Orgasm denial.

Orgasm denial.

Justme26 • Jul 13, 2020

I have told my, long distance, slave to have as many orgasms as she can, but it seems like this is not really the done thing. Reading an old article titled "my 50 rules for a female slave" I note that the slave should not even touch her own breasts without her masters prier permission. I realise, of cause, that a bit of self control can make it better when you finely get there, but there just seems to be a lot of denial in BDSM. Any idea why?

Also how are situations delt with, for example if the master is away for a week; does he E mail her permission, or is she allowed to masterbait between 5, 00 and 7, 00, on days with an S in it?

Anyone can answer, but I expect you would have done anyway.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 13, 2020

"Masterbait." Oh wow, there's an inadvertent double entendre and a keeper.

i think, as with all things BDSM (and probably beyond?) that there may be general "done things," but all of this is ultimately individually determined between the parties involved. i.e., there is no strict one size fits all template.

For some, i could see chemistry where forced orgasm constitutes denial. Some subs (waves hand) have a need/desire to have orgasm denial, and some Top/Doms have a need/desire to control anothers orgasm. Giving or denying can both be forms of control though, eh?, depending on what each needs/wants?

As to your specific question/comment: "...there just seems to be a lot of denial in BDSM. Any idea why?"

Again, i don't think there's a universal answer to this, but or me, orgasm 'denial' is about me giving control of my orgasm to a Top/Dom, for a variety of reasons. But, in my mind, it doesn't work at all if it's just a one sided need/desire. I.e., the Top/Dom has to want/need that control. my individual desire/need has layers. One is simply that my sub nature wants to give Him control over my orgasm. Another is 'denial' of orgasm can also be used to keep me sexually on edge, horny, in heat. By denying that release, it creates and maintains a need for Him that is also a form or deepening of HIs control. That can lead to a whole lot of stuff for us because i become extremely opened and pliable when i am on that edge.

J o l l y​(sub female){Nillaw} • Jul 13, 2020

In my dynamic, Daddy says I have to play 3 times a day. But if I want to cum I need permission. And I have to ask for permission right when I'm about to cum. However, he's told me no before. And if he's asleep and if I don't ask for permission to cum beforehand, then I have to edge myself.

Personally I'm still new, but Daddy started this because I was having issues being able to cum when told to. And this has helped a lot.

Keep in mind every dynamic is different though. Just do what you enjoy.

Re: Orgasm denial.

DrKrall • Jul 14, 2020

"Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law"
There are no rules written in stone regarding BDSM. If you want your sub to cum every 10 minutes, that is your decision.
There can be a lot of different reasons for orgasm denial. Like: The Master doesn't let his sub cum becaus he is an asshole, to teach the sub self discipline, because the sub should forget about his/her own needs and focus on the needs of the Master, some use it to make the orgasm stronger when it finally is allowed, or as a punishment if the slave did something wrong. There are probably more reasons I can't think of. I have used it at times just as I have used denial of food and denial of use of the bathroom. Not to stop my slave from cuming, eating or.. going to the bathroom, but to make them ask permission every time and sometimes saying no for a short time just to make them feel my power over them physicly and prove to themselves that obediance is as possible at "bad times" as it is when all I ask of them is fine and sexy.

But once again. Only you know what you want and there is no universal blueprint for BDSM.

SailorDom​(dom male) • Jul 14, 2020

If your sub is constantly orgasming on her own, then it detaches sex from a 2 person activity and turns it into a 1 person activity. She no longer has any incentive to serve you.

Inversely, the less she orgasms on her own, the more she will desire you, her master, when you two are together.

Allowing a sub to orgasm at will is a big mistake.

LordofPain56 • Jul 15, 2020

Gee....I would hope that she could wait long enough for me to come in out of the fields every night, so there'd be no need for her to dither herself unless she had to have more than once a day.
On the other hand, if I did come in and catch her doing herself, it would give me an excuse to give her a good whippin and a scolding that she shoulda waited for me.

LongerJohnny​(dom male){B&C} • Jul 15, 2020

Wow, It's already difficult to maintain a LDR of any kind, BDSM or vanilla, and as it is with any dynamic it requires complete trust and respect on both sides. But by email? If you can make that work then well done.

There are two answers to your questions:
1. There are no rules
2. There are some very, very important rules.

As has been pointed out by many people there are no guidelines, no formulas. Just as there are none for vanilla relationships. What works for the relationship is what works for the people in it, and vice versa.
But more importantly, it relies entirely on the negotiated rules of your dynamic.
So, yeah, both.

As to the predominance of "denial" in so many dynamics...
(Note: Depending on how it is negotiated this next part could apply to any power dynamic but lets just focus on M/s for now)

As a Master you are in control - or are you? For a moment set aside the 'gift of submission' conversation, that's not what this part is about. The thing is that while you can exist without each other you can't co-exist without each other. Top/bottom, Left/right, Up/down, M/s, etc.
This is important because it brings up another question. If both sides want it then is it denial in truth or merely in act? (yes, yes, yes I know it can be both but I'm trying to simplify things here.) If it is the former then the answer is "hopefully this is not true denial" (since if it is what all parties want then no one is truly being denied.) However, if it is the latter then the answer is "hopefully this is just an act" because no one wants to be truly denied control of the remote, or not to be allowed to borrow the car, or not to have a say in whether we have Chinese or Mexican for dinner, or to be forced to take out the trash during the 2-minute warning in double overtime during the superbowl. That is denial in act.
(I think maybe I failed at trying to simplify things hahaha!)

Of course in practice it will vary. I love (negotiated) denial of all sorts because:
1. As a Dom I, you know, Dominate. I decide when and how and where and whatever - or not!
2. As a Sadist I love to torture, emotionally, psychologically, physically, by withholding permission to do anything unless it pleases me. (Have you ever edged someone for hours on end? That's what I'm talking about!))
3. As a Master my slave is my property and mine to do with as I please.

And on and on. Keep in mind in every case it is clearly negotiated, and there is a lot of trust and respect and even love.

When reading your post this part caught my attention:
"... if the master is away for a week; does he E mail her permission, or is she allowed to masterbait..."
It may be just a matter of semantics but consider this perspective: some (including myself) would say that a slave is not "allowed" to do anything, unless her Master gives his explicit permission, and at his own discretion - not hers. It could be argued that as a Master you can instruct her choose for herself, but if a slave is allowed the freedom to cum and go as she pleases then what does she need her Master (you) for?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 16, 2020

There can be so many angles, layers, to the question of denial.

As a bottom/with sub, orgasm denial is a powerful desire/need for me. So on the surface, that sounds like i "want it," taking it out of the category of "true denial?" But the reality is, i also want orgasm, so there is a sort of ambivalence that factors into the equation. The dynamic of a D/s relationship, for me and my Mate would involve how those two sides play out.

my need for orgasm denial is connected too, and influenced by, HIs need to control and dominate. For me, orgasm denial is not about permanent denial of orgasm, but about giving control over when and how it happens, to the Top/Dom. i need water to live, but that doesn't mean i cannot be denied water and experience real thirst. To me the idea of orgasm denial/control is about influencing and controlling 'thirst." 'Permanent' or absolute denial would just kill the person, and then there would no longer be "thirst" to control. Measured denial, can control and amplify the thirst. The art and skill of the D/s relationship is finding the balance?

my sub bottom parts need and want both orgasm and denial (read: "control") of it. The control and denial can be real and a big part of the power of control is the sub never knowing if or when they may orgasm. If the sub is told outright "you will never have another orgasm," to me, that diminishes the dynamic. i see a difference between containing and controlling. For me, controlling is Him holding my reins, not cutting my legs off.

Bunnie • Jul 16, 2020

Denial can backfire for me, so it does need to be done with some finesse.

How can it backfire, one might wonder?
If it’s solely about orgasms and overdone.
I began denying myself randomly quite a long time before I even knew there was a community like this. Edging is something I’ve done just for fun my whole life (yes, although I disagree, I’ve been told I’m a masochist).
If it’s used as punishment... I shut down my sexuality. I orgasm in my sleep so my body is still getting that release, however, when I’m awake I simply turn into a grumpy shit... but I won’t cum. Nothing brings out my stubbornness better lol.

Having said all of that, I am one of those seemingly rare females into female chastity (belts), so if it’s done well, and with a greater sense of ownership (and mindfuckery), I absolutely love denial.

Justme26 • Jul 16, 2020

Maybe I should make my question clearer; First however I hope that this does not come across as kink shaming. I think that everyone should do everything and anything that they want (within obvious limits). I just am not sure if I fully understand it.

When I first got seriously into BDSM I did not worry too much about why the other person wanted what they wanted, just as long as we were both getting what we wanted. Then I thought I understood that submission was about hormones or theremodes (or something). Pain brings these chemicals into the body, and this gives you a better orgasm (again or something). I have also come to understand that if orgasm is denied, then it is better when you get there. However my observation is that there is a lot of denial in BDSM and, to someone like me, who still does not quite get it, this seems to defer the object.

In short, I thought that the point was to get the best orgasm posable, and maybe I was wrong.

But also I just can not see how denial is erotic. I was going to suggest that why not deny something ells, and let them have orgasms, but what? Denying someone food or the toilet is not exactly enticing and taking a favourite position away might just make them depressed.

Sorry; this is still very confused, but hope it gives a slightly clearer understanding of my question.