I Kinda Need Help... (I had no clue where to put this so its in generally speaking)

Solace​(dom male) • Dec 23, 2019

I won't add anything go significant value but I can add a possibly unpopular oppinion.

I would suggest you don't ask your partner what he thinks about them, but rather for them to try it. See something interests you as a gentle forray into the world and see if they are willing to try it. To many it may seem like your partner is not a natural sub or Dom simply because they didn't appear very interested at first contact. However, they may not have enough experience with it to know it's something they desire.

As everyone said, go slow. This lifestyle is not a race. But importantly, go honestly with each other.

Sami A​(sub female) • Dec 24, 2019

I think it's really important to know what you want first. For two reasons.... first so you know your wants and limits and second so you can express your wants and limits. I think a good start is for you to talk to both Doms and Subs even if you know which you are. Also, he might just not be into it and that's also ok.

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Dec 24, 2019

i know how frustrating it. an be when you have the kind of desires and needs you described. You are getting mostly good advice from my perspective. I have a similar situation where my partner has no interest and has allowed me to pursue my interests online. For now, that works although it does not satisfy my needs completely.

i am trying to figure this out as well. I do realize i have made a few mistakes that has likely made it harder for her. I approached her about my interests years ago and knew her well enough to know she would only be interested in controlling me. We explored it together and i was so excited i allowed it to get the better of me. I did not let her discover what she liked, wanted, or needed to make it work for her. I was topping from the bottom. I allowed my excitement over being able to explore with her to blind me to what she needed.

it is important, i believe,, to go slow and make it as much as possible about his needs. What I mean, is to introduce some basic kinds of things into your sex life. You indentify as a switch so what do you think he might prefer. Maybe see if he would like trying blindfolds, teasing, minimal restraints. But would he prefer being restrained or restraining you? You are good being on top or bottom but what might get him excited?

Its hard when you want something and your partner needs time to find his interest. Or possibly not interested at all. Its really hard when you are in love to realize you may have different desires and needs. Open communication is the key and you may have to consider if you can live without those desired being fulfilled.

But if you talk to him and instead of talking about BDSM, introduce things into your sex life that are small bites instead of trying to establish new roles and frameworks, he may start to become interested in exploring more.

hope you find a way.

Lossofalme • Dec 26, 2019

Just chiming in to say WELCOME! And to agree that you've taken a huge step in opening the digital door and that taking some time to just enjoy that first step (and the relief that it's over, and you did it) really is okay.

You said that your partner doesn't seem to understand what you're asking, or mentioned any specific interests of their own... it's true that could mean you're not the most compatible couple, and you might want to explore how your relationship could balance as you both move forward. But it could also mean that your partner just hasn't ever thought about this, or ALLOWED themselves to follow interests they may have had but which they were told were "wrong" (directly or socially). I know my own husband has moments where he needs me to reassure him that I enjoy what he does, that I WANT what he does, that he isn't "bad" for wanting/enjoying/doing what we both want (and we've been married, kinky, and so on for DECADES now). So try not to worry that exploring your own wants and needs will necessarily mean you'll need to leave your current partner. It's true, you might come to that place...but you might not. Don't let a "maybe" scare you away from the "now".

As others have mentioned, showing your partner might be better than telling, especially if you're still figuring out what you enjoy yourself. Maybe watch a film or listen to a podcast together? Or take what you know of their interests and likes and turn those up to eleven? For example, maybe dress up for them or pop some sort of costume on them (something small and easy, like a hat or scarf or vest) and rock their world? Ask for a lotion massage candle as a way to open the door to more sensation play (you can find them online but also at, like, Target or Walmart so they kind of stand on the line between vanilla and kink)? Maybe connect with your local community through a munch or website and ask if there is anyone you might be able to meet with along with your partner... nothing sexual or play related but just to give your partner (as well as yourself) a chance to ask questions and get to know a community member in a very non-threatening one on one?

Whatever you decide to do next, thank you for reaching out and I hope everything works out for the best in the coming year!

Maia • Dec 28, 2019

How do I put pics on my profile