Tantrums

Tantrums

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Mar 22, 2020

I've noticed something about my myself. 1) I go through episodes where I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I verbally and emotionally attack my husband, the people closest to me, myself. It happens slowly, building up over time, and then explodes. 2) When this happens (the explosion) my husband takes me in hand. He will grab my hair, bite my neck and back, spank me, choke me. Nothing mean or dangerous. It's consensual and it really helps me get out of my head and clears my mind. 3) Afterwards we both feel deeply attached to each other, intimate, and it resonates for days, but then the feelings eventually fade and the cycle begins again.

I think there are many people who can relate to this experience.

My problem is that I don't know how to maintain the feeling of intimacy without having an explosion (my husband calls them tantrums) and I don't know how to keep my cool when I start to unravel. I know the concept of maintenance, but can't find much information about application and I worry that doing it too often will dull the effects.

Does anyone else experience this phenomenon and with maintenance, and if so, how do you manage it?

Duke Montefort​(dom male) • Mar 22, 2020

I've known many people dom/sub and norms with this problem.

Step 1. Try anger management techniques, mediation, and slowly talking about things that upset you as calmly as possible. It is ok to argue, but not tantrum.


SHOULD STEP 1 FAIL

Step 2. Should this fail you need to seek a psychological assistance, because it may be an issue requiring preferably counseling or at worst medicine.

Re: Tantrums

MeisterGerald​(dom male) • Mar 22, 2020

I've formatted your post and added a line. What's below it is good behaviour, but you risk tying it into a pattern with the 'explosions' that is self enforcing and destructive (the first hits above the line).

I would suggest basic CBT and mindfulness techniques to help you identify triggers and control the spiral. Once you gain awareness and control of your emotions at that point, you can be active in getting your husband to step in and go right to the bonding techniques that soothe you.

This isn't maintenance. Think of it as pulling the plug on the sink *before* it overflows. You need to keep that coping mechanism for stress. Stress will always build up and need to be drained. It's just a matter of both of you figuring out how to notice it and react before it gets to the harmful behavior.

JustAGirlLiveLaugh​(sub female){Me} • Mar 22, 2020

I totally relate to these feelings.

weakforwhitewomen​(sub male) • Mar 23, 2020

I'm a summissive black guy that loves to be dominated by white women especially.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Mar 23, 2020

I've seen this sort of thing quite often before.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it.

When you notice that you are *starting* to unravel -- tell your husband. It's an opportunity to recenter and regain that intimacy. You don't have to wait for a full melt-down to get the attention, (spanking, whatever), that you *NEED*.

A *very* large part of the intimacy that you have *after* the spanking, biting, hair-pulling, etc, is due to the "cool down" effect which occurs afterwards.

There is nothing wrong, whatsoever, when a girl tells her Dom: "I need you! I need _______" BE SPECIFIC about your needs. Don't just say: "I need some help", tell him *exactly* what you need. Is it a slap across the face? Is it a spanking? Most Doms will happily take care of such needs. You see, we know that it will help you center yourself and regain that intimacy that we *BOTH* will enjoy, plus we fundamentally understand: there's nothing like holding the reins of power. We *also* actually do enjoy taking care of our girl(s). "Hmm... you need a spanking again?" Is on par with, "Hmm... I need to wash the car again." We enjoy caring for our possessions, even if it is work. On a side note, when a girl complains that she's not getting enough attention, "He pays more attention to his motorcycle than me ~pout~". OF COURSE HE IS: that motorcycle, or whatever is *HIS*, he OWNS it. You want more attention: BE OWNED. Watch what happens.

I'm not a sadist, I don't particularly like giving pain to another. BUT, I do understand pain, and the effects thereof on the human psyche, namely the way it drives out all other concerns. This leads to self-centering, at least in a loving dynamic, rather than an abusive one, but that should be obvious.

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Mar 24, 2020

I appreciate everyone's advice. Thank you for taking the time to help me.

Skyrich, what if I don't know what I need? Sometimes these episodes are brought on by situations of great sadness or hormones. Instead of managing anger, I might be battling insecurities in my actions or self image or even struggling against an invisible estrogen assailant. When I'm angry or frustrated the answer is easy, but when I'm low, I never know what it is I need. I just feel detached and adrift. I know that I need to feel grounded and secure, but I don't know what he and I can do to make that happen. Any suggestions?

Thanks again.
- Jo

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Mar 24, 2020

Jolene,

First off: GREAT question. Good girl! ~wink~

You must realize that this is something that most men, and sadly quite a few women don't understand. Women and men handle stress very differently. When a man is stressed out and needs mental relief, he goes to his cave. North American Indian women tell their daughters about this cave. They tell their daughters that their husband must go to his cave, and that there's a dragon in the cave, and she cannot follow him, or the dragon will come out. Any of you women reading this who wonder why a man gets angry with them when they try to talk about his feelings when he's stressed out... guess what? You've met the dragon.

On the other hand, women have to talk about their stress and feelings, or else their brains will explode. Men often get confused about this, because when a man talks about his problems with another man it's only to either 1) get some information, or 2) to get some help fixing the problem. We guys often just don't understand talking about things with neither of those things as a goal. Just as you girls don't understand the cave.

Men will often wonder: "Why doesn't she just tell me what's going on in her head, so I can fix it?"

Here's the thing: The girl often DOESN'T KNOW how she feels about it until after she's talked about it! It's the talking that brings on the clarity.

So, what do you do when you don't know what you need? Talk it over with him. You have to tell him that THAT is what you need. You feel detached and adrift, because you are detached and adrift -- it's really not rocket science. Communication in this lifestyle is far more important, useful, and ultimately necessary than in any other kind of relationship. I'm talking about the kind of communication that has no guile, nothing hidden or filtered, raw, unbridled honesty. It's simple. It's not always easy, but it is simple.

So, start a conversation, but first tell him that you need him to listen as you work it out in your brain, before he tries to fix it.

Hope that helps
--SR

PS If it helps, show him this thread.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Mar 24, 2020

When I feel detached and adrift, I ask to sit/kneel at my Master's feet and just be with Him.

Over time, He has showed me that I was addicted to the super highs that I would feel after bouncing off the bottom and he has worked with me to live a more balanced and even life. It has been difficult for me to accept that I can have a good day most of the time, and I'm working on that being ALL of the time.