Safe Space

Safe Space

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2020

Safe space, what it looks like, what it means, what it isn't, how to not trip over the edges. I really would like your knowledge about this topic.

Thanks,

Bunnie • Dec 8, 2020

Hi ThatsSirTou,

I’m a big fan of talking about safety, great topic
This is a pretty open to interpretation question though, so I’m wondering, do you mean creating an emotional safe space? Or are you speaking in regards to creating a safe scene space?
Could you expand on what you mean when you say “how to not trip over the edges?”

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2020

When a sub comes to me to feel a sense of acceptance and value, I have a very bad habit of wanting my voice heard and turning the conversation to one about me. Which when I look back on the conversation afterwards drives me crazy and feels like I am continuing my on going battle to self sabotage.

Bunnie • Dec 8, 2020

So it kind of sounds like perhaps you’re referring to the area of creating an emotional safe space. Great area for discussion, and definitely not spoken about enough, in my eyes. I’m going to think on this, and also take it to my Master, as although I can definitely give feedback from my perspective, I feel this is an area where you may benefit more from His input.

The original Her​(switch female) • Dec 8, 2020

Well, I'm not an expert by any means, and I definitely don't have as much experience as others on here do, just because of my age. However, not a lot of people have replied to this thread, so of course I'll put in my two cents because I think a couple of opinions can help. Your initial statement wasn't as clear, so I'll focus on this bit that I quoted above. Whenever a sub comes to you to feel a sense of value, or acceptance, it's about themselves. The best thing to do in that position is to let them experience it. They could've gotten acceptance or the feeling of being valued from a lot of other people besides yourself, mate, so don't let it go to your head. Do not turn it into something for yourself, do not speak over them, and do not diminish the fact that they are needing this to make themselves feel more valid, accepted, etc., for whatever reason.

I know it's easier said than done, but focusing on asking them questions, making sure they feel equal to you (unless they've talked about explicitly enjoying contradictory values), appreciating them, and really just making them feeling like they're getting all of your attention. I'm still not completely connecting the dots about your self-sabotaging behaviors and this, but it's finals week and my brain is fried, so that's possibly why. Hopefully this helps your interactions with subs such as the ones you described, and also helps reduce the bitterness when you reflect on it.

Safe Space

DixyesPls • Dec 8, 2020

A safe space for me isn’t a place it’s a person. I feel most safe when I know my boyfriend/dom is listening to my concerns or the things I want or am interested in. I want to know I can come to him about anything. A Safe Space is knowing I can just look over to him and know he will always be there for me, being able to come home and just spend quality time together and not wanting or looking for that in other people. I want my boyfriend/dom to be my safe space again, because lately it has not been like that.

- A confused sub/gf

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2020

I am working to hard on creating that safe space, I just get in my own way and doing more harm than good sometimes by making it about me. I wanted to find out what I can do to improve and become better and allowing a sub space to express thoughts and feelings in a comfortable space. Hope this adds clarity.

DixyesPls • Dec 8, 2020

@ThatsSirTou all you have to do to create a safe space for you and your sub is to make them feel comfortable. When they are comfortable they are more willing to do and experiment with whatever ideas you may have. When a sub does not feel comfortable with her dom it creates awkward situations and a barrier that will be hard to get through. So always check in to see how they're doing and always make them feel wanted and needed and spend as much time as you can with them so they don't feel like they are begging for tour attention or time, because once that happens they will stop communicating their feelings, desires, and needs with you.

Bunnie • Dec 8, 2020

@ ThatsSirTou,

“ When a sub comes to me to feel a sense of acceptance and value, I have a very bad habit of wanting my voice heard and turning the conversation to one about me. Which when I look back on the conversation afterwards drives me crazy and feels like I am continuing my on going battle to self sabotage.”

“I am working to hard on creating that safe space, I just get in my own way and doing more harm than good sometimes by making it about me. I wanted to find out what I can do to improve and become better and allowing a sub space to express thoughts and feelings in a comfortable space. Hope this adds clarity.”

Firstly, I’m wondering if the sub has actually pointed out that they’re feeling that you’re turning it to you... or if you’re picking it apart for want of “doing it right.” There is a big difference there. If you are receiving feedback that yes, they are beginning to feel unheard because you keep making it about you, then that is definitely an area of itself to look into. What do you believe is the drive behind that? Are you trying to show them something, or prove your value to them?

However, if it’s you perceiving this without hearing it as feedback, I see it as a fine line. As a fellow over thinker, I absolutely know what it’s like to tear apart every little thing I say and do, and kick myself for not “getting it right.” In a lot of ways I see nothing wrong with this because it constantly pushes me to be better, do better, and to consider how I could improve. On the other hand, it can be a nasty shit of a voice that tears me apart and gives me anxiety at saying the wrong things constantly. This could simply be a self-confidence thing.

Either way, it sounds like some introspection could be a good thing... which I understand is what you’re seeking guidance towards, so for that, kudos to you I can absolutely share with you what personally helps me to experience someone feeling they’re a safe space, and how I myself strive to be a safe space for others, however unfortunately what I can’t share, which ultimately sounds like is what you’re seeking, is how that is achieved by the Dominant on a personal level. What I can do is ask those I admire and respect if perhaps they are willing to weigh-in and share some insight from their perspective.

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2020

Its based on feed back from the sub. Its the main reason why we went from a D/s to "just friends"