Advice/Tips/Things we should know

Advice/Tips/Things we should know

HisAngel • Mar 6, 2020

Hey everyone,

So I joined this site after finally admitting to my fiance that I was a submissive after a year and a half of being together. I have done some online play (8 years or so ago) when I first started discovering this world and realized how much I needed it.

He has been amazingly supportive and even after our more in detailed talk last night seems to really want to give this a shot. I should add that even though I have been interested in BDSM for a while we are actually each other's first with having even vanilla sex. I just never found anyone before him that I trusted enough to go even that far with. So In the aspect of real life implementation of the D/s relationship I'm just as new as he is.


Any advice/tips/ resources that you have to offer would be appreciated. We won't be really delving into much just yet because of our temporary living situation and privacy being pretty rare. So we will be using the time to study up so to speak.

I'm under no illusion that there's not a big chance it may not work. That despite trying it he may not actually get satisfaction in being Dominant. He may never be what I need in that area and I'm willing to live with that if it comes to that. I love him regardless and as hard as it would be for me to once again push it to the back i would for him. He's been amazing to me more amazing then I think I deserve most days.

Aria Quinn​(sub female){collared} • Mar 7, 2020

A tip from my personal experience (which I will admit is limited)
D/s is mostly a mindset or headspace, you don’t have to engage in any particular activities to give up or receive power. You can start even with limited privacy by deferring to him to make certain decisions when you are together, having him decide which color or style of underwear you wear, or having a certain protocol of when and how you will contact each other (I.e. a good morning text every morning by 8am)

I like podcast and YouTube channels best personally because that is how I enjoy taking in information. My favorite podcast is lovingbdsm that also have a YouTube channel where you can see the podcast and also get additional content. I also love the YouTube channel Evee Lupine, Evee Lupine also has a resource list of books and websites that you might find helpful, I believe that you can find a link to her resource page in the description box on her live stream playback videos. Loving bdsm also has a website and you can join there 30 days of D/s email list where it’s 30 days of writing prompts to help you discover more about D/s and where you fit in, and you might also like the website submissiveguide.

Good luck on your journey together.

HisAngel • Mar 7, 2020

Aria Quinn thank you for your reply I will be checking out those resources so I appreciate it. I'll talk to him about the things you mentioned as ways to have some type of protocol that isn't going to be obvious to my family who is who were currently staying with. I wouldn't want to scar my poor mom lol I'll let her keep thinking her daughter is innocent.

In all seriousness though thank you for your help.

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2020

I would say first and foremost (and this is kind of what you are doing with this post), that you should utilize this community. There are a number of Doms and subs here who have a lot of experience and do not hesitate to share. For my part, I am more than willing to answer questions, and other members message me fairly often just to ask for advice or guidance. I know there are others here who would be just as open to offering their input.
It is important to keep in mind that there is not one set style of Dominance. You should get a clear idea of what your needs and wants are as well as what he is comfortable providing and work to develop something that gives both of you fulfillment. Personality is a big deal with Dominance, but it is an all too common misconception that someone who is polite, and even doting, cannot also be a sadist with the best of them, or adopt a deeply controlling mindset.
It takes a lot of communication to build a long lasting and functional dynamic, so be prepared to have an almost uncomfortable communication saturation at first. It tells that you have known one another and the trust element is there to start, but kink practice will expose you to situations you probably have no frame of reference for, so do not be surprised or deterred if you find there are elements in the micromanagement of that trust that you have to work on, especially if you decide to go deeper into more intense play.
An important note for the Dom; from my experience, the most beneficial element of a Dominant personality is patience. While this may even seem counterintuitive to the typical depiction of the Dominant personality, patience is one of key elements that separates a true Dominant from a domineering child.
Once again, I encourage you to ask around. Read profiles, find people whose values and practice match up with your preferences, and ask lots of questions.

HisAngel • Mar 7, 2020

Thank you for your reply. We hold a lot of trust for each other but I know stepping into this is going to test and grow our trust. He's amazingly patient (with me at least) more patient than I can admit being at most times. I think one of the biggest obstacles is going to be for him to trust himself enough to take the lead on things and push me. His natural reaction is not wanting to do anything I don't want to do. Which is sweet and it's all about consent so I did sit down with him Friday night and went over a more detailed list of what I wanted and needed as well as hard limits which he was right there with me on. As well as the Green,yellow, red light. I explained to him that unless I'm saying red that he's not pushing too hard. If I yellow i may be getting uneasy about something but don't want everything to stop.

I think I'll be sitting down and explaining more to him about some things. As in this not being all sexual for me because I think that's what he may be picturing. Im just not always the best in putting things into words which is why I had to write down everything we talked about before we talked Friday.

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2020

Seeing kink play as purely sexual is very common at first, but it is easily rectified with open minded communication. It sounds like you are doing a good job of that.
Do not be deterred by your need to write things down. There is a lot to share here and all of it is important. You cannot be too prepared.

HisAngel • Mar 7, 2020

Thank you 😊 I am going to be talking to him to see if he'd be willing to create an account here and seek out advice for himself. He's been researching but I think it's mostly been Google or reading articles which is how I started out too. I'm hoping he will be willing to speak to other Dominants with experience to gain some insight as well. If he does would it be okay for him to message you?

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2020

Of course. I can be busy at times, but I am always willing to talk.

HisAngel • Mar 7, 2020

Thank you so much. I will let him know it's an option and see how he feels about it.