Healthy level of independence?

Healthy level of independence?

ChristineXX​(sub female) • Apr 30, 2020

Hi

So one thing I’m wondering about is if you lose too much independence when submitting (which, I know, is the point) and how much that is affecting your identity as a person.

And there might be several levels to it: the more obvious one might be that the Dom is deciding things on a practical level. I think this is still something that you can always recognise, even if you’re pretty deep into a dynamic, and change that if it’s necessary and doesn’t work anymore for you.

But what I find even more disturbing to think about is that if you submit to someone, you’re so in tune with what the other person wants from you that their values and morals and life priorities take up waaay more space and importance in your head than your own. Even in the best scenarios with everyone wanting the best for everyone else, I fear that this might bring a loss of identity for the sub because she is not searching within her about what she finds important, what qualities she wants to embody (other than submitting: eg. does she rather want to be competitive or caring in group settings?) and who she wants to be to properly love herself and think herself a good person.
I think the danger is that it might be the easier and more obvious thing to do to just take the answers to those questions from the Dom and to see them as absolute and right and your own, rather than searching for those answers within yourself.
This might happen without either party realising it is (maybe partly because the sub is happy to place the Dom and his values/ priorities etc above hers and to take his as her own), but if then the relationship is not working out for whatever reason, it might leave the sub rather dependant and unable to decide on her own or unable to know how to act or give herself as a person.

I hope I expressed myself clearly enough and am looking forward to all of your thoughts on this

xx Catherine

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 30, 2020

"So one thing I’m wondering about is if you lose too much independence when submitting (which, I know, is the point) and how much that is affecting your identity as a person. "

Thank you for your thoughtful question Catherine.

i know there are infinite variations on the D/s theme, i don't pretend to make my ideas the standard or 'right' or 'wrong.' With that qualification, i do not believe that losing independence is "the point" of submitting? Maybe a point sometimes? i see a difference between our actions and who we are, though i think that can get fuzzy sometimes.

Probably way to simply put, if a sub loses their identity because of submission, who is doing the submitting? It's not a perfect comparison, but maybe compare the D/s dynamic to wrestling? If the sub comes out to the mat and just automatically lies down on their back (i.e., the "pinned" position), it's no longer a wrestling match. i see D/s similarly, if the sub loses who they are , i.e., gets to a place where they no longer wrestle, i think there is something of the D/s dynamic lost?

One of the attributes that draws me to a Dom nature is Their desire/need to control. One of the bigger thrills for me, and from what i have seen and been told it's a thrill for the Dom too, is the 'wrestling' process itself. i see subs as having all sorts of mental/emotional/psychological "collaring" places, not just the physical. To me sure, a collar around the neck is physical, but the implications can go far beyond the physical. To me, in the D/s dynamic, the Dom who wants to know Their sub, not just blindly force them (i question if that is real control?). A Dom want's that understanding of who and how Their sub is (their identity) so They can 'collar' and control their 'identity,' not remove or obliterate it. And on the other side, the sub craves a Dom who can do that.

To me, that is some of the essence of D/s, and i believe the more mature D/s relationships are very aware of their individual identities, that that is a big part of what makes the relationship so exquisite....