Talk to me about....

Talk to me about....

annabellestasia​(sub female) • May 10, 2020

Those initial online interactions!

You’re both looking for someone new, whatever that may be. You exchange messages, start to build a connection - what are the things you need to know before things progress, either to meeting IRL or to any form of relationship?

How do you determine that someone is right for you? Is it something that just happens naturally and “gut feeling” or do you have some predetermined expectations/questions that you’ll ask them to fulfil/answer?

Help a newbie out as I try and figure all this out! 😂

Morrighan​(sub female) • May 10, 2020

I’m extremely fussy and have joked many times with friends that I don’t know exactly what it is that I look for in a partner, just that they need to have it. This doesn’t make finding someone very easy. It has always come about when I’ve least expected it.

Call it a gut feeling or a specific feeling evoked by certain people. I honestly don’t know the answer lol. However, I generally have a list of wants I look for and have tried the whole getting to know someone to see if they could fulfil that list. But when push comes to shove, it tends to all fly out of the window when I find the right person.

So with that being said, I think chemistry is the most important factor. Don’t settle for someone who looks good on paper but doesn’t send sparks flying. Ask yourself if you could be happy with them for the rest of your life. They may not necessarily fulfil every need or want you have but if you’re honest with one another then who’s to say you can’t compromise or have those needs met some other way. Also, if you are anything like me, those wants tend to change over the course of time anyways. Take your time and have fun getting to know people. When you meet someone you’ll just know. Follow your gut.

annabellestasia​(sub female) • May 10, 2020

This made me LOL - I can completely relate!

I have the same “list” and its soooo easy to think, okay maybe I should compromise on this or that, particularly when you’ve been patiently waiting for what feels like foreverrrrr! But one thing you’re absolutely right you can never compromise on is that “spark”... Although I’ve been often told that that “spark” is when common sense also leaves your body, so you should stand by your expectations even more so at this point! 😂

Morrighan​(sub female) • May 10, 2020

That is also very true! I can’t say that it always work out otherwise I’d still be with my first boyfriend 🤣.

Is it to hopeful to ask for both? Call me spoilt!

Bunnie • May 10, 2020

Hi annabellestasia,

welcome

We each come into this place (I know I did and I have seen it in the “eyes” of most), thinking that we’ll meet our person first up. We don’t want a string of failed relationships under our belt... perhaps we’ve already had that in vanilla-land and “that’s not going to happen this time.”

More than likely it will.

That’s not a failure. It’s simply odds. When we become more specific about what we’re looking for, and less willing to settle for less... our “odds” at finding that become less. Or one could say, our “dating pool” becomes smaller.
There is always choice though. You can wait. Or you can loosen your willingness to settle.

Now to be clear... I’m not speaking about having *expectations*. In all honesty, as someone new... throw your expectations out the window... because it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’re based on fantasy.

Look at each person you meet as an individual. Treat your interactions as you would had you met face to face. What pace would you go at? Coffee and light chat? Or would you simply throw your gear off and ask who’s place? Neither are right or wrong. We like to pretend they are... but it’s all simply choice.

Keep in mind... there are always consequences.

If you want to throw your gear off... they may go “thank you very much... pleasure doing business... take care.” However, coffee can also lead to heartbreak, so don’t think that’s foolproof.

My experience has shown that patience... the one thing newbies *do not have* no matter how much we like to tell ourselves and everyone we do lol... is the thing needed to help find someone who may be looking for the same thing as you.

The most important thing to remember is that this is your journey. Do it however feels right to you. If something feels unsafe... ask questions. Always ask questions. If you need clarification... ask others. There are many here who will help if we can.

And... remember to just breathe, relax and enjoy where you’re at every now and then!
Good luck

No Body​(dom male) • May 10, 2020

To be honest for me it is both. I get to know her and her me. We spend many hours talking and getting to know each other wants and needs. More over what each of you want in the future. Can you see yourself next to him in 30 years??? I spent as much time as I coul getting to know her and when she told me no I understood her reasons. I respected her for her reasons and this is why no one knows who she was nor will they ever. Subs have the power to take the collar or leave the collar. Making her stay would have made me a smaller man and her less of a woman and sub. My gut tells me she was right my heart says the same thing but yearns to hear her voice again. Just remember if it does not hurt to walk away then it was never real.

annabellestasia​(sub female) • May 10, 2020

@bunnie I love this so much!

Patience is hard but you’re right - it’s worth exercising to find the right person! I’ve been around here for six months ish and I’ve learned so much. I feel confident enough to be able to connect and engage with others here which I never did before!

@SR13 I’m sorry this didn’t work out but it’s nice to know there are respectful gents still out there! I really love your comment about if it doesn’t hurt to walk away, then it was never real! Very true!

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 10, 2020

This, OMG, this.

Come to the table with your core values -- not a list of expectations and questions. That will only lead to disaster, trust me on this. But, whatever you do do NOT compromise your core values. Not ever, not for any reason.

Patience in this game is a virtue that shouldn't ever be underestimated. Impatience will almost always be rewarded with pain and sorrow. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

I cannot describe to you what you need to know when it's "right", but I'll borrow the words of US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart:



Likewise, so will you. Good luck!

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • May 10, 2020

Ok im late to the party again it seems. But its ok, because my dear friend bunnie did such a good job in her reply. And stated the very same things i would have shared but she did it ohh so much better that my " hamster" would have.

I would add also in my case . as i was becomeing and was friends with Wolf , as a few here can remember im sure . i slowly grew through our friend ship to acting in a sort of being his already before i was his . all which without any thought about it . i was just doing things naturally . such as good morning everyday and things like " "ok off to work" or " on lunch now " not knowing if i would hear back or not until later . and there are a few that most likely tell stories of things i did to pass time while waiting . ( for example i had many different ppl here guve me yo yos)
Just my story and two cents.

annabellestasia​(sub female) • May 10, 2020

Alawey this is the dream!! I’d love for this to happen...

@skyrich, I like this. Defining some core values rather than a list of expectations. Love this quote too!

Seems to be a lot of “when you know, you just know”...