New and needing advice!

New and needing advice!

canadianbdsm • Jan 26, 2018

Hello. Me and my girlfriend are new to this lifestyle. We have looked all over online and still need more information if anyone is willing. We aren't sure where to start in terms of contract/agreements. We have talked it out verbally and have come to agreements but we don't want to rush into it either. If anyone can reply with information that would be great!

LadyLeo92​(switch female) • Jan 26, 2018

I think it's great that you two are going in this together plus you already have a relationship which means you two already trust each other which is very important. Contract are only needed if you truly feel that they are necessary it's not exactly a must, but most importantly communication is key as long as you discuss do's/don'ts a safe word or actions that mean stop, you are going to far, lighten up. You can start exploration wherever you see fit as long as things are agreed upon everyone's journey is their own no one can tell you what perfect start is to this you can take baby steps if need be definitely no need to rush.

SemperDominus​(dom male) • Jan 27, 2018

You had my attention when you expressed the topic of a contract. lol. I might be able to help with this, as it tends to be a matter regarding which I have some background (in multiple capacities).

Firstly, my question would be regarding what sort of dynamic you have in mind in mind with her. As you mention being new to this, I presume you are not attempting to jump into any of the more 'extreme' scenarios. I suggest progressing gradually.

Regarding the dynamic, and the contract, are you seeking to establish that both parties have consented to the activities (not a bad idea), are are you seeking more of a D/s power exchange of some sort, where the contract would be effectively to establish some aspect of power/control, or another use might be to where you have plans of bondage or punishment or something of that sort, and the contract would be to establish the agreed-upon activities and limits, and to establish both parties giving their consent.

There are many examples, but I wanted to present it simply -- from the dynamic you have (in mind) with her, this point will itself determine much of the contract.

When you determine what it is you seek to establish in the contract with her, that would be the first key point.
After you know what is involved, and why you seek to have a contract, that will help to frame the specifics of what you are seeking in terms of a contract.

Keep in mind, if you are seeking merely to establish the agreed upon basics, there isn't really a need to seek a pre-made sort of agreement; but rather, you could write your own, as it would need to be modified to your specific dynamic anyway.

Something as simple as stating that "...both parties agree, and freely give their consent to the following sexual acts and mutually-agreed upon related activities, to include: [...]." That would be likely sufficient to at least make the details clear to each other, and in case of any later issues, both parties would have clear evidence of what was agreed.

Many people will suggest that a BDSM contract isn't necessary, or isn't legally enforceable. This is both correct and incorrect, and I'll address this momentarily as it's important to proceed in the early stages with the conscious understanding as to avoid a few potentially catastrophic situations.

Firstly, considering the frequency in which there are cases nowadays of a couple where one person down the road might suddenly claim something wrongful happened. Because of this, I personally tend to be among those who favor for people to establish at least some sort of *clear* evidence of sexual consent (in addition to the BDSM matters); be it a contract, one of the consent Apps, or even recording a voice note/video of both people -- separately stating -- that the freely give their consent to sexual activities.

Even in a very long-term relationship that pre-dates any BDSM interest, this can be critical. (I can tell you that among the professional world, public figures, etc, this sort of agreement are becoming extremely common). In this case, it might save one/both of the parties a lot of headaches where a later dispute surfaces; and otherwise, it at least keeps things clear between both parties about what to expect, etc, which is extremely important in a BDSM dynamic. (Remember, it is essential that there is consent, trust, and that it remains enjoyable, within the agreed-upon matters. This is key in BDSM).

Secondly, beyond the initial issue of sexual consent, especially considering the nature of activities within any BDSM dynamic, it makes extremely clear the limits of what both of you agreed to, and understood was to happen-- that way, there isn't a situation where one party is bothered by something that they didn't agree to, but that the other person assumed was understood. Being extremely blunt and specific (while perhaps might seem odd), it results in a clarity that (even if never used beyond the two parties) makes everything clear, as to establish and promote a more trusting and comfortable scenario and enjoyable scene of BDSM play.

I am a big fan of contracts, as there are countless benefits to simply having clarity, and then having that freedom of knowing exactly the limits, and with both people proceeding with that full understanding being totally understood.

(*I mentioned as to the legal enforcement of contracts; I will presume your contract isn't involving any M/s or ownership dynamic, as that would be (in most cases) nearly impossible to enforce. However, in other related situations (pre-nups, certain TPE matters, etc), there actually can be a surprising amount that is actually enforceable, if carefully drafted and carefully within the law; however, I'll leave that topic for another day.)

A final note, depending on what sort of contract you are seeking, if you are wanting a pre-made contract, I believe there are some available online; although, it might take a bit of research, and searching the specific type of contract, etc. If you'd like, respond with details of what sort of agreement you are seeking to have between you, and what sort of dynamic is involved, and I might be able to point you in the right direction to look, or as to ideas.

Good luck on your journey, be safe, and have fun.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Jan 27, 2018

Well, do you want to have a contract, and feel the need for it?

I know a lot of fantasy books have them, but they are actually a lot more rare in IRL BDSM. :} So don't feel like you HAVE to have one!

What books have you read?

Is there a community in your area that you can connect with and learn from? Munches, classes, mentoring program?

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Mar 16, 2018

Depends no the country you live in, a contract could have a legal effect if one of the party have a serious problem.
You already are a couple with few conversations and agreements.
One way to do it, it’s fun, so just start with the obvious and simple lists of do and don’t, how the sub should address you etc. You could find them online. Keep it simple then progress or add more if you feel the need to.
I like them myself as it add some edge to the dynamics, some sort of serious formality, but rarely need to come back to it, unless something new coming up.

Asteria​(neither female) • Mar 16, 2018

@ FabSeverus

"Depends no the country you live in, a contract could have a legal effect if one of the party have a serious problem. "

I would be very careful with such statement. Very.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Mar 16, 2018

Asteria not sure what you mean?

Asteria​(neither female) • Mar 16, 2018

It's not exactly safe to say that these agreements / contracts are legally binding and can constitute any evidence in the event of legal proceedings.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Mar 16, 2018

Let’s not divert the original post should we.

Dumbledore​(dom male) • Mar 16, 2018

I don't think that's a diversion actually. Everyone - not just the original poster - should realize that having a contract in a BDSM relationship from a legal point of view means exactly zero in most circumstances.

Contracts are fun, can be important in a BDSM relationship between the parties involved, but should not give you false security about the activities you engage in as far as the law or world outside your relationship is concerned.