Mentoring's Importance and Approaching a Potential Mentor

Mentoring's Importance and Approaching a Potential Mentor

Curiousn'thinking​(switch female) • Jun 13, 2020

Hello all!
As I'be been falling deeper into the rabbit hole that is BDSM, I've realized just how little I do know.
One aspect that has been stressed is mentoring and how important a mentor is. However, very few people that I've talked to have really delved into the specifics.

Aside from mentoring to make sure you understand the significance of what dominantion and submission really is. I would love if you guys would share your views/experience with mentoring.

Another thing that I'm looking into is finding a mentor of my own. What do you think the best possible way to approach one would be? To my fellow submissives, do you think that it is important to approach a submissive who is the same type of submissive as yourself? (little, slave, etc.)

Thanks for your answers in advance.

Bishop​(dom male) • Jun 13, 2020

I would caution you in finding a mentor. Take your time. In my opinion a mentor is just a guide to answer questions, he is not your Dom and should never cross the boundaries. In fact, I’m against a male Dom mentoring a female submissive. There’s just too much opportunity for a “fake” Dom to step in. Not all fakes are obvious, many are very subtle. I would seek out a female submissive to mentor a female submissive. It’s just the safe thing to do. If a male Dom was chosen, I would strongly suggest there be absolutely nothing sexual between you, no titles, no training. He is not your Dom and if he suggests anything like that, run like hell...focus on reading books and going to local events and talking to other subs.

Curiousn'thinking​(switch female) • Jun 13, 2020

It is something that I'm trying to be careful about. I never intended to find a male Dom for a mentor, I completely agree with you. Way too much grey room for my liking.

Personally, I'm looking for a female submissive who can help me answer questions and who I can talk to, someone who is also a friend.
Thank you for the warning though. Something I'll keep in mind, useful information for any newbies. More experienced Doms mentor newer ones, more experienced subs mentor newer ones.
On that note, I have listened to a few podcasts Kuldrin's Krypt is one of my favorites. Any podcast/ book recommendations from anyone?

heart of gold​(switch female) • Jun 13, 2020

I'm so glad u brought this up as I was going to ask the same exact thing especially since I have read several books and blogs and so much more and I still just am so unsure of so much and how things work or generally work so thank u for bringing this up . I too am looking for 2 mentors as I'm told I'm a switch so would like to understand my role as both but I feel I lean and am more comfortable with being a sub. I know I probably didnt help u but hopefully this helps

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 13, 2020

If you want a mentor from here your best bet would be to view thebreplies of posts that matter to you and check the profilea of the Doms that make replies that coexist with the way you think.if you find someone of such that makes many replies to posts and they continuously speak in a sense that's keen tonyour thoughts then you can message them directly asking for mentorship

heartbrokengirl​(sub female) • Jun 13, 2020

I have no experience with having a mentor.

but I can say finding a few active people on here that share my interests and have similar experiences, becoming friends with them has helped me so much.

I have my go to people on here that I feel like I can ask for advice or a 3rd party perspective, that I trust and know would only try to help.
Reading blogs of people that have experience or words of wisdom are also great ways to help in your journey.

Edit to add that there is a really good blog posted right now about mentors that you should check out

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • Jun 13, 2020

Hi hi Curiousn'thinking​,
Bishop is 100% right, and so is your logic. When I first began I had a male mentor who, sadly, outlined the same concerns Bishop did, and then a few weeks later tried to break them. I immediately distanced myself from him. that was 16 going on 17 years ago. Since that time I've done most of my exploring alone or with a committed partner. Right now, the protected status in my collar is a new thing, and something that has a very specific cause and very specific purpose, but it is not something I recommend to all people in all situations, or even most.

On the other side of the coin I have had the honor of mentoring three other girls in my time. Two online, and one in the real. I was incredibly blessed to have been in that formal capacity and I think it helped them to feel comfortable in their own shoes. The two online have flown off on their own, but check back in to say "hi" on occasion. The one irl is terribly busy *right now* but prior to the world going nuts we still checked in pretty regularly. Do i feel I was NECESSARY to their development? Heck no! They could have and probably would have ended up just fine on their own, my only purpose was to pose questions, suggestions and gently nudge them in areas they could do some work on exploration and understanding.

I'm aware of some much more amazing mentorship programs around the country for both sides of the slash. The one I'm most closely affiliated with lasts a year. No one involved is allowed to have a personal relationship or be angling for one (and it is seriously frowned upon for them to form one after). The two sides of the program are kept apart with an abundance of caution. The whole purpose is to give everyone the basic tools of knowledge in safety in addition to giving them a bird's eye view of the myriad of different paths that exist, and some practical experience in areas of interest so that they can make safe and informed decisions moving on.

I don't know your own situation, and if looking for one such mentorship program in your area would be feasible. House Talion is also absolutely right, but with a caveat (all due respect). Yes, look at people's replies to forum and blogs... but remember, there can be VERY sneaky and destructive people hiding in plain sight. On the surface they look like one thing. they can even have the community as a whole fooled! "likes" or engagement with the community is NO GUARANTEE of them being a good person in private. Neither is experience or number of years in the lifestyle, or how well read they are. I know that sounds ominous, and maybe alarmist, but it is the truth.

On the whole the female submissives here are one heck of a supportive community. You dont need to be mentored to receive help and guidance. I would bet my bottom dollar that if you message 5 active participants here, you would get replies from at least 3. We are all on the same road, we have all been where you are at some point. <3

One final word of warning, just because a girl is listed as a female submissive does not necessarily mean that her intentions are 100% altruistic either. In one unfortunate instance I was "befriended" by a girl who was actively trying to get information from me to turn over to her dom to use for not so hot purposes. ... it is rare, but it happens. |I would be remiss in not warning you of this.

~I wish you well on your journey.
Faith, The Velveteen slave

Exquisite​(sub female) • Jun 13, 2020

There are a lot of variables that you should consider: 1. Do you need discretion 2. Are you willing to meet with someone 3. Knowing exactly what you want

I mentioned a few however, always gravitate towards the same sex when searching for a mentor. I personally if I need discretion I would search online for books, different websites, take a trip outside of my state to a Munch or check online by typing in BDSM Events in other states.

I required discretion because of my goals and I was fortunate enough to go to a Country that has an enormous BDSM Community.

Remember to take your time and if it doesn’t feel right move on to someone else because the bottom line “it’s your life, your happiness and absolutely know one else”!