Question for Dom or Sub, would like both perspectives

Question for Dom or Sub, would like both perspectives

KnottyBunny • Jun 15, 2020

Background Story:

Sub is new to the LS and within 2 months gets collared while they are both drunk and wasted. (IMHO bad idea already). Sometime in that same evening, the sub kneels and asks for the collar to be removed (maybe she just wasn't ready and didn't understand fully), but she doesn't remember any of this because she was blacked out.

With all of this in mind I want you to know that everything has been discussed and it was clarified that the slate was wiped clean.

Asking for a friend....

Here are my questions:

1. Is it normal for the Dom to continue to bring it up? Even send photos of a collar they both like but then say the Dom is not getting it because the sub can't be collared?

2. Is it OK for the Dom to continue to bring it up after the sub has already taken physical punishment for it? Is this the mental punishment?

3. For subs only: Would this behavior make you feel you werent good enough for that Dom, ever? Would it discourage you or would it be a challenge to you?

4. For Doms only: What do you see as the teaching factor in this situation or is this a mind game?

5. Subs only: Run or continue the dynamic and try to better yourself?

Thank you all!

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 15, 2020

1. Not normal. The guy is apparently trying to get what he cant have.

2. It's not ok, hes acting like a spoiled child.

3. The teaching factor of this situation is that nothing done while inebriated is permanent when it comes to D/a relationships. It can be discussed if mutually consetual

Fallible Malleable • Jun 15, 2020

I’m thinking that the fact that both parties were drunk and wasted would make the collaring or any sort of agreement null and void. Not SSC or RACK. The fact that both people were in an impaired state would be cause and pause for concern right at the start. I’d say good on the submissive for recognizing that perhaps this isn’t the way they want the dynamic to start out or progress and asking for the collar to be removed.
The fact that there seems to be lingering and overt references to what has happened with no real discussion of each parties roll, a breakdown of step by step what happened (as if to deconstruct a scene) nor a conversation of where things are, and where they each want them to go I’d be inclined to tell the parties to part ways as it would appear that things starting off in such a fashion have done damage that apparently will hinder any positive forward movement. *IF* both parties can step back, speak about what happened and why it wasn’t a good move on BOTH of their parts and then map a slow, steady, and healthy path forward then things might work but, given the quick forward momentum and the fact that neither party stepped up in a situation that required it would give me pause. People are human, mistakes get made, stuff happens, but I think in the D/s, BDSM world it is so very important to keep your wits about you and ensure that there is always at least one person steering the course. *Even better if it both but, when someone has lost their way or struggles the other party needs to be able to step up or step in.* Hopefully all involved can learn from the experience.

Mr E​(dom male) • Jun 15, 2020

Sadly, and with the scenario as presented, it looks like this will always be leverage for them.

Not what you want to hear but this could be a useful learning moment for you.

SIRMASON​(dom male) • Jun 15, 2020

to start my opinion off i'll say this since both parties was drunk that alone makes that verbal contract null and void as in non existent didn't happen.

1. that supposed DOM is a fraud he is no dom if he keeps talking about something he sees clearly he can't have

2. you shouldn't have taken punishment of any kind for something that was done while you was drunk---- find another guy to be your DOM cause he's just an ass playing DOM he's a sheep in wolves clothing

4. this is nothing but mind games on his part but for you for your own growth the lesson is ---------- STOP DOING THINGS WHILE YOUR DRUNK

5. in my own opinion and not from him you should receive a right good spanking for your bad choices

LordofPain56 • Jun 16, 2020

I'm not into the Master/slave, ownership or collars type stuff, but in my book of rules, once a punishment has been administered, the offender is forgiven for that transgression and it is never brought up again. In my book of rules, there is a difference between a mistake and an offense. It sounds to me like your friend was not even alert when being collared in the first place so why should she be held responsible for wanting it removed. And, was asking for the collar to be removed a KNOWN offense in the household? I don't know about other D/s folks, but in my household, all the rules are posted and are KNOWN to the sub. There are some rules in my list that don't warrant a punishment as such, but can impose a scolding. Doms are supposed to be fair, right?

His behavior

Low{BLK OWND} • Jun 19, 2020

would make me think he is not good enough for me.
I would end this fast

Redamancy • Jun 19, 2020

1. As a sub i would feel like they weren't respecting my boundaries. Since you had already discussed the situation there is no need to keep bringing it up.
2. no mental punishment should be needed?? In my opinion mental degradation is only okay within the space of your BDSM sessions, not consistently and constantly throughout the day. Then how are you supposed to use your safe word?
3. i think it would make me lose respect for them a bit. I would definitely feel put down by it, but after a while enough is enough. You weren’t ready, end of discussion.
5.I would have a second discussion and express your thoughts, depending on how that conversation goes i would either stay if they choose to respect and let it go, or leave if they didnt.

Run!

ArtfulDodger​(sub female){collared} • Jul 1, 2020

Run! Run far, far away! If he is bringing up collars and taunting you with it, he is punishing you mentally. One of the first rules of D/s is once a topic has been clarified - most especially if there was physical punishment - it is closed. Over. No more recriminations or rubbing your nose in it. You deserve a better Dom than this.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jul 2, 2020

What ArtfulDodger said....

I am ahgast at the temerity that this man has at thinking that he can continue to bring it up AFTER a punishment (that in and of itself is laughable...what's to punish??) has been delivered. Would you do the same to a child if they did something wrong (again, what is wrong with saying "As a grown as adult, I've changed my mind."?)? NO!

Only a monster does that.

Run! Run fast and far because doing otherwise is self abuse....

Punishment my ass! Revenge is what it was....