How to not get scared while being new to the community

How to not get scared while being new to the community

dunyasha​(switch female) • May 12, 2020

Hi!!
So I’m sure there’s a forum already posted that might have some answers to this but I don’t feel like looking through all the pages so! Here we are

I had this acc for a little bit then deactivated it (got scared) and now reactivated it. I get overwhelmed/flustered when I get messages or just at the thought of someone reading my profile. How do you work through that?

I’ve been chatting with a dom online for a while and it’s a lot of fun and he’s super sweet but I keep getting that urge to disappear? Especially after we shared photos of ourselves ? (Which normally I never do but I have a weak spot for him soooo) But like he’s super cool and has helped me work through some of my issues around the vulnerability that being a sub entails.

I think that’s probably the biggest part of it that’s hard for me cause im very guarded, probably part of why im a brat. But having to open up and say what I like/want in order for a Dom to know how to handle me just...makes me recoil and think that maybe I’m better off just Not Doing This. But!!!! I enjoy it, so fellow subs help ya girl out, doms, if you have any words of advice that you think may help I’m all ears cause I am Frustrated.

Also would love a mentor!! Figured I could add that

Mama Bear JJ​(dom female){koa} • May 12, 2020

It’s okay to be nervous when you are becoming a part of something new, whether it is an online community or a relationship. Those worth knowing will understand that and show patience as you work through things, learn, and grow. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is an important part of doing those things, but it’s a process. Don’t expect to adjust, become the worlds best sub, and everything a Dom needs or wants all at once, it takes time. Take that time, work through the process, and allow your partner or potential partner to do what they do best and help you get there.

As for messages ... yes, us girls can literally get buried in them sometimes (sub males as well I’m Sure). The good news is, you don’t have to respond to every single one and you can choose which ones to open and when. Don’t let it overwhelm you, your inbox is something you have control over.

I won’t lie, some can get pushy and keep sending messages, but most don’t. Most understand that you might not respond, and more than a few send the same exact messages out to others at the same time, so they aren’t necessarily expecting anything anyway. You don’t have to feel bad about not opening or not responding to one. It’s your choice.

Personally, I have a rules for whether or not I respond that makes it easier for me. I’m clear about things I will or won’t respond to on my profile. I also don’t respond to messages that just say hi, don’t ask a question, or ask a general question ... you know the, I send this same exact message to everyone type of message lol. I include enough info on my profile for those messaging to be able to ask something more specific to me, whether they just browsed it or read the whole thing (yes, I’m aware mine is long, I’m a writer ... *shrugs*). If you want me to take the the time to get to know you, show me you’ve taken the time to get to know me. I think I deserve that and so does everyone else in this community.

Just my perspective, hope it’s helpful and hang in there ... you can do it 🤗

AlphaRomeo​(switch male) • May 12, 2020

I think the best piece of advice I can give is that nobody here is going to judge you for what you may or may not be into, we all have some form of non-vanilla interests, otherwise we wouldn't be here. And if somebody does judge you for that they're a hypocrite and you probably don't need them in your life.

If your just feeling nervous about progressing your relationship, my advice would be to talk it over with them. From what I've seen out there there's a lot of shy Subs out there so your not alone, and I as a dom usually expect that from someone new. It takes a lot of courage and trust to be willing to put yourself in a position of vulnerability as a sub and any good dom should understand that. Submission is something that is earned. So to reiterate, I think you should just talk it over with them. Some more experienced subs and doms may have some better advice but that's the best I can give you.

No Body​(dom male) • May 12, 2020

JuicyJess is right you don't have to and should not answer everyone. I tell every new sub to go into the chat room and say hello. Talk to the subs and get to know everyone. Just ask questions and get to understand our world and those who are in it. Take your time and understand the world we are in learn what you like and don't like. As for mentor well take your time and get to know you are first.

RedKat{Not now } • May 12, 2020

I am very new also and I understand. I love to laugh so what really gets me rolling is when a Dom sends a request in all caps! Don’t ask me why, but I think it must be the assumption that you are supposed to do whatever, just because he put it in all caps. No agreement, hilarious and they need to stop watching bullshit!

dunyasha​(switch female) • May 12, 2020

JuicyJess

If you want me to take the the time to get to know you, show me you’ve taken the time to get to know me. I think I deserve that and so does everyone else in this community.

Just my perspective, hope it’s helpful and hang in there ... you can do it 🤗[/quote]

Thank you so much for your reply!! It honestly helps and puts some things into perspective that I haven’t thought about!!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 12, 2020

Whew, yeah, i don't have an simple easy answer. i'm also aware that my perspective is limited.

i'm a gay male sub, so we have the sub part in common and we are both attracted to Dom Males. Your experience is generally different as a woman, growing up in a largely patriarchal culture where men can have power presumptively without earning or asking for it. The list goes on.

With that prelude, i think the potential for finding something very special here has to be weighed against all the VALID stuff that may evoke fear and the natural flight response.

i think, the truth is, there are plenty of Dom Males who are afraid too. Any person who is aware has to face fear. Opening up to another person leaves one vulnerable to that person.

Surgeons have to go through almost 14 years of training before they are allowed to open a person up and touch their insides. They have hundreds of hours of training and practice. There are no such licensing watchdogs or agencies for relationship, no one to certify Dom's or subs as safe and sane.

i think it's a balancing act. Every time you open another piece of your self up, you take a risk, so i think it is wise to take that process slow, carefully and purposefully. i think part of the balancing is BOTH parties need to open and be vulnerable with the other. my experience has been that both Dom's and subs will sometimes use the label to hide behind. The Dom may say something like "i don't have to tell you anything, i'm in charge." The sub might use something like "Your in charge, it's Your responsibility to find out who i am."

Relationship is mutual vulnerability as i see it. Mutual vulnerability builds trust. i believe the Dom learns He/She/They learn and prove they can trust the sub they are open and vulnerable with, step by step, incrementally. i believe the sub goes through the same process.

The process may be longer or shorter with some stuff, with some people, but i think D/s is a process, not a leap. i had a Dom who wanted to trance me 3 days after meeting me. He didn't understand and became impatient with my reluctance to relinquish that kind of potential control so soon, i barely knew Him. Giving Him the benefit of the doubt, i tried to explain that He knows Himself, so it's not a big deal for Him to trust Himself, i don't have that advantage. He didn't seem to get it lol.

Ah well. It's complicated, my intuition tells me He's likely trustworthy, but i know better than to trust my intuition alone, especially with big stuff. It's all so complex because even if my intuition is affirmed, i think it's important to base trust on evidence vs intuition. Con's, scammers make bank on manipulating who we are and often seem to have more understanding than the people we are trying to have a relationship with lol.

So, i think it's okeedokee, healthy, to be afraid and cautious. i think one of the tricks is to learn how to not be afraid of fear and run from it. i think often when we run, we're running because of fear. A different tact is to learn to acknowledge, and even respect fear, but learn how to use it instead of the other way around.

And, thank you for opening up and presenting this to the community. That to me shows some very wonderful attributes of courage and wisdom.

Mama Bear JJ​(dom female){koa} • May 12, 2020

You're welcome, I'm glad you found it helpful. Feel free to message me anytime, I'm always happy to listen and offer help where I can. 💕

annabellestasia​(sub female) • May 12, 2020

I’m probably not going to be able to help you but I just wanted to say that I feel EXACTLY the same!

Being “seen” on a normal dating site is only indicative of you looking for a date, being seen on The Cage feels like being “exposed.”

My kinks are my kinks & I’d rather not bump into Mike from my Accounts department on here! Subconsciously for me, I think that’s where my flightiness comes from, being vulnerable and sharing personal things with someone who I really have to idea who they really are!!

Someone wise and kind on this site once told me that I should never give away any part of my name, town and a full photo of my face, all together, as that makes me trackable! Be safe and sensible and you’ll be okay and over time those feelings of wanting to disappear will subside gradually!!

Kendra • May 13, 2020

I feel exactly the same.. i am here, i am gone.. i have fear. i crave to be a sub and learn submission and all of its depth and nuances. Then i talk to someone who at first is okay and then the red flags start flying.. a few Doms i have spoken to are the real deal.. i just have this fear.. i absolutely have boundaries and sometimes that can be a deal breaker. i am really happy to know i am not alone in that