Kinks

Kinks

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 12, 2020

Disclaimer: i understand and try to present this as my perspective, view. The point of this is to be open about how i see or feel, not present my thoughts or feelings as universal (though i do seek to find common ground). i make a conscious effort to edit out absolutism and am sorry when i fail and come off like an asshole (not the good kind).

i haven't been here long, but i have been around (alive lol) for awhile. As some may have noticed by my posts, i am big on communication. i'm particularly fond of the written word. Even with it's lack of visual and tonal cues that face to face has, the written word can have a quality of slowing down our exchanges, even pausing them. That can be a good thing, especially in intimate relationship, to be able to consider and re-write before hitting the send button. We cannot take back what is spoken face to face.

Written communication is a thing in 2020. Look at how we are all looking for and meeting people virtually. Texting snippets are not the key to intimate connection.

i think many people are daunted by written communication, believing they can't do it. But i believe it is easier to do than most realize, that the real challenge is getting in touch with our feelings and thoughts. Once we do, it's not all that difficult to transfer our thoughts to a keyboard or piece of paper. i think we lack practice more than skill. Sure, there's grammar and spelling, but computers help fix much of that. i have no problem wending through a note that may have grammar or spelling errors when i see true and honest feelings or thoughts being conveyed. i get excited.

Okay, finally: "Kinks." i see "kinks" as individual expression of need or want (or both, sometimes it's hard to know where either begins or ends). Just the word "kink" may evoke feelings of fear, embarrassment, revulsion... i.e., a negative response that i believe has been culturally conditioned into us. i think one of the effects of conditioning is it causes us to put up barriers in our selves to our selves.

For instance, looking back i can retrospectively identify clear signs of me being gay that were evident as young 6 years old. i was different and my culture responded by teaching me to fear, be embarrassed and even revolted at who and how i am, and how i expressed that. So, i learned to hide, not only from others, but from myself. i think our kinks end up in a similar boat. We are taught and conditioned a narrow standard of sexuality early on and either conform or reap the consequences.

Fast forward to 'thecage" and similar venues where we are all in process of learning to live with who and how we are. One of the challenges i see is people who are here likely wanting to connect but make it hard or impossible to connect with. One of those specific areas is being aware of and then able to share what their "kinks" are. i know that is a very vulnerable thing to do, but we cannot have the relational connection we need and crave without exposing who we are to another. And, i believe most of us are here because of that need/desire for connection in relationship (whatever form that may take).

One of the great things i have learned in the short time i have been here is the perspective of several experienced people towards the BDSM tests. Some are annoyed by them, others find it an outright turn off. Beyond their subjective, nonscientific inaccuracy, one of the things i see they promote is an (attempted?) surface, cursory exposure of oneself. 99% Dominant or 99% submissive. Wtf does that mean lol? And it sets us up to all sorts of shallow, cursory response. Can either D or s count the number of times you've been approached with emails like: "I am your Master" or "i am your slave." from someone you have no prior conversation with? Someone who is responding to a cursory label of Dom or sub.

i believe our kinks are our individual defining parts of being "Dom" or "sub," it is how our Dom or sub or ______________ nature finds expression, i also believe they are a way where we find our connections with others. i'm not an advocate for wearing ones proverbial heart on their sleeve, but conversely, if we don't identify those things in our selves and find ways to venture out, we will not connect and will remain alone (at least in those areas).

So yeah, health is homeostasis, balance, but i think we are culturally conditioned against that health and balance and would like to advocate for and promote more and deeper openness. Everyone has to decide for their self what risk of openness they will take, but consider what we risk by remaining hidden?