Is it ok to be married and have a D/s relationship?

Is it ok to be married and have a D/s relationship?

DjDom • Sep 21, 2020

Haven’t yet seen this topic broached here; and, would appear to be an appropriate discussion point for many of us.

Honestly asking the aforementioned question, as I’ve personally experienced it from several angles. And in the interest of full transparency and openness, I am married. So, without further ado, I ask:

Is it possible to be a Dom or sub and be married? Can you and your spouse support an additional relationship? Is there mutual trust and support given for the type of emotional and physical interaction that needs to occur in order for this dynamic to work? If only 1 is a participant, can the jealousy, fears and drama be set aside? What if both have outside roles, even opposing roles?

I realize that many people can become jealous, territorial or envious, etc of an outside relationship. And some Doms and/or subs don’t necessarily like to share. There are probably more who wish to turn their relationship into a love thing. And for them, I’d say go for it. However, there is another side...

As a married Dom, with a wife who’s a submissive, I can tell you the D/s relationship aspect isn’t a threat or an issue in our marriage. The most intense and deepest reaching aspects of these roles typically can’t exist in a healthy marriage. Not saying impossible, but very difficult. There’s a point to where I don’t want to Dom my wife, that she’s not a just a submissive. We are equals, we wish to show our daughters what a healthy marriage looks like and how a real man treats a woman. Behind closed doors, or in appropriate settings however, we can and do enjoy multiple things within the bdsm niche. We fully support the other, know that for our true selves to explore our roles, we need the freedom to be and the trust of the other to explore and grow.

So, I ask you all who bypass us married participants, question the loyalty or perceived divided attention that you feel is unable to be overcome, or feel we cannot give you the full 💯 you think you’d be missing: Are you sure about that? Have you been burned before? Would it help if you knew you weren’t a threat or threatened? That it’s not a cheating game or a side piece proposition?

My answer to the question is yes. Yes, I believe it’s possible, but takes complete honesty, thorough communication and trust; and, an understanding of what exactly is happening in the other relationships. While not for everyone, and respect to those who can’t or won’t go there, I would posit that the ultimate marriage is one where spouses can fully be themselves without fear or judgment.

MariGold • Sep 21, 2020

I do think it is totally possible and as you said, honesty is key which is the problem with many of the married Doms on here. They think it’s so brave of them to disclose their marital status, but the wife is usually vanilla and has no idea.

Personally I would not want to get involved in that. If it is an open or poly setting like you are describing I wouldn’t rule it out and I think anything is possible!

Bunnie • Sep 21, 2020

In the possibility of it being a situation of consensual agreement between all parties, I would definitely be open to it... however, not with you. I don’t mean this to sound harsh and I’m not saying it to be mean. Something that stood out to me is this...

“There’s a point to where I don’t want to Dom my wife, that she’s not a just a submissive. We are equals, we wish to show our daughters what a healthy marriage looks like and how a real man treats a woman.”

This is where my mindset tends to differ from many that I know... I do not see it as a “role” that is stepped in and out of. I also don’t see it as abusive. Abuse and BDSM are not the same thing. I see BDSM as a healthy expression of my love, and my “partner’s” love for me, however, it seems you do not. It seems from this paragraph that there’s a part of you that still sees it as shameful, bad and unhealthy... especially the line “how a real man treats a woman.” Ouch. A 24/7 D/s relationship can be a very healthy representation of a relationship... it’s not all whips and chains... it’s just that it’s not “traditional” in the sense of how society tells us is the “right way to relationship” these days.

DjDom • Sep 21, 2020

Bunnie, I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I don’t see been as a healthy lifestyle. I really do. While there are parts of it that are universal in nature and not the sexual aspect, I do see a place where my mindset would be different. My approach isn’t the same. I do respect your viewpoint and understand where you’re coming from.

That said, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. Not every marriage is right for D/s, not everyone wants to carry that on. In my marriage, it would change the entire dynamic of what we have.

Please know that I’m fully supportive of the entire community.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 21, 2020

I'm going to play devils advocate with the equals comment. Because, frankly, I always found it to be bullshit to be honest.

You are not "equals". You are not "the same". You are two very different people with different wants, needs and desires.

A relationship, whatever the dynamic, comes to time and effort. And looking after wants and needs. People have concerns. But most of the time the concerns are, frankly, irrational fears. It's the "fear itself" that does you in.


This is simply not true at all. You're telling yourself it's difficult and that's the reason it's difficult. But it's VERY possible. If you stop being pessimistic about it. You're making it difficult yourself if you worry needlessly (likewise others can make things more difficult then they need to be by that very same logic)


They can. But do you ask those people "why"? Some people can admit they're being irrational. The presence of another person does not have to subtract from present company. The "fear" of a current relationship being threatened can be very irrational. Or that fear could have good reason to be present.

D/s relationships can exist in a 24/7 dynamic in an existing relationship quite easily. Like Bunnie said it's not all whips and chains. It simply means "Always your sub" (or slave or pet or what have you). That doesn't mean having to give them an order every 5 seconds. It just means they're going with your "flow" and letting you have "full control". Instead of worrying unnecessarily consider how such events can be positive instead of negative.

Now, as for people getting involved in a current relationship, this has LESS to do with D/s and MORE to do with how careless someone is when it comes to time and effort. If things fall into place of their own accord in that area, great. If however it is lacking then it's time to communicate. If someone dodges those topics or becomes distant without communication then chances are their own fear is doing them in (or yours if it's you).

I'm used to talking about jealousy. But it's not that difficult to have more people around. Unless of course they don't invest that time and effort. It can be MORE difficult to be with ONE stubborn person then it is to be with two open minded people that go out of their way to make you happy.

Bunnie • Sep 21, 2020

@ DjDom,

I understand, thank you for your clarification
I think in the context of having needs met... for example, if you recognise that there is a part of you that wants to explore your Sadism, however it’s not something you would feel comfortable inflicting on the woman who gave you your children, type stuff, that is quite understandable. I have heard many talk about the fear of shifting the dynamic they already have established. Even in the context of wanting a wanton slut in the bedroom. It is definitely a more difficult journey from what I’ve observed, trying to bring a marriage into alignment with the D/s lifestyle. In all honesty, I tend to agree with you in believing that it can’t be fully achieved.
Anyway, wow I’m rambly today... I can see why you would desire to bring in another. Why would people be wary? Mostly because married people being here lying behind their spouses back is now the most common theme on this site. People get hurt. Not just the spouse... everyone. As I said above though, if it’s consensual between all parties, I agree with both yourself (“I believe it’s possible, but takes complete honesty, thorough communication and trust; and, an understanding of what exactly is happening in the other relationships.”) and Taramafor... in regards to time and effort.

DjDom • Sep 21, 2020

Tara, thank you for your viewpoints. All well made. Can’t say that I disagree with you per se. ironically, I really wanted to post about married people who struggle to find their own sub or Dom because they’re married. I’ve been turned down or worse many many times because I’m married and that poly-esque like additional relationship throws people, mainly women, off.

Really, when it’s made known that both my wife and I are both in or trying to be in D/s relationships and we fully support the other’s interests, it comes across as anything but upfront. I really want women especially to know that guys like me aren’t cheaters, our wives—mine especially—are fully supportive to this and have even tried to help us find a good submissive.

WyteTiger​(dom gender fluid){JuicyJess} • Sep 21, 2020

I believe any type of relationship is possible, if the people involved have honest and open communication, hide nothing, and fit well into the relationship, and everyones individual needs are being met, which is probably the most difficult part in an open relationship like you are describing, because 2 peoples needs are not always going to line up, to that end, it wouldnt only need to be you having a good relationship but the 2 subs as well, and frequent 3 way discussions approaching any difficulties that may arise, its possible, but will take alot of work

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Sep 21, 2020

It's a recipe for eventual disaster.
Someone somewhere will get hurt on some level.
Emotionally it's akin to navigating a mine field.
And only a matter of time until someone steps onto the wrong spot.
This in the long run, will not end nicely.
It has danger keep out stamped all over it.

Bunnie • Sep 22, 2020

This is such a refreshing discussion
The first local community I joined, the Domme who ran the group had her own subs, and her husband, a Dominant, too had his own subs. They had formed their own agreement that worked beautifully for their marriage. In fact there was a few in our group with similar circumstances. My first Rigger was engaged to his kajira/kitten, however, they couldn’t do rope together because she too was a Rope Top... lol... even tying me they would argue if she came into the room! This has brought back some very fond memories, thank you. I think it’s through discussion like this that people can learn how these dynamics can be achieved in a healthy, functional and respectful way. Thank you @ DjDom.