Safe Space

Miki • Dec 9, 2020

Safe Space for me? In the company of a dom who will respect my limits.. and above all else, won't kill me.

I get into choke orgasms but I have yet to trust a Dom or a Sadist, especially, to know when to stop. I get off on this shit but I totally do not want to die of it.

MountaintopMaster • Dec 9, 2020

Yup, sometimes a safe space is a physical zone, other times it is being in YOUR presence, ...but other times, often, it is just "giving them their space".

It sounds like your particular situation is the latter: they need time to themselves, but you're trying to insert yourself into that time, that physical location and/or mental head space for whatever reason; it's probably because you really do care about them. Whether you genuinely love them, and/or you're a Dom who wants to be able to solve ALL of your sub's problems for them, ...it's just not working out that way; they are their own person, a human being who just needs space sometimes.

[EDITED TO ADD...]
No matter how much a Dom might want their sub to be totally submissive in every way, the one thing you can't take away from them is their decision to submit. If there are very big life decisions going on, let alone whether to actually continue the D/s relationship, then they need to feel like they can make that decision all on their own, without any influence or threat from their Dom, and they might not be able to feel like they can do that if you're near them, whether they feel intimidated, or their judgment is clouded because they really are in love with you, either way, YES, A SUB MUST HAVE THEIR SPACE.

I spent years working on ways to express how much I care without intruding into someone's safe space. Stepping back and leaving them alone for a minute feels terrible, especially when you know you've just hurt them, physically or emotionally. But for me, a simple "I'm going to give you a minute, let me know as soon as you're ready to talk about this or want me to come cuddle" ...and then stepping back and giving them some privacy, was all it took for the switch to flip, and suddenly it really did work--they'd usually almost immediately gather their thoughts and then come talk and/or cuddle.

Maybe I'm lucky, maybe I'm doing it totally wrong, I'm not a therapist or a psychiatrist, of course. If there is ever a serious matter of someone not feeling safe, it might require a significant reevaluation of the relationship, or professional help...

Good luck!

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Dec 9, 2020

MountaintopMaster​ you have hit it exactly. I do extremely and genuinely care for her. Sounds like some very sound, good advice.

MountaintopMaster • Dec 9, 2020

I added another paragraph in the middle of my earlier reply.

If your D/s is still currently active, or if there is still a chance to salvage it, then try that communication immediately: "I want you to know that you have your own free will when it comes to decision XYZ. This is clearly very important to you and your life, so I'm going to give you time and space to think about it without my influence clouding your judgment. If you want to know what I think, or if you just need me to hold you and tell you that I love you / care about you, then feel free to come to me. But for now, I will allow you to clear your head and think..."

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Dec 9, 2020

Unpopular opinion maybe? On emotional safe spaces (Great topic BTW)

I actually welcome a Dom who wants to talk about himself for a while. Too often, I will go on about me, and it just provides the person I am talking to a place to say "Oh yeah that... I totally like that thing too. We must be SOOO compatible" like.. uh huh, you totally thought that before I mentioned it.. how convenient. We are soul mates

Some things I LOVE in a person who makes them feel like my safe space (From experience) I think some of these could help you tweak you conversations

- I want them to talk about themselves and when we connect on something, I want them to focus on that and elaborate on it, not change the subject to something new they like. Now we are talking about we - not you.
- I want them to speak in 3rd party. Nothing creeps me out more than when someone says "I want to do this to YOU" instead, try and say "I like doing this" or "I like when my sub does this" don't jump right into owning them, tell them what you want from YOUR submissive, not from THEM. Then they can more easiy 'try out' if they see themselves in that role or not (Trust me, they will always put themselves there to see if it 'fits')
- When someone tells you they don't like something, or they need time, or they need a change in topic... do NOT try and convince them otherwise. This does not mean completely change, stay true to you, or the conversations you have been having, but do NOT try and change their mind. Put that change energy into changing the topic, not their choice.
- Also... do not consider every sub you talk to as your next potential sub. You will meet a ton of people here, you will only be with 1 (or two, or whatever) of them, if a relationship is the only reason you are talking, they are very much going to get the impression that you are going to do whatever and say whatever to keep talking to them. And since 99 out of 100 people won't be the right person for someone, it makes it all such a chore. The interview is not a safe space. Even when that conversation goes to kink... doesn't mean I want to do that with YOU. I am looking for a space to have the conversation, develop the idea... not to test the theory.


Also, I want to say, don't feel too distraught about a sub dismissing you because they don't get to talk about themselves enough, especially the ones who will volunteer this criticism back to you (unless you asked for it) maybe you dodged a bullet, maybe not, that is just my preference. I prefer to learn things because I learnt them, not because they were thrown in my face as a problem on the tail end of a failed conversation.

Miki • Dec 9, 2020

Luv it when people want to write a wall of text to cite a point.

Miki • Dec 9, 2020

Mountain Man-- You hit it!!