When an Alpha no longer fits the role

When an Alpha no longer fits the role

UnleashedUntamed • Oct 6, 2020

I am an Alpha female in life but, depending on the partner, can be Domme or submissive in the Lifestyle. When I find the compatible Alpha Male Dom, things are fantastic but what do you do when they somehow ‘lose’ their Alpha-ness. My current partner says he’s just not in the right mindset to not only play but to have sex at all. I almost feel that when he finally re-finds to right mindset, I am not going to be able to see him as Alpha any longer. And it’s not just lifestyle/sexual related, he’s dropped just about any Alpha traits he once had and we’ve been together nearly three years. Thoughts?

The Thinker​(sadist male)​{NotLooking} • Oct 6, 2020

"I am an Alpha female in life but, depending on the partner, can be Domme or submissive in the Lifestyle. When I find the compatible Alpha Male Dom, things are fantastic but what do you do when they somehow ‘lose’ their Alpha-ness. My current partner says he’s just not in the right mindset to not only play but to have sex at all. I almost feel that when he finally re-finds to right mindset, I am not going to be able to see him as Alpha any longer. And it’s not just lifestyle/sexual related, he’s dropped just about any Alpha traits he once had and we’ve been together nearly three years. Thoughts?"

Its quite simple. Stay if you love him, move on otherwise.

kajirasubm​{On Hiatus } • Oct 6, 2020

Perhaps it's the stress of this year and everything is cascading from this.
Could be depression.
Something is undermining him.
There is an explanation for this.
He didn't loose his Alpha - ness..
Something else is weighing very heavily on his mind to the point of a personality change which you speak of.

Talk with him.
Is it physical or emotional?

Bunnie • Oct 6, 2020

Sometimes if there’s “too many chefs in the kitchen,” someone steps down to keep the peace. Could your “alpha-ness” be something that is lurking in your relationship without you realising?

@kajirasubm

UnleashedUntamed • Oct 7, 2020

We were friends for 25 years before being involved in the lifestyle together. We have talked about it possibly being depression however he doesn’t want to see anyone about it. It is hard to know what to do when a normally Alpha male becomes a petulant child. I am at a loss, and while I love him and try to be supportive, I feel like I can’t help him. While not having needs met is a struggle, I feel impotent knowing I can only watch him crumble.

As for too many ‘cooks in the kitchen’...He is one person I could fully submit to and didn’t try switch or bottom from the top. We went together quite well and things just fell apart. Most Lifestyle things stopped maybe a year ago and sex all together stopped two months ago. I have only had to take back an Alpha role in our mundane life recently because nothing was getting done. Full stop. I do hold out hope for the future but just a little beside myself.

kajirasubm​{On Hiatus } • Oct 7, 2020

This is truly very sad for you.
It's also painfully frustrating.
Here's someone whom you love.
It's out of love that you have such concern.
He has to be motivated to help himself...and he's not at that point yet.
I absolutely empathize with you.
You don't want to see him hit rock bottom.

If this has never happened before...

Then I would think it's either the absolute stress that the events of this year has caused worldwide.
Has his livelihood been affected?
Financial stress?
Or
Is it something physical?
Does he feel ill?

What are his sleeping habits?
Has it changed?
Eating habits? Diet?
Weight loss or gain?

Is he suffering from impotence?

It could be hormones, depression, stress,
Any and all of the above.

Perhaps you can convince him to go for a check up. Get bloods, ekg, and step from there.

This way he won't feel the pressure of psychiatrist.

It might very well be something very simple that can be adjusted with diet or meds.

MissBonnie​(dom female)​{oz} • Oct 7, 2020

It might to pay to look at his health as well as his mental health. When was his last complete checkup? Libido loss doesn't usually happen suddenly, it's not like catching a cold where you wake up one morning and whoops, there it is. It can be a gradual process if its a health issue. Things like High cholesterol, blood pressure, even diabetes all effect libido. When these are at the center, he might not even feel "sick" as its easy to grow used to the symptoms, the symptoms then just become normal. low testosterone can also cause this. What about sleep patterns is he sleeping normally? or on any medications that could be out of whack?

Most men can have a healthy sex drive again after the problem is found and most of the time it is not as dire as they believe. If you love him, hang in there, remind him he doesn't need to go through it alone. While he might not want to start with his mental health, a medical health check might be an easier step...just to rule things out and give you both a starting point... A simple blood test could answer so much and maybe even have the potential to give you BOTH back your life.

MissBonnie​(dom female)​{oz} • Oct 7, 2020

@ kajirasubm, I must of been typing when you posted. Seems we are thinking the same

Defender​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2020

So it isn't just his libido then, but his whole life.

If so, something is badly wrong.

It may be a struggle for you to find out what it is.

Maybe he just cannot tell you, or even know himself.

If you can get him to a counsellor, on his own, he may just open up.

I was married to a counsellor.

Some men she couldn't help.

Other men however, ended up bringing her flowers and chocolates - simply for being able to unlock and sort the problem they didn't fully realise they had, or hadn't been able to speak about.


Please don't abandon him.

Sometimes even the "strongest" of men need help.


(PS. Not sure if counsellor has the same meaning in the US as in the UK. Also called a psychotherapist)