Basic Question on how to be a better DOM

Basic Question on how to be a better DOM

BaluRoux • Nov 6, 2020

Hello All,

I`m very new to the BDSM world, like not more than a week old, I can see people searching for Experienced DOMS but is getting a bit hard to find Material on how actually become a better DOM and Care Giver, I personally believe that to be a DOM you need to learn a lot, is psychology, intuition, logic, and good communication between others, I`m just extra worry about messing up someone, that`s why I believe good communication is the best way to start, but how else or where else I can find more "training" Material, something more than just tips, to be able to become my expectations, because if my future partner opens her life to me, I want to be able to take care of that person in a proper way.

I have been very Dominant at my job, but not much on my sex life, wish I really want to explore more.

I`m sorry that my question here is not in the right place of the Forum or sounds dumb for someone, but I'd rather be ignorant than an asshole to my future partner.

Thank You in Advance for any feedback.

Redfoxmask​(dom male) • Nov 6, 2020

well not sure if this will help but look up:
The Dominants Den 30 days of Dominant training on littlepennyberry.com it might help its a really good resource for Doms and dealing with CG/L and D/s relationships. also check out the magazine section on here as well. I am sure there are other resources but these are a couple I can give right off top of my head. hope it can help.

BaluRoux • Nov 6, 2020

Thanks @redfoxmaskNotlook ! I will search for it.

MrFulmen • Nov 6, 2020

Since you're wanting to start from understanding the psychology of the role, and since you give high priority to communication, I think my book "The Heart of Dominance" would be a good fit for you.

Some other great resources for beginning to practice dominance are "The New Topping Book" by Easton & Hardy, and "Sensuous Magic" by Pat Califia.

And, y'know, your desire to learn and your commitment to taking good care of your partner mean that you're starting out on the right foot already.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 7, 2020

FINALLY. Someone that is actually able to say it. You sir have more of a brain then many doms pretending they know what they're doing when they don't. Can I just say how much it means to me that you value the "inner workings on the mind" which proves you value the well being of the people you interact with? Seriously, more people need to deal with the "psychology" more instead of carelessly putting themselves in dangerous situations (unknowingly. Accepted danger is fine of course).

Sp, basically, do more, worry less. Have more sex. Like, I'm serious. You need proof. They need proof. Only through actions does proof get found. So, be direct. Make things happen. Say what you want, give direction. Now doing it flirty? Intimately? That's the trick. But worry about "doing" first and "how" when you're in the moment. Think things through beforehand of course but at some point you just got to knuckle down and make things happen. At this point it's a matter of how the other person adapts with you. Can they do it? Can they "play"? Are they caught "off guard"? How strong/weak/capable are they when there's "plot twists" and "sudden changes"? Personally I love adapting. Provided my needs get met of course. Every time I adapt to a situation it's a reminder of how capable I am. How I've improved others by turning their worlds upside down. Which is a very good thing when someone is suicidal and I talk them out of it. I need that skill and talent for the well being of others and myself alike.

Beyond that I guess it's a matter of not hesitating and stalling when it comes to looking after them. It's not all punishment and reward. Simply provide the incentive for reciprocation. If they can't it doesn't mean they don't want too. They just might be struggling with initiative. I had a talk with another sub yesterday. We talked about initiative. I said it to them straight. If THEY don't take initiative then what reason do I have too? BOTH the dom AND the sub have to do things of their own accord. And both "let things happen" (or not). In reality it's not about dom and sub, nor is it about "equal". Because we're all different. What it's about is changes happening in an experience. The direction you give to an event. And wherever you let that happen or give a "new direction". If you lead and guide a sub into taking action with you, you might get to be a little lazier to an extent. Implications like a dom female lying on their side naked next to a sub male can lead to that sub taking the initiative with "Sideways fucking. And even when doing that you can "flirt". With the sex being casual. This is just one example. Keep in mind context is missing.

Too many subs think they can get away with being lazy doormats. But that just screams inactivity. So look out for that. You can encourage them to take action more by talking about initiative, attention appreciation, etc. I quite like the phrase "You get what you give." Meaning if you want something from me you better give me a reason. Action for action. Attention for attention. My fun for your fun. And that logic works both ways. I find those that "just give" are more capable. I have no reason to stall or hesitate with these people. And so I spring to action when the moment presents itself. People can fear being taken advantage of. I for one don't let that fear hold me back. It's "innocent until proven guilty". Not the other way around. Project your bad past onto others and that's assuming the worst. Seeing people as something they're probably not. I hate hoe some people do that. I hate it more when they make excuses and don't consider any positive context at all. Very biased, Very one sided. Very close minded. Anyone I debate with, I win. Because logic adds up and asking why enough times while providing examples on BOTH sides of the fence. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. But it works. And it gets results. People often go "It's not worth the effort or treading on eggshells". But frankly, I care enough to stand up for what I believe in and I value the well being of those I interact with. You tread on eggshells at first, yes, but like an elite soldier with experience under their belt it becomes "instinct". You don't "tread". You learn to just "do".

This touches heavily on the psychology area. People fear the worst happening. Bad past experiences. Giving no thought to change of context in the here and now and being closed minded saying "Can't" or" never happen". That mindset is self destructive. Never say never. Because people contradict themselves all the time. You're no exception. We tell ourselves "stuck" when in reality everything is a state of flux and change. People can fear change but what they actually fear is only what they know. Those that branch out and explore beyond their own comfort zones alone tend to find happiness in other areas. Those that live sheltered lives and curl under a rock dig their own graves and have only their own assumptions. Subs are more likely to fall victim to this. Can also happen with doms though. "Can" and "How" and "Why" goes much better then being close minded. Focus on those that listen and talk with you and can actually defend themselves or at least face you. You can't do anything for those that flee with their assumptions and don't even want to listen. Some will claim not want to hear yet will. Others will claim to value honesty even if it costs then then prove false with deaf ears and turned backs. You can bounc eback even after empty promises, but only through presence. Absence will be what destroys you. And them. The "lack of closure". Never ever do that. It's why aftercare so appreciated. Though I make it "always care". What is it with the "after" thing? Show the care throughout, you know. Even if you're also doing a bit of torture and breaking. Doesn't have to be separate.

DrWakko • Nov 8, 2020

Check my blog... it will be the last page or close to the last page of my blog and you will find a book list. Books by Dr Bob will really help you and maybe even the book the loving dominant john warren can and will help.