So Many Questions!

So Many Questions!

LittleMissBG​(sub female) • Feb 4, 2018

I'm a new sub. My Dom and I have been in a long distance relationship for over 7 years. We are both married to other people. My Dom was trained about 20 years ago. He chose to repress his needs for 17 years. Until 6 weeks ago, I never knew this. His needs were brought up when approached by a sub looking for a Dom. I have suspected he was a Dom for many years. I had asked him if he was ever interested in D/s relationship. He had always declined.

I had already accepted his mannerisms and behaviors years ago. I have had a lot of "ah-ha" moments lately. When he told me his needs, I immediately agreed to a D/s relationship. I did not know I was a natural sub, but he did from the beginning.

Now that we have begun this new chapter, we are closer than ever. But I am having some trouble adjusting to a few things. I experienced my first sub-drop driving home recently; I don't understand the severity of my punishment; I am not sure how to talk about my after-care needs; and how to navigate long distance needs. We have talked about things before conducting any scenes. Now that we have conducted a few scenes, I have learned a lot about my needs as a sub. Due to unforseeable circumstances, we haven't been able to talk about the last scene and after-care was minimal. The emotions and questions I have weigh heavily upon me. It will be almost a week before we will be able to discuss this.

I need this as much as he does. I am looking for help in how the talk with him and to be a better sub. We have agreed that portions of our previous relationship will still exist so we still have very open lines of communication. However, I'm not sure how to approach the subjects without him deciding this was a bad idea. He could simply choose to repress as he has before.

Jashine • Feb 7, 2018

It sounds like he's getting exactly what he wants from his various relationships, and leaving you short-changed. For example, aftercare takes place in the moment, and yet you explain away the lack by saying it didn't happen 'due to unforseeable circumstances': did he have to leave suddenly? If he has chosen to 'repress' before, I take it that discussion with him is limited and strained. Personally, I would walk away from this.

shahh • Feb 8, 2018

I agree with Jashine and I would walk away. In no way should he not be accessible for a week!!! Yes, it is your responsibilty to express your needs, but it feels lile you have not been given a true space to do that in.

Re: So Many Questions!

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 9, 2018

I am by no means judging just trying to help.
but going to take a stab in the dark here....so taking this stab, he is not available for a week due to his marriage? I'll take a further stab that his wife is non consenting to your existence and not all parties are consensual or maybe even knowledgeable (maybe even on both sides?). If this is the case, your needs are going to always be secondary to his primary partner unless there is full transparency. Only you can then decide, if this pattern continues because the pattern will continue and nothing will change.

If I do have this situation wrong maybe some pre planning and comparing schedules prior to play could avoid YOU being alone with subdrop. You are obviously going to need more support than you prior thought, so playing when he cant be present afterwards would need to stop. Of course there will times when you cant control schedules but for the most with some thinking by the big heads you should be able to avoid major crashes without care from the man that should be caring for your needs and not just his own.

Muffin • Feb 10, 2018

Take my opinion with a grain of salt, I am coming from a monogamous perspective.

From what I've learned about multiple partner relationships there is an unhealthy and possibly damaging barrier created when not all individuals are aware of what's going on. If that is in fact the case here I would strongly recommend that you on your own do some hard thinking about the way he has said things and about your needs and about your spouse's needs and wants and use those as your guide.

Based on what you described though. Get out.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Feb 10, 2018

it is a bad situation, and my first question is: what have you talked about for 7 years?
you should know each other enough to talk about anything.
Now you reach the stage of a D/S rl, its always wise and even compulsory to talk about anything related to a session. A real Dom would always ask about the after care, as we know it could be as more damaging than the physical aspect related to the session- I am talking about hard caning, needle play etc.
So for him to leave you alone after that, it might be just he doesnt know about it. You should get him a book, and you should never be scared to talk about anything with your Dom. If you can talk face to face about it, write him a letter. Communication is the key.
1. trust
2.respect
3.care