Safewords...

Safewords...

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 11, 2020

#include <std/disclaimer.h>
I write from the perspective and world-view of an alpha male hetero dominant, in a TPE 24/7 RL live-in relationship. If that's not your reality, that's OK. Your mileage may vary. I don't mean to disparage any other lifestyle and I'm not saying this is the "Right Way(tm)" for everyone. It is, however the "Right Way(tm)" for me. So, please take it in that vein.

Conventional wisdom, (RACK, etc), states that all BDSM activities should first be negotiated, understood, agreed to, and safewords, ("pineapples", "red", etc), should be in place. With all due deference to said conventions, I don't use safewords. Wait, take a breathe, keep reading.

I don't use safewords, because I don't do scenes. If I have a girl over my knees and I'm swatting her ass, it's usually because her attitude and/or values have been so reprehensible that an adjustment is required. I'll have her count the swats as she receives them. If she hesitates to count, I stop to have a conversation with her to determine whether she's reached a limit or a limitation. A safeword would only add an unwanted element of pretend or play to this dynamic. Quite frankly, the girl can say: "Stop" anytime, she doesn't in anyway have to conform to nor accept the correction, or punishment. She has that power. She always has that power.

Ultimately, the only real punishment I can inflict is to end the relationship, to remove myself from her life. Well, let's face it, if things are going that badly, perhaps the girl might perceive this as a reward.

Now, don't get me wrong. Safewords have their place. A friend of mine sent the following to her female friends:
"If you find yourself in an abusive situation during this lock-down, send me a message, asking me if I'm still selling my makeup. I'll know to keep checking up on you. if you specifically ask about my eyeliner, I'll call the authorities for you."

Likewise when meeting a dom for the first time in real life, a girl should have similar arrangements with her friends.

Finally, yes, if you're into "scenes", where "stop", "don't", "no more", and the like are to interpreted as part of the act/game/scene, then by all means have a safeword.

SilentMaster​(dom male) • Apr 11, 2020

I agree. At the end what matters is to keep things safe, sane and consensual. Safewords are just a tool, a useful tool that should be used when needed, but it doesn't mean that not using them is necessarily bad.

If a relationship is properly build, ensuring to not give the sub more than what she can take and there is proper communication, then perhaps a specific safeword is not needed and normal language, and body language, are enough.

Of course there are situations where you need a safeword, like when doing some sort of non-cosensual play or maybe when more people is involved so you make sure everyone is on sync.

At the same time I think having a safeword does no harm, its like having an extra layer of security. Even if its never used, because it is never needed, it remains there just in case.

Redbotmgirl​(sub female){NotLooking} • Apr 12, 2020

Thank you for your post. My very first online Dom told me I did not need a safe word....he was wrong because emotional pain needs to be addressed just as prominently as physical pain....I have always insisted on having a safe word since that incident. To each his/her own.

RavenN • Apr 12, 2020

@Redbotmgirl wrote: "emotional pain needs to be addressed just as prominently as physical pain"

Very good point. Sometimes when feeling overwhelmed with unexpected emotional pain, it's comforting to know you can simply reply with your safe word as a way to stop and re-group, especially when at a loss for words (for both the new and experienced submissive).

Good girl for having the courage and wisdom to speak your mind

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 13, 2020

@redbotmgirl

I find that open, honest communication makes the use of safewords unnecessary, and overly, well, fake or staged.

Again, my dynamic is not as an online dom. And I don't do "scenes". If a girl is in emotional pain, I expect her to just tell me.

But, as I say: Your mileage may vary. Thank you for your insight and comments.

@Sub lime
"... it's comforting to know you can simply reply with your safe word as a way to stop and re-group, especially when at a loss for words...."

Now that *is* profound, and I can't say that I disagree. I'm just saying that if safewords are never part of the dynamic, then there are other ways of stopping and regrouping. And, yes, stopping and regrouping, determining the new dynamic, the new boundaries is essential in any relationship. Moreso in a D/s one, I believe.

Thank you for contributing

Redbotmgirl​(sub female){NotLooking} • Apr 13, 2020

@skyrich wrote: "I find that open, honest communication makes the use of safewords unnecessary, and overly, well, fake or staged."

Every dynamic is different with different stages of trust, respect, along with growing in self, open communication, learning...we never stop growing and learning. What's good or works for some, may not for others.

If your submissive wants a safe word until he/she feels comfortable, it's your responsibility as their Dom to grant them the privilege for her/his own well being. Safe words are there for a reason and should be respected and valued.

Everyone should have a right to decide if they feel the need to have a safe word in a dynamic...it's as simple as that. Period. No judgement.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 13, 2020

Indeed. And, if you notice my standard disclaimer at the top of this post. I do not disparage, nor judge what others do. I don't claim that my way is the best way, nor even the way everyone should do it. I only claim that my way is best for me.

Just to be clear, since I don't do scenes the "safeword" for any girl under my care is simply: "stop", "no", or "wait".
For me, keeping it real works better than hiding behind a ritual word like "pineapples". Again, your mileage may vary, and that's OK.

Redbotmgirl​(sub female){NotLooking} • Apr 13, 2020

@skyrich wrote: "Just to be clear, since I don't do scenes the "safeword" for any girl under my care is simply: "stop", "no", or "wait".

The fact that you're choosing what your submissive's safe word should or should not be is a red flag. This is for the submissive to decide and not to be influenced by the Dominant. You may express your opinion, but ultimately the decision rests with the submissive. Same goes for limits. The submissive's limits are not for the Dominant to decide or to influence or be pressured to match the Dom's preferences.

MeisterGerald​(dom male) • Apr 13, 2020

This seems to be just semantics. Any sexual or BDSM activity is a "scene". 24/7 doesn't make this any less so. A spanking is a spanking. If it's something that requires consent, it's a "scene".

You don't negotiate because you have already done that and are in a trusting long term relationship. Negotiations still took place at some point.

You choose plain English safewords for you and yours because your "scenes" do not contain situations where "stop", "no", "wait", "don't", etc are a common part of play and a distinct safeword is needed. You don't use hoods, gags or engage in other activities that would necessitate a non verbal safeword.

None of this changes the need for safewords.

heartbrokengirl​(sub female) • Apr 13, 2020

My Daddy and I do not use safe words, or at least we haven't. He knows me very well and knows when things are are too much or need to be slowed down. We TALK about everything, no secrets and nothing is off limits for conversation. If there was ever a situation where I would need to stop things or slow things down simply telling him would be enough and we would discuss things.
I do get what skyrich is saying about things for him being more than just a "scene" or "playtime" If you have been with your dominant or partner a while and they know you well it becomes more unspoken and just reading the situation; safe words seem un-necessary (at least in my dynamic with my Daddy)