Opinions wanted: Getting inspired

Opinions wanted: Getting inspired

Malachite Buckler​(dom female){Jay} • Jun 7, 2020

I have been in a bit of a sexual slump for the past year. I am very happily married to my kinky husband but its been ages since we've done anything sub/dom related. Im finding that my sex drive is nearly nonexistent and Im very disinterested when we have sex. Part of me thinks this is just one of the downsides of having only one partner but I dont want to give up on ever enjoyong myself again.

One of my issues (I think) is not having inspiration. Its been awhile since I saw or read something that really put me into dom-space. I also find it increasingly harder to find my dom voice, but that just might be lack of practice.

So, two questions:

Has anyone else experienced this kind of slump?

Where do you find inspiration?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 7, 2020

i appreciate this topic, thank you for opening up and posting it.

i may only be able to nibble at the edges of your question? Being a gay male sub there are lots of differences between us, but we are similarly human, eh?

One thing that can "inspire" me is erotic literature. Some cerebral erotic writing can get right into my space and push buttons, turning me 'on' in all sorts of ways. For me it can be sort of like disconnected domination if i end up identifying and being sucked into the story. In my case it can also be a little frustrating because i am alone and have no one to then turn to to make it 'real,' but that is not your issue?

For me, the combination of 'good' erotic literature and orgasm denial (hey, i'm sub) can ramp me up and make me extremely sexually vibrant and opened. Which gives me another idea, which is maybe find some similar material for your "kinky husband," maybe even read it out loud together or an audio book format?
There have been times when i thought my dip was physiological, which is always a possibility, but have found that, no, all the parts work fine, that just a well placed spark can cause a conflagration lol.

SimplyJane​(dom female) • Jun 7, 2020

You said you are disinterested when
you have sex. Maybe it’s the
type of sex your having. You are Domme
so it’s possible your not feeling
powerful when your having sex.
Personally, I can not go back
to vanilla sex because I do not
enjoy pleasing a man.
Think about things you like and
concentrate only on those things.
Example: Tell him. Tonight your going down on me. That’s all we are doing!
On the other hand , in a long term relationship it’s easy to get
side tracked with rent, bills, problems etc.
My advice is don’t wait for the inspiration. Just get into it . Dive right in, and the feelings will follow. It is possible you may
wait a long time and could eventually
hurt a relationship.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 7, 2020

Wow, yeah. a lot of this resonated with me big time.
Although i note that i am "gay,'" i was in fact married to a woman for most of my life (long story). There were parts of it that worked. Though we were mis-matched as straight with gay, the sub in me carried us a long way.
Your comment about not wanting "go back to vanilla sex because [you] do not enjoy pleasing a man, " made me think of my seeming intrinsic need/desire to please my mate. It's a trait i associate with my sub nature, though i am not sure it's a trait exclusive to Dominate nature? idk, but to me the best chemistry is the symbiosis i find in a Dominate finding pleasure in the control i need, and it comes across to me as Them deriving pleasure in my wanting to please?
But, yes, my Dominate taking control and pushing the buttons in me they know how to push is what evokes those things in me that seem to reciprocally push their buttons and bring them pleasure.

The Number one Sir​(dom male) • Jun 7, 2020

You ever try taking a break? The pressure to be 'on' all the time can suck the fun out of things. Sometimes the best way forward is to take a step backwards.

Try switching off from sex for a while, you might find the natural urge comes back by itself

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 7, 2020

Have him kidnapped by a freind he doesnt know, preferably male. Driven around in the back if a van gagged n blindfolded. He gets to hear what sounds like hes being sold to someone else and tossed in a trunk. Make sure thebinly hears male voices. Whenbya finally get him back to your place or the basement/ warehouse you conveniently rent and string him up. Enjoy going through what tools youdbusually use, but make sure he inlybhears male voices- even if it's just a bunch of guys in another room with the door left open while they play poker and watch the game. Get a guy to whisper horrible things in his ear before you get sexual.

Then toss him back in a van bound n gagged n blindfolded in a body bag. Bring him home and tie him to the bed spread eagle. Use scissors to remove all of uims cloths and without removing gag or blindfold whisper in his ear "did you have fun tonight my dear?"

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 7, 2020

This is a struggle outside of BDSM as much as in it. Most relationships will suffer from lack of ideas/interest/boredom/etc. It's for this reason I make preemptive strikes in that area.

Heard the topic of maintenance sex? Basically keep having it to give a chance for the mood to be made. You have to be IN the situation to feel something. Just got to add things. Not subtract. Make SOME time to take thintgs easy but don't use that as an excuse to get lazy. You have to fight your "current" feelings in order to MAKE new ones. Avoid getting trapped in a slump and forge a situation with your own 2 hands. It will not appear by "magic". Spontaneous situations can happen of there own accord, but how can you MAKE them happen? I'm serious. You can make that happen.

I'm very serious about avoiding the trap of "current" mood. Do more to feel more. Simple as. Just look out for burn out. If you're having a bad day that's fine. If you're making excuses to put things off that's not fine. Make of that what you will. It simply doesn't take THAT long to get your ass in gear. You just fear it does. The question is if your partner also gets their ass in gear.

The struggle of course is in trying new things. New approaches. Doing more then just sticking your dick in or whatever.

It's also important to do things OTHER then sex. But perhaps try to add things like flirting, getting more hands on and such while doing those things. Something can both be sexual and not as well. Collars and leashes can be fun in general as well as giving the leash a firm yank as you take advantage. Think of what is lewd, consider how it can be not lewd. Think of what is not lewd, consider how it can be lewd. The idea is that something is always "present" that can be used for lewd intent at any point in time. The option always being available.

Both before and after sex it's important to provide feedback. EVEN IF IT'S CRITICISM. Without that people simply won't improve. The fault isn't on you alone, it's ALSO on your partner. BOTH of you need to get ideas and change your approach. You can give your own ideas but are they trying to think of things too? Takes two to tango. A classic dom mistake is assuming you have to make everything happen on your own all the time. To be the ONLY one to control events. In reality and practice that's not how it works. You just can't engage with a limp, lifeless partner devoid of ideas that never approaches you. Not saying that's the situation. Am saying it happens. I'm also saying it might be in danger of happening if it hasn't yet. The partner has to initiate things as well. And it is on you, the dom, to "go with the flow". To be guided and given direction as much as giving that yourself.

Keep in mind that sex isn't going to be great on the first few goes when there's a struggle like this. But make the best of things where you can. And straight after do other fun things, because enjoy what you have. In time you learn from what you did wrong and how to do things better. Just got to let someone know so they can do it. Even people that fall out with me can't deny that they've enjoyed themselves with me because I roll up my sleeves and just get into it. As do they. Stalling or hesitating is counter productive and putting things off. You won't have a good time when you're doing nothing but worrying. You might when you actually do things. You will if you make the effort and adapt. Provided you make the right approach and get your partner too. Again, feedback. Criticism. Positive and negative. Communicate. Don't avoid the topic of sex just because it's unpleasant. That only indicate it has to be discussed more, not less. If you really struggle and can't figure things out between yourselves consider seeing a professional. Probably a relationship counsellor. Or hell, just talk to lewd people and ask them how they make it work. Some of them are bound to have had the same obstetrical at some point.

Btw, consider the little things like baths, warm drinks and avoiding stressful environment. If you overlook little things like this and don't get enough sleep you can get depressed more easily (or grumpy/moody, etc) which will of course affect the libido. Booze and smoking also has a negative affect in that area.

As for ideas, I have tons. But without knowing your kinks I can only stab in the dark. We'd be here all day. Too many kinks. It might be worth making an F-list on F-chat (it provides tons and tons of kinks for you to list). Think about the kinks you list as you make your kink list and consider how you can work it into a scene/story. Then simply "rehearse" for lack of a better term. Try multiple ways of doing things too. I even encourage doing things with others. If you pick something up from them it can benefit you and your partner. It will also increase your own confidence if you know an approach works after implementing it with others. There will be that concern of approaching your partner wrong of course (but that could be them responding wrong as well), but this comes down to your own approach and their own response to it.

What approach do they want to take and what RESPONSE do you want? This logic works both ways naturally. They'll want to make their own approaches and you might need to change your own responses. Classic "action and reaction". In some ways you might even have to "act" at first. Then what was once a play can become real. "more spontaneous". Repetition.

Getting into online roleplay can help too. Easier then the physical in some ways. Harder in others. You don't need to be "stiff" to make good text. Even if you don't feel the mood at that point in time you might remember it later and then act on it. You made a plan. You act on the plan. The challenge here of course is writing your own new ideas. But think of it like writers block. Hell, even grab some blank paper in real life and just write and write and write while trying to take things in a lewd direction. You might suck at it first, maybe even for a while, but at some point the ideas will arrive spontaneity even if you had to spend some time thinking things through. "Overthink" to try and come up with new things beforehand (positive overthinking is a good thing). But don't let that cause you to stop and stall. After you've given a situation some thought (or a lot) just WRITE. Or type if you use notepad or are engaging in online roleplay with someone. The last part has the advantage of feeding of each others ideas. Which fuel each other. Even something as simple and basic as playing a board game and rolling dice can be used to get flirty and naughty. "Roll a 6, kiss on the lips". Toss tact out the window and just dive into the gutter.

Could also be worth getting someone in real life to write on paper with you (again, lewd direction. Don't have to do the lewd things themselves if that's a concern). Just keep in mind that you let your OWN actions speak for themselves. Stick to 3rd person phrases like "X does Y action to Z person". refraining from trying to decide the actions of the other person unless otherwise in a controlled and forceful way (like handcuffing them to a radiator).

Stick with that radiator example for a moment. How can it happen? There's multiple ways to go about doing any one things. Lewd and not. It's not the "what" alone. It's the "how". A simple casual joke of "The idea of being your prisoner appeals to me" could lead to an action from them. A playful kick against your leg. With their own words added in. It was my phrase that ignited that possibility. This is the obvious part. Now consider how you yourself can respond to what someone says. What action can you do after someone utters simple words at you? Another example might be slapping across the cheek for backchat and sass. Which can be taken in a dom/foreceful direction with orders and firm handling of the other person as they're made to do lewd things to you (forced oral for example). Yet another example can be simply leaning against someone and running your hand up or down along their thigh. Even when someone says they're up up for something I still make a simple action like that. Then poof, I changed their mood. Which in turn changes mine. THEN I MENTION IT! The first time. Or first few. Very important. Because I want them to be just as aware that THEY can change a situation as much as I can. Some subs might use their label as an excuse to refuse to try and initiate things. But the label isn't an excuse to be lazy and thoughtless. It is very important that the other person, regardless of what type of person they are, tries to approach you and make things happen themselves. Even if that means "Under your orders/permission". In that light the biggest obstacle might be on the sub. A dom already knows to "give direction". A sub might not. So if you're struggling as a dom, imagine how a sub feels.

It's on the other party to respond somehow. If one or both of you fail to do so reflect on how things could have gone better. Yes the moment is gone but reflect and consider. Because that moment might come back or otherwise be made to do so. Then act on it. How can things go better next time? Don't worry about making things "perfect". Just think of ANYTHING that would have lead to further interaction. Then work from there.

Basically, consider how to make sex suck just a little less before considering how to make it good. You're working up.

Malachite Buckler​(dom female){Jay} • Jun 8, 2020

Wow, that would be incredible! There would have to be a lot of negotiation and coordination for this, but I am dedinitely taking down this idea for future reference!

Malachite Buckler​(dom female){Jay} • Jun 8, 2020

First of all, I appreciate the sheer amount of detail and information you shared. There are a lot of good things to try here. I am definitely looking into online roleplay. You mentioned "rehearsing" and since I had some alone time (he had work today and I had the house to myself) I actually tried a scene on my own. It helped so much! It really made me excited to bring up BDSM to my partner again.