How To Find The Right Sub For You

How To Find The Right Sub For You

Villanelle​(staff) • Sep 12, 2016

Kinkly has an interesting new article outlining how to find a good submissive:

https://www.kinkly.com/2/9024/sex-tips/bdsm/5-ways-to-spot-a-good-submissive?utm_content=buffer59cc5&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

The points in short  are:

1.  They Should Be Able to Take and Execute Orders Efficiently

2. They Are Able to Clearly Articulate Their Limits

3. Be Willing to Develop Themselves Outside of the Context of a Scene

4.  They Must Trust You Enough to Submit to You

5. They Shouldn’t Allow You to Do Whatever You Want

The author, Anna Gibson, expands on all of these points in her article, so please do make sure to have a read of the full piece.

What are your thoughts on this list?  And what would you add to it or change about it?  Dominants, how do you find and vet a new submissive? Subs, how do you feel about this list?

ThatDizzyChick​(masochist female) • Sep 12, 2016

The two of you should be able to function together outside of the D/s context.

Villanelle​(staff) • Sep 13, 2016

I think that's a very important point.  It's not enough to just connect in a D/s way.  At least not for me.  I need to be able to laugh and discuss things with my submissive.  Even when I've had a strictly service sub without a romantic element to our relationship, being able to casually hang out was necessary in order to create trust and intimacy.

Rod​(dom male) • Sep 14, 2016

I am always nervous about "How to" lists, they can often over simplify what is a really complex issue. The article certainly raises some good, common sense points but misses one of the most important in my book, make sure you have compatible kinks.
The most common reason I have had for short or unsuccessful relationships with subs was when I didn't spend enough time working out what kinks we liked in common. Now some might say a good sub should just do what's she's told but that's not how it works. Some gals love lots of spanking, some like their boobs involved in every game, some love to be tied at every opportunity and so on, and if they aren't getting enough of their favorite kink they will quickly lose interest and things will come to an end.
Of course I'm not implying that every game or scene should be only what the sub likes but if you want it too then you'll both be happy and the relationship will have a better chance of lasting.

YoursToTake • Sep 14, 2016

How do I find a my male Dom? Any advice?

Villanelle​(staff) • Sep 14, 2016

@YoursToTake - interacting in your online and offline kinky social circles is important (like you are here).  Let people see you and get to know you and that you are looking.  Dominants like fun, curious, interested and engaged people too!  Being submissive is not a reason to be passive or to sit around quietly and wait.  As a dominant, I'm interested in people I see engaging and having fun and who make the effort to get to know me as a person first.  Anyone who steps to me immediately from a submissive headspace or approaches me just because I am dominant - well that's immediately a red flag that they are more interested in what I can do for them than any real relationship. So be social, have a good time, make some new friends, and hopefully the right fit will turn up for you.  That's my advice.  Good luck with your search!

Cbtdavid • Sep 21, 2016

 Evangeline 
 Serious question.  How do I  find a legit dominatrix.? Most of the online websites are just a bunch of scammers trying to get money out of you. I don't mind paying a professional for a legit experience. but I don't want to get ripped off or be in danger.

Villanelle​(staff) • Sep 21, 2016

@Cbtdavid - it depends on what you want.  If you want a domme to fulfill your fantasies and operate according to your script, it's best to get your credit card out and go see a pro.  If you want to truly submit to a woman in the context of a proper relationship go to local events or engage in conversation and debate within online communities (or both). Get to know dominant women as people and see what develops, just like one does in a 'vanilla' relationship.  We are just people and want to be treated as individuals, not archetypes or fantasy fulfillment dispensers.

I have a number of female dominant friends and a regular complaint is submissives approaching them and having it be all about the submissive:  "Hello Random Mistress (one of many I am spamming with the same message).  Can you lock me up or peg me or torture me (etc. etc.)?  If that sounds familiar, you're in trouble. I can't tell you how many messages I receive asking if I can dominant someone in some way or another, without ever asking anything about me as a person or what I want.  I don't expect a D/s relationship to be all about me just because I am the dominant, but it's damned sure NOT going to be all about me servicing the sub.  Yawn.  Delete.

Cbtdavid • Sep 21, 2016

 Thanks for the reply Evangeline. I'll keep the search up. Would love to talk to you some more when I have a bit more time 

Pamela smith​(sub trans woman) • Dec 19, 2016

Great post Evangeline.  Just what I needed to understand and makes total sense to me. Will definitely remember as I look for the right mistress for me.