to their Dom/me... either to wear or just smell or snuggle with. A stuffie could also be used.

If it’s kinky, guided masturbation and body writing is about as close as I’ve come to feeling connected in that sense. Clothing can also be used though... eg. a submissive masturbating in chosen underwear, and posting them to their Dom/me.

If it’s merely sensation... well, the imagination is the limit. Hot, cold, wet, dry, slippery, rough... and on and on it goes...

The struggle for me is that I simply don’t have the desire to inflict things on myself, because for me it’s about the connection that comes from sharing those moments together with someone.
It can be replicated to a degree online, but obviously it has its limits... especially for those who tend to be a bit more primal.

Philly Belwas​(dom male) • Dec 6, 2019

First and foremost I think the stronger the personal connection especially a non sexual one the easier it is to overcome. For me I try and use things such as ice to help try and demonstrate things like kisses and such. Combining it with a blindfold and doing a voice session I find puts subs in a different state of mind. Taking away first the visual stimulation let's their mind relax, then adding in the voice restricts another sensory point that helps amplify the first.

CapnRick​(dom male) • Dec 6, 2019

Bunnie and SirB --both useful additions to think over...guided masturbation, excellent! And the blindfold and voice sure beats texting, where eyes have to remain open to read... Thanks to you both!

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Dec 6, 2019

if it is sexual, there a lot Teledildonics on the market that work really well and have been tried and tested for over a decade. Lovesense springs to mind https://www.lovense.com/ and OhMiBod (American) https://www.lovelifetoys.com/vibes-toys/type/Interactive, there also android and iphone devices,
There are also ones that work with online videos that you subscribe to (for those without partners, I'm told this a great but not BDSM related) ..for E.G as the person in the video cums the intensity is amped up on the vibe. If its a fucking scene the vibe pulses and thrusts etc.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Dec 7, 2019

Cap'n

This is not something I have ever had a problem with and my experience has generally been LDR based. On reflection, I did think at the start that this lack of physical connection would be an impediment to a relationship with some caring component (which I think the majority of us want). In summary I have found that the lack of comfort touching is not an issue because, a) the sensations that can be achieved when deep into D/s are profound and quite unlike a normal hug/cuddle and so are difficult to compare, and b) as @Bunnie says, comfort can be supplied in other ways. These are the ways I approach this:

1. Voice. I have found that this is an incredibly important tool for most (forgive me for talking about my own experiences) women submissives. The voice, if properly used, is a lot like a warm blanket, providing warmth, reassurance, compassion. This can be used in a non-sexual way by regular voice contact (chatting or reviews) or by a routine of reading, perhaps before sleep, to your partner. In a sexual way this can be through guided masturbation, as Bunnie said, with the voice giving instructions, or indeed hypnosis. For all these methods a similar voice can be cultivated, low, slow, pauses, tactical repitition. I think such a voice - strong, dependable, comforting yet exciting, can provide amazing levels of comfort.

2. Routines and mantras. We find comfort where the unknowns are minimised. Having a routine or set of routines can be very useful in terms of getting you both into the comfort headspace. Essentially these routines allow you to both get in sync with each other and know that when you emerge from the routine you have an expected feeling or outcome. For me this is the essence of comfort - knowing where you are going at this moment and having comfort that your partner thinks the same way too. This is one of the reasons I love mantras so much (I wrote a little about them here: https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=19423&highlight=#19423). Even as a Dom I find great comfort in my mantras and I know that the various partners I have had over the years have really cherished them. Have an argument and moments of discord? Use the mantra to bring the two of you back. Haven't heard each others voice in two days? Use the mantra. She just came for you and is overcome with euphoria and emotion? Use the mantra.

3. Scent. Scent is a powerful tool and is best used when an experience has been anchored to a particular smell. So for example, I have two scents I use (one is the normal day scent, professional but prone to bouts of she might be had unexpectedly; the second, the going out scent, she is defenceless). Because my girl and I have physical time together those experiences are powerfully anchored in her mind to the scents. She knows the name of the scents and often, when we are apart, she seeks out the sample bottles in the department store to get a squirt on her wrist. I know that this works really well for her in bringing comfort when we are apart. I haven't tried sending her off with an old sweater yet, but will try that soon. I have no experience with stuffies, but i imagine that if scented and anchored to a good experience then it will work very well.

4. Objects. This can work in a similar way to scent if the object is related to you/the scenes in a specific way. For example for one of my early partners I bought a paddle hair brush with a smooth handle. The hairbrush was not expensive but it came from me, was used on her by me, and was anchored to some intense experiences. Just about every other day she would involuntarily say how much she 'fucking loves that hairbrush'. In addition that hairbrush, being a vanilla object could be out and with her whenever she needed it and was a solid extension of me that was always with her. That hairbrush was a comfort and had the added benefit of being able to brush hair - which is in of itself a comforting feeling. I have also been teaching myself to make clothes for my current partner and I know that she feels great comfort when she is wearing 'one of Sir's creations'. I like the thought of working on something that then wraps her up in my work - like wearing one of my hugs all day. Its as much a comfort for me as for her. So, an example would be the pantaloon slouchy shorts (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/madeleine) seen at the edge of my profile picture (https://thecage.co/profile/12718). This is something that she can wear round the house and feel close to me. Finally, I know some people do self-tying and I imagine that wearing a rope tie for a while (limited times of course) would bring some of the comfort sensation - I haven't tried that myself but others here might be able to give comment.

Hope you can find a suggestion in here that works for your situation.

Carraway

CapnRick​(dom male) • Dec 7, 2019

Miss B--Yes, I agree with you on the lovense gadgets--really effective when connected. I should use that more...
And NC--You get the Gold Prize for your insightful suggestions. I'm never going to make any pantaloons for my sub, but I totally get your other suggestions. Lots of food for thought and experimentation there in upping to new levels of comforting.
Thanks to all--I'm impressed and appreciative at the level of thought you've put into your comments!

witty bratty sub​(sub female) • Dec 7, 2019

wish there was a way to find someone who would be a stand in, if you will, for a Dom. I have the most wonderful online Dom but he just lives to far for us to see each other in person, but the craving for feeling interactions in person is overwhelming and a deep need that has developed. I though online would be enough and if it is all i get that's ok, but a desire has grown to be able to give over control and everthing that comes with t hat physically in person.

Bunnie • Dec 7, 2019

@ NCarraway,

I really like your suggestions and completely agree. Those things are definitely comforting and effective.

Voice, Routines/Mantras and Objects are things I have (and do) experience/d and love! Scent I haven’t, but think is a great idea. I have in the past asked what cologne or aftershave my Master wore so I could go and purchase some to have... but we didn’t quite get that far. I did however, wear the scent that was favoured by him.

If self-tying isn’t an avenue someone wants to go down, body harnesses can be a substitute... and the fact that they can also be leather, if you’re anything like me, just adds to it

Bunnie • Dec 8, 2019

So, another (perhaps controversial) option that I have heard of people doing is for the Dom/me to direct how the submissive will interact with their partner or others... for example, sexual acts or service etc. I have heard of this done both with the other partner knowing and being actively involved, or not being made aware.

I haven’t experienced this personally, so don’t know if/how well it works. It seems possible that it could be a potential minefield, but maybe it has worked for some (?)

*To be clear... whether or not I agree with the partner being unaware, isn’t the point here... you’re all capable of coming to your own moral conclusions... I’m just sharing a suggestion of other options I am aware of