Teaching a non-BDSM guy how to be Dom

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Mar 14, 2020

Idk what info you gave but
Thats called being a Service top

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Mar 14, 2020

My husband wasn't a Dom by nature when we first met. He had a very dominating mother and two very strong willed and oppressive sisters, so he was quite regressed and detached. He also deeply craves being nurtured and coddled, as he wasn't much growing up. That being said, I brought to his attention my desire to be dominated and he said he would try. We've communicated, made attempts, given up only to try again, and over the years we've made a lot of progress. The one thing that I have found helps the most is channeling baser male instincts (domination and protection) and starting them with ,"I."

"I would like you to grab my hair in your fist and yank my head back, please."
"I would like to lay on my stomach and for you to bite my back. Please leave a few marks."
"I want to feel owned by you. Please cum on my face."
"I need you to spank me, please."
"We're about to go into a crowded area. I feel uncomfortable. Please keep a hand on the small of my back or on the back of my neck."
"I feel very regressed and young today. Please be patient with me."

When I communicate with him, his fear of dropping the ball, failing me, or embarrassing himself goes away. He has a clear understanding of what I need. When he fulfills my needs, it sparks something inside of him. I'll see a flash of excitement in his eyes and before long his walls come down and he's taking over naturally. As time has passed, he's grown to recognize when I'm in need of something out of habit. Overwhelmed and emotionally spiraling? Spankings or bites. Public event or meeting with an intimidating person? Hand on my neck or back. Walk out of the bathroom with braided pigtails or wearing a cutesy outfit? Cuddles and tickles.

I'm not "making" him a Dom. We're just communicating and trying out new things. But if I existed in a belief that people are who they are forever, I never would have attempted to approach the subject, and if I considered dominance a personality trait, I wouldn't have wasted my time talking about my needs. Not all Dom's were born that way and not all Dom's are mind readers.

-Jo

rabrabbit​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2020

Aww, Jolene thanks for that. I can totally relate and it's some good tips right there. Communicating clear expectations or wants is harder than it should be, but I agree it is essential for a healthy relationship - of any kind, whatever this turns into!

SirYesSir​(dom male) • Oct 11, 2020

I look at myself as someone who has always been a Dom ... even when I had little to no idea what the term was intended to convey. I think of myself as (to name just a few traits) highly self- disciplined (to the point where people sometimes made ( mostly good -natured) fun of me for being so strict on my habits & expectations. I feel I am very organized (I have a "system" for everything ... lol) and preferred to take control in the bedroom but lived strictly in the vanilla world. I was routinely made fun of for spending so much energy making sure everything ... was ... just .... so. a few years ago, I ran into a woman who was classically submissive... Once we got to know each other, everything was yes, sir, no, sir, compliant to every suggestion, agreeable to anything i suggested. With a willing subject, I became more assertive, more aggressive, more demanding... & the more I behaved this way, the more enthusiastically she obeyed. It eventually developed into a more explicit D/s... & I collared her. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't work out for a number of reasons but looking back, at first she sort of guided me to give her what she wanted /needed... but after a while I took over & it worked quite well over the space of several years.

Today I am quite open & explicit about what I seek & what I expect. Does that make me less, or more, of a Dom? I guess it depends on your point of view... I am happy with it. My current /sub is quite happy with it... Beyond that, what does it matter...?

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 11, 2020

"The term Dom is now so watered down (as is sub) that I no longer look at them the same way. It will not be long and anyone who who slaps someone's hand will be considered in BDSM."

Very, very well said.