How to find a new Sub

How to find a new Sub

Jlbras • Aug 8, 2020

I have recently lost my lifetime sub and fiance. I have now started looking for a new sub. Now that I have been in the life style for some years now. I really know what I want. The thing I struggle with is that its really difficult to explain to new potential subs what the life is all about. I'm vetting a potential candidate and have picked up that she is very new to the scene. She has very little experience in the Dom /sub relationship. And I feel that she has self-esteem issues that she struggles with. She has agreed to everything and we have our first meeting on Monday. How do I go about introducing her to the lifestyle? How do I deal with the low self-esteem issue as well? I've had relationships in the past where I have not been very successful in building up low self-esteem for my partner. This is mainly because I don't really care about looks. Although there has to be some physical attraction. But for me it's about the experience and the pleasure of the moment. Has anyone experience Subs with low self-esteem and how did you deal with it? And how did you introduce a new vanilla person to the lifestyle?

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Aug 8, 2020

May I say with respect if you don’t know tge answers to these fundamental questions you should not be introducing a new sub into the lifestyle!

It may well be that you yourself need to read up on being a Dom and find a mentor to teach you the ways , before any harm is done to your potential submissive!!

It’s not Tie-Flog-Fuck !!!!

Grey Eyes​(sub female){Owned} • Aug 8, 2020

Most respectfully meant....I must echo White Knight's comments.

You have "picked up" that she is new? Did you ask her? Have you asked what she is after and does it mesh with you.

I wonder why you have problems communicating to her about the lifestyle. If you have problems telling her that will you be able tell her what you expect from her? Communication is key in all relationships, especially BDSM.

Building up self esteem is not just about looks. Self esteem comes from within as well. And why wouldn't you care about looks as well? She should still take care of herself and be a "cared for" reflection of you. If you don't care....to me that reflects the relationship. She doesn't have to be a beauty queen....but she should get the feeling that you care about her physically and mentally.

And I for one, would not want a Dom who cared only for the pleasure of the moment. That is just my opinion.

Vespertine • Aug 8, 2020

As a somewhat new sub myself I have to say I wholeheartedly agree with White Knight on this one! I had cripplingly low self esteem when I met my Dom and had He not had the experience and empathy to guide me into the lifestyle responsibly, things could have been... messy. Your potential submissive deserves to be in safe hands. This is no game.

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Aug 8, 2020

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
I hope that you have healed.

A person who has low self esteem shouldn't even be involved with bdsm.

Bdsm is an emotional journey.
A submissive has to know who she is and why.
There has to be an emotional strength of self, basically.
Otherwise you will find yourself navigating a mine field.

Please step carefully and slowly.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Aug 9, 2020

Your meeting on Monday is just that .... a meeting.

- Wash
- Smell nice
- Dress smart
- Take flowers
- Be a gentleman
- All thoughts of D/s are out of your mind.

Show her the man you are and show interest in the woman she is.
Look her in the eyes when you talk to her, smile and be kind.
If she asks questions (any questions) .... answer truthfully.

Set the foundations for something solid and sustainable.
If the pair of you don’t ‘jell’ be honest and tell her.

Do not attempt any sort of play until SHE says she is ready to move on.

We D-types require patience and empathy.

She is going to be your queen so treat her with the respect she deserves.

You may just be lucky enough to help her learn to fly ..... let her know, by your deeds, that she has a safe place to land.

I hope this helps and safe journey to you both.

FC

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Aug 9, 2020

PS
Clean your teeth too. 😁

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2020

I agree with many of the comments. Please ne careful with her. There are so many reasons one may have low self esteem or confidence and entering into a D/s dynamic can be harmful if one does not know what they want and why they want it. If it was me I would likely not entertain the idea of moving forward without better understanding why and learning what ahe would need from me as a possible partner, D/s or Vanilla to feel safe and respected.

I think if i had genuine interest in her as a woman, then I would want to spend time getting to know her before moving into D/s.

You have to give her time to develop trust with you and the way you have described her makes me feel like she could express willingness because she thinks she has to in order to get you to accept her instead of her having specific standards or expectations about you.

I do realize it is hard to describe situations and people properly within a few paragraphs so its possible i am misreading your comments or the situation.