How do you switch your mind back to Vanilla in a new relationship.

How do you switch your mind back to Vanilla in a new relatio

Darrell​(dom male) • Feb 7, 2020

So here`s the thing. I have not had Vanilla relationship in a long time way too long, Only got back in the lifestyle a couple of years ago but prior to that it had been a while, not really been a in a good place mentally until recently. Before when i was in the lifetstyle their was no real gap between Vanilla and Non-Vanilla so it all came naturally because i was having regular sex. but all my sexual contact be it phsyical or verbal for the last few years has been me being dominant and them being submissive.

So yeah anyways currently dating someone, she told me tonight that her parents are away at the weekend and that i could stay over. Not expecting anything but the way she said it kinda makes me think she is. Only been talking for a little over a week not planning on rushing unless it happens naturally.

Took her for a meal tonight and i caught myself trying to be dominant with her, almost threatened to spank her at one point,And i rarely did the whole spanking thing lol. And then i catch myself almost saying things that i would say to a sub, and i don`t know she might be into it we haven`t spoken about sex too much so far, But i don`t wanna scare the beejeezus out of her either lol We talk all the time for hours at a time online and via messenger, and i can proof read before i press send but ya cant do that with ya mouth unfortunatly lol


So yeah my question is has anyone been in a situation like this before and what did you do? And do youhave any pointers. be much appreciated. I need a quick solution lol

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 7, 2020

I personally think that trying to suppress your natural instincts is a horrible idea. The “real” you will shine though eventually and it’s better in my opinion if you talk it out now so she’s not blindsided months down the road.

Even if you both agree to be vanilla going forward, if she understands your past dynamics she may be quicker to understand and forgive when the ‘bossy’ side of you accidentally comes out.

Aria Quinn​(sub female){collared} • Feb 7, 2020

I think the real question is can you be happy in a vanilla relationship long term if she’s not interested in kink? If the answer is no then I think the best advice would be figure out a way to bring up the conversation to gauge her interest level in kink and if she is not interested at all it’s better to know that and break if off sooner rather then later.

Darrell​(dom male) • Feb 7, 2020

I have been in Vanilla relationships before but they never last too long to be fair, Your both right AKittenforSir and Harlequin, i need to be myself and i need to speak to her about it, I know it`s not been long but i do like her just hope it doesn`t scare her off.

it`s what i have kinda been telling myself to be fair, Just needed someone else to say it. Thanks Now wish me luck lol

MarcEsadrian • Feb 7, 2020

@AKittenforSir and @Harlequin raised extremely valid points, and as an aside, I will simply ask why one would want to switch his mind back to a so-called "vanilla" relationship? Quotes are placed due to a very peculiar thing I've noticed in life: that few are truly vanilla, even though everyone thinks everyone else is. Most of what exists are unknown quantities and qualities. An untapped mind is nothing more than that: an untapped mind, ripe to be explored, expanded, and enriched. Scratch the surface of that fair and proper image, for you may find it's nothing more than a necessary veneer. Perhaps, with a little bit of tact, you might be surprised what you find under the surface of the uninitiated (if they really are truly that). You may find very fertile ground, indeed.

But yes, above all, don't hide who and what you are. Not for too long. For as Andre Gide once wrote, tis better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.