New and need advice

New and need advice

Rragnaar • Nov 5, 2017

I've only recently joined into a Dom sub relationship where I am the Dom. What I'm looking for advice on how to maintain it correctly.

When we get together I have hundreds of ideas that I want to do with her, but after we start a usually boils down to one or two because I get overwhelmed. I think I'm trying so hard to give her a great experience that the adrenaline rush knocks me off my game. What is the best way to conduct a beginning Dom sub relationship without it feeling like it's overwhelming and rushed?

DrT​(dom male){NotLooking} • Nov 5, 2017

This worked for me when I was new, but may not for others - as they say others mileage may vary.

Firstly I would have long conversations with the bottom, before doing anything, and these conversations would be based on the information an extensive check list would reveal. Some folks don't like to do this, one girl once told me she felt it was like filling in a job application (which is a fair point) but I felt it was a nicely structured way to guide a discussion of limits, hard and soft, interests, and aspirations for what we were to do, and not do. To my mind its way too easy to lose focus on the job at hand and get side tracked and in doing so miss some aspect of what might be good to do and more importantly not do. This check list is filled in by both parties thus giving plenty of scope for everyone to know what is ok and not, plus its laid out in such away to hopefully trigger additional discussion.

I think its very important that both parties know exactly what makes each other tick, and this process helps - I feel - to give a safe foundation to work upon and from. Think of it as a type of manual, instruction booklet to aid safe exploration of mutual kinks, and possible further interests. This information will also help you construct scenes.

What works for me is I take this information and the discussion and construct a scene to explore a few aspects revealed by it. I think it important not to try to do too much, particularly if you are new to BDSM or your play partner is new, either to the lifestyle or even to you as a top. Throwing everything in bar the kitchen sink is going to be overwhelming and I feel less is definitely more as you can focus on a clear set of goals and the bottom won't get swept up in sensory overload , where they frankly miss the point of the scene. Keep in mind its not a race, or willy waving contest, only you and your bottom matter and successfully creating a great time for both of you is the goal.

Early on I would write a story of the scene in order for me to plan it out - I don't need to do that now - a good scene should have a beginning, a middle and an end but have enough flexibility built in that if something changes or maybe doesn't work as well as you would like or the bottom likes you can shift in another direction. If writing a story isn't something you can do then write a simple plan with what you plan to start with, go to, and end and stick to that. Its important to not to get distracted and keep focused on the task at hand.

When you are new, trying something new or with a new bottom it takes time before everything just flows and works much like any new thing, but trying to do too much won't help early on and its really only when you are more confident you know what you are doing, what your partner wants/needs that everything will come together. You need to crawl, then walk before you run. Same goes for new skills, activities.

Hope the above helps.

Sir Strict • Nov 9, 2017

Just do what you want, you need to learn the subs reactions and limits, so you can relax and take your time. You will of course know the subs hard limits. I am talking about what I call "scale".

When I first started I used the green/yellow/red that most clubs use, but then realized I would just just play till yellow. I know use a number scale 1-10 for both pain and pleasure. It does make the first couple of times a little mechanical, but then it works very well in subsequent play. The scale might go something like this:

Pain- assume spanking her
1-no pain
5- she starts moving to miss the strokes
7- very hard and lots of moving
8- eyes might tear
9- crying
10- she never sees you again

Pleasure is much, much harder but same scale 1-10. Most ladies on the pleasure scale go something like this, 1>4>10.

I use this so when she is gagged she can be more relaxed, you should be able to know when is is above a "5" in pain, so she will just use one hand to inform Me of her "scale", One finger = 6.

As far as having all the ideas of what you want to try before play, thats ok, I do as well, but I have never planned a scene, it just happens and it will with you once you get more comfortable. One way is to only bring certain toys, if you bring all the same toys you will start where you know she is comfortable. Maybe you use a flogger every time because you know she loves. Maybe the next time "forget" the flogger and bring a small leather paddle or spoon, this might force her to get over your knee. Or dont bring a gag or handcuffs and bring rope. You get the idea. You just use every toy you bring, but only bring 1/3 of what you own and then the play just happens.

You may message Me directly if you want.

DrWakko • Nov 10, 2017

If you go to erotic awaking (mentioned under podcasts) they have cards called kink starter cards. Use the cards to set up the scene. Start off with 3 cards from each pile. Then adjust from there.

Kal Foster​(dom male){felicia} • Nov 11, 2017

I have been there as well, Rragnaar. We have a hot weekend coming up, the kids are out, the house is ours, and I want to do EVERYTHING, and it becomes difficult to narrow it down. But narrow it down we must - as a Dom, I take it as my responsibility to ensure a well-planned scene, requiring focus, understanding the mood, etc.

The nice thing with “lots of ideas” is there will be time for them all, eventually. They don’t all have to happen Saturday afternoon. Takes a lot of pressure off.

Agreed with DocTesla about pre-discussion with your submissive, outside of the scene, particularly if this is something new. While we all have this grand idea, the adrenaline, of surprising them with something, it can throw both your heads out of the game if she is not prepared or reacting as you expected. If you’re enjoying planning the scene, imagine how she will enjoy thinking about what is to come!

It can also throw things if the scene is not properly prepared ahead of time. A good Dom doesn’t do things “off the cuff” (no pun intended), he carefully plans and prepares. I liken it to the master plan of the super villain. It takes time to get up on the ladder, attach the chain to the eye hook, hang the sex swing, test it for safety, select the appropriate outfit for the submissive, put the batteries back in the vibrator, select the floggers, and so on. If you allow yourself adequate time ahead to prep your submissive for the scene, and set it up, the rewards are stunning - she arrives ready, in the right mindset, with clear expectations of what is to come and how she is to behave, and you have demonstrated your commitment to the scene by setting it up. Hot hot hot! And, now the “overwhelming” feeling dwindles - you have your scene ready and you are committed to this one direction. Today it’s the sex swing and some spanking, maybe tomorrow it’s wax play and blindfold, and you can begin planning for next time.

Hope this helps, fellow Dom. It is all a learning experience, and it is a lot of fun learning!