Utterly at a loss..

Utterly at a loss..

lilWolfie​(sub female) • Jun 8, 2020

I'm not all too sure how to start this. But I suppose before I can ask for help. I should first explain how it's come to this.

I was in a relationship for four years with a man (DD)
Sadly.. it was my most healthy, yet unhealthy relationship.
He lived with another woman. All I had was his word to go by for how that life was for him an the status. He spun quite the story. An I ate it up.
After the first year I pushed him away. I didn't like "falling" for him. He pursued on.
After the second year, I started doubting an having outbursts when he didn't do the things he said he would. (Show for events) He forgave me an pursued on.
After the third year I snapped when he absolutly refused to hear me out on how I felt about everything. (I couldn't do it anymore an asked him to move in with me.) He said maybe i should get back on my bipolar meds, and pursued on.
After the fourth year I utterly shut down. I let him have an ear full. Blocked him on everything an chose to move on.

Now.. sadly there is soooo much more detail to this. In one hand we communicated an grew together. He cared for me an pushed me to make huge leaps in my life. Making it one of my healthier relationships. But on the other hand he lied and manipulated to continue to have access to me. Always making big plans like moving in, even picking out paint for the new house. Going through all the motions of it, but turning cold when the time came. Making it one of the worse.

With a bit of the history out of the way..
It's been a little over a year. I've tried to be with someone else an.. just continue to feel numb. Which is fine, I understand I need to heal still. Though without a partner I'm left to play with my toys. Which is more than fine with me. Although something has been occurring in the last few months.

I listen to audio while I play. Daddy asmr if you will. Get my jollies off an roll over to listen to an aftercare audio. An every time. Even without the audio. I end up sobbing. Every time I play.
It comes so sudden an then passes. Leaving me.. drained. I should probably talk to a therapist about this. Though.. I don't care to explain the WHOLE story to someone. An yet.. Here I am on the internet.. explaining the WHOLE story to.. lots of someones.

I'm scared.. in that juvenile kind of way. That something is just broken. He was my first DD. An I was so stupid. Im.. worried I'll cry after intimate time with another man. Yet.. I have no idea WHY.

I'm doing so much better, than I was a year ago. But for the life of me I can't understand why this keeps happening. Anyone care to.. help?

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jun 8, 2020

It's called "sub drop".

LuceeLu • Jun 8, 2020

Oh sweet girl. My heart breaks for you. First and foremost, I’m sending you love. 🤎 Hugs and kisses sweet pea.

I’m afraid I can’t give you much, but I’ll tell you what has helped me.

I have a friend here. He’s a great ear. He knows EVERYTHING about my first d/s experience and he continues to be a sounding board for me. I ask him anything and everything. He’s a guide and he’d protect me if I needed it.

I think you could use one of those. I think it might be hard to find. So if you want to share him, I’ll ask permission and give you a part of my friend. He’s amazing.

Sometimes we talk about gardening and other times we talk about my Sir and My Daddy.

He may be willing to guide you. If you’d like a friend, I can be that for you too. Let me know what you need sweet girl, and keep your chin up. The sun is shining, you just need to lift your eyes...and if you can’t, then maybe we can find a friend to help you do it. 🤎

LuceeLu • Jun 8, 2020

I should add that there are soooo many people in this community that have the best guidance.

I’ve never felt so supported as I do here.

lilWolfie​(sub female) • Jun 8, 2020

Sub drop.. feel dumb now. Makes perfect sense.

Lucee, thank you! I would absolutely love that. I need more people i can turn to an talk about these things with.

LuceeLu • Jun 8, 2020

You got it babe. I reached out to my friend. 🤎

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jun 8, 2020

Please don't feel dumb. No honey...you just had the wrong label attached to the experience. Like having the wrong price tag on a piece of clothing.

I write blogs and when a published, I was having the same experience. It took me ages but I realised that I was experiencing "intellectual sub drop"....the rush of endorphins that suddenly stopped once I was done using my brain.

Once I figured that out, and figured out how THAT PARTICULAR drop, I didn't drop quite so hard.

WhatamIfightingfor​(dom male){CurvyB} • Jun 9, 2020

Relax and forgive yourself. You don't want to meet my ex what ever they were. We can learn even from toxic relationships, that dichotomy is painful, if it did not hurt something would be very wrong. Breath, relax, heal.

HisHunnyBun​(sub female){Taken} • Jun 9, 2020

We have all probably been through what you have

My story:
Met someone here on my first day
Someone I thought was Mr perfect

Next day he leaves me saying his mom broke her hip so between his job and taking care of her he can't have a sub. Okay no problem with that....
What I do have a problem with is that he said "we can still be friends"
Plus his profile is still on the cage...
Yeah....

sunflowerbaby​(sub female) • Jun 9, 2020

I've been going through this for quite awhile and haven't even realized what it was till I saw this and now I'm crying because it all makes sense now. He was so severely abusive to me mentally emotionally verbally physically but I stayed because I was young and because when he wasn't being abusive he was a pretty okay daddy to me and it felt great and since I finally got out of the relationship a little over 3 years now I still was experiencing this and found my self almost wanting to call him to see if it fixed it even though I know it wont . But now it all makes so much sense so I guess thank you for making a post about what was happening with you because know I know what it was that I was experiencing too