Conversation

Conversation

Dap Dap​(sub female) • May 12, 2020

Conversation
Perhaps we are not a match. Shouldn't conversation be easy in the beginning? I'm extremely shy so perhaps it is me and I'm not allowing conversation to flow? Besides good morning, how is your day and me asking for permission to do various things....that is pretty much the extent of conversation.

When you are under consideration and/ or considering a potential...what are some good topics of conversation?

Mama Bear JJ​(dom female){koa} • May 12, 2020

The best place to start is asking questions ...

There are so many different reasons why people get into BDSM and so many different kinks, wants and needs. Everyone is different. Even those who are into the same thing might be into it for different reasons. Knowing these things about someone is a important part of establishing both whether or not you are a good match for each other and whatever agreement/relationship that comes out of that.

Some good questions to ask when starting out ...

- How long have you been in the BDSM lifestyle?
- What made you get into it?
- How many partners have you had within it and how long did those relationship last? Maybe even, why did they end, if they don't mind discussing it. (If you are looking for something serious and long term, their history can be important)
- What are qualities and/or desires are you looking for in a Dom/sub? You don't want to get really into things and then find out they want something you can't do or be.
- What are the most important things that you need to get out of an agreement/relationship ... your kinks, wants, needs sexual or otherwise? Getting to know the why beyond these things is a good way to expand on the conversation, learn more about them, and determine their compatibility with you.

You should be providing the same answers as well, at a minimum to the last two.

Beyond this, if there is something specific that you need to get out of an agreement/relationship sexually, mentally, or emotionally ... you need to discuss it. To be shy to bring it up. Again, you don't want to get really into things and then find out they can't handle that or give you what you need.

The more you know the less likely either of you is going to get let down, not have your needs/wants met, or end up in a bad situation that could have been prevented.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • May 12, 2020

Worrying about how the conversation is going is the #1 conversation killer. Also, text conversations are hot garbage for figuring out if you mesh with a person - get into a voice call via phone or Discord/Skype/whatnot.

You're not always gonna have something to talk about, and there's no need to fill pauses or silences if you enjoy the person you're around. Do some work while you chat. Me and my friend group used to have "food calls" all the time - just some teens sitting around in face-cam calls eatin some grub. No one talked, and it was great. Shared time together hardly means riveting conversation.

House Talion​(dom male) • May 12, 2020

Whatever is on your mind at any given time that you dont have his attention, make a list of what you want ask. Then list them in order of importance and draw a line under the last. This gives you a good idea of what to ask, in what order, and to ensure the first list is complete before moving onto the next. Double space everything to give space for notes. A consistent amount of questions along the same line would indicate your line of thought and if he doesnt pick up on any of it or simply doesnt seem to care then maybe he shouldnt be 'under consideration' by you. Yes, it goes both ways

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 12, 2020

Well, presumably you've already had at least one conversation to determine compatibility. How'd that go?

Start with common/shared interests and explore them.

Generally, I'm against long lists of questions -- it becomes somewhat artificial, but if you are shy as you say, then a natural, organic conversation may be difficult for you. So, consider the list of questions to be a crutch. Discard it as soon as you can and move on to meaningful, intimate, conversations. By "intimate", I don't mean sexy, or kinky. An intimate conversation happens when you and your partner are so in tune that you almost complete each others thoughts.

None of the girls under my care had lists of questions. We simply had conversations. Lots of them. This isn't to say that there weren't questions. There were many. But it wasn't based on a list or a preconceived list.

But, I do agree w/ House Talion. If you aren't getting responses, then perhaps he shouldn't be under YOUR consideration.