everyone has a joke in them let's hear your fav

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
Halloumi

I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Last night my boyfriend was complaining that I never listen to him… or something like that.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them

The rotation of Earth really makes my day

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between putty and vaseline ?

All their windows fell out ! ?

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter Pounder with cheese.

The masochist said hit me hit hit me ........please please please


and the sadist said "NO!"

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo, Mick O’Connor, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.....

Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

Well I have two ...

What are the 3 main parts of an old fashioned woodstove?

Lifter, leg, and poker.


What are the 3 main vegetables in a garden?

Lettuce, turnup, and pea.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:
Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.
Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.
What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

LMAO, i got a good laugh from that The Wild One.

As an aside, i loved the BBC Sherlock Holmes series with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. i have a crush on Benedict and loved how the series played with the notion of Holmes and Watson being gay.