(Lifestyle) Does Your BDSM Define You?

(Lifestyle) Does Your BDSM Define You?

somethingclever​(sub female){Searching} • Sep 23, 2020

You know how when someone experiences a trauma, they say it doesn’t define them? I get that- it’s an occurrence and though it can be impactful, it’s not necessarily defining.

What about lifestyle BDSM? I feel like my submission defines me, but that my kinks and fetishes do not define me.

Thoughts and debates are encouraged

slavebilly​(sub male) • Sep 23, 2020

I suppose its different for each person. How do you define BDSM? There are thousands of variations. If it is purely a kink definition then I suppose the kink would define them. If it about submission, which it is for me, then most likely your submission defines you. That's how I am. I am a sub 1st. Everything in my life is viewed with submission in mind. It is my nature. It is who I am, not what I choose to be.

somethingclever​(sub female){Searching} • Sep 23, 2020

Thank you! I relate to how you described yourself (although I’m dominant in my daily roles, so it’s a bit of a mind fuck). The question came up as I formulate my tinder bio— I feel like writing that I am a submissive is important because it’s in my nature, just as gentleness and empathy are. On the other hand, I wouldn’t write that I have ADHD because, like kinks or fetishes, I feel like it’s not the essence of who I am rather something that just comes along with the “me package.”

WyteTiger​(dom gender fluid){JuicyJess} • Sep 23, 2020

I guess the real question to decide this for each individual is; do you let or want it to define you, you dont have to, if you want or let it translate to who you are as a person, it does, if you keep it to scenes, or 1 individual, then it more describes the moment or relationship, plenty of subs are very dominant people day to day

exploringsubmissive​(sub female) • Sep 23, 2020

I feel like it at least partially defines me in my romantic relationships. The rest of the time I am not very submissive. I enjoy letting my submissive side out when I am alone, or with a romantic partner.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 24, 2020

Going to answer the topic word for word and the words of the topic ALONE.

The answer is I define BDSM. Me, as a person, enjoy what I do, control what I do, allow myself to be controlled as I do for NONE BDSM reasons.

It just so happens I can put that into BDSM itself.

It doesn't define ME. I make BDSM my BITCH! Then I let someone make me their bitch. Circle of life. Ha.


EVERYTHING we do defines us. It's a mistake to think otherwise. People often avoid/evade a situation after a bad past experience (and this contradicts that very statement).

I've had to FACE that. Learn to ENJOY what once traumatised me. I consider myself a better person for it. Had to really get over using handguns in games after a suicide. Among other things. Now I'm here going "Slap me with a gun in a roleplay" and enjoy it. Different situations. Different context. ONLY when people have that in mind do they stop letting trauma hold them back (and since that trauma is often WHY they can do that, it defines them doesn't it?)

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Sep 26, 2020

BDSM is one facet of my life, among many others. It doesn't define me. If anything, my professional life is what defines me, and that's how I will be remembered by people who know me, once I am gone.

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Sep 26, 2020

Starting out fresh, this has crossed my mind a lot over the past couple of days. I for one, couldn't allow myself to be defined by my part in BDSM. It is NOT all that I am. I have far too many other "roles" I live day by day, which in turn.. Will dictate the way I move about this LS. But, this is just for myself. Everyone is different!! Thankfully!! ☮

~Kore ☪

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 28, 2020

No one said it was. The scene from Kung Fu Panda 3 comes to mind (heading somewhere with this). He ends up saying something like "I'm not just an X. I'm not just a Y. I'm ALL of them COMBINED." Meaning he is who he is because of EVERY part that applied with him. He was saying he's "whole". Because of every single aspect merged together. Not just one of them alone. Yet each and every one is still exactly that. One. It ALL has to be merged to "complete" him. Because that's what you are. Someone that's experienced each and every one of those events. With each event leading to another, without even realising it until reflected upon.

For the sake of argument let's nutshell this. BDSM at it's heart is about control first and foremost. Because if it wasn't a looooot of harm/damage would happen otherwise (plus we make fun quicker when we give it direction). Does "control" define you as a person? The presence and lack of it. If BDSM helps with said control (along with making fun happen in other events through practice/habit) then that only serves to benefit you as a person.

You might not MEAN for it to be a PART of what defines you, but it's still happening. Both for better and for worse. If that "BDSM practice" was lacking then it's possible you could lack the confidence to make other things happen. Due to lack of exposure from experiencing events regarding control (or/and fun. But making fun happen comes with control). The only way to really know for certain is to have not had those BDSM elements present in the first place to see the results. But we don't have a time machine. So we can only speculate on what could have/could not have happened. Still, experience with control boosts confidence. That's easy enough to work with. And this in turn means making other things happen. Getting quicker positive results with less negatives simply out of habit. In everything else that you do as well. Confidence in one area will carry over to other areas. As will negativity if you don't make the choice to counter that.

Some "part time" doms could develop control freak issues as one example. But if they saw more of the other person instead of going "It's only one part" maybe that would be circumvented? Just some food for thought. What if you see others as "Only one part" when playing with them yourself?

NoClvrNickname​(sub female) • Sep 28, 2020

In the context of my relationship, it absolutely defines me. Beyond that...ehhhhh not so much, as I’m not generally a submissive person “in real life.” The overwhelming majority of people who know me have no idea about that aspect of me/my life.