Opening Up

LittleMissAdventure​(sub female) • Jan 22, 2021

I fear that I might not have been clear in what I was trying to communicate and for that I apologize. Nothing that I've said is in anyway shape or form intended to criticize you and your relationships. I don't know you, I don't know your life, I couldn't assume anything other than that you were in happy and fulfilling relationships! Furthermore, the reason I didn't elaborate on what the positives are of a poly life is because I erroneously assumed those were self-evident. Instead, I chose to focus my comments on the areas of contention I have because that's were there is the most room for growth and an increased understanding.

Re your cartel analysis - here's the thing: we actually DO plan for the worst case scenario all the time. We have pre-nups and life insurance and travel insurance all designed to provide support in the most unlikely of situations. Personally, my approach to literally EVERYTHING in life is to plan for the worst possible outcome and become comfortable with it. So, for me, this IS how I make my decisions. I don't do anything until I come to terms with where possible fault lines are and I shore them up.

The reason I brought up children is because I am a person who intends to have children one day and I know many people who do. Therefore, these are concerns that I and others like myself do have. It was not my intention to imply that you specifically wanted children, merely that it is a decision that many people would like to make and that there are genuine questions about how to do so ethically.

When you say that the world sucks but that doesn't make everyone in it shitty, I don't disagree. My intent was merely to say that even with the best of intentions some dynamics may be more prone to miscommunication or misunderstanding than others and that it may take more work to keep things clear and even more check-ins. That may well be worth it for some, and not for others. I don't think poly IS "bleak" or "isolating" inherently. I was just trying to answer your question.

Honestly, I wish I could delete my answer all together though. Even though I wanted to have a dialog, I'm not sure I've managed to do anything other than offend and that certainly feels shitty.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2021

I, personally, did not find either of your posts offensive or standoffish. I thought the first one was well organized and presents an opportunity for comparison and a means of providing a specific example of a couple of negative assumptions (not that you made, but related).
Logistically speaking, poly can be a lot more work than monogamy, this is true. By its very nature, there is a lot more to plan, feelings and emotions to consider, interpersonal connections (metamours, etc). This can seem overwhelming, and sometimes is. I have a partner who loves three hundred miles away from me, and making time for her can be difficult. It works out that we do not need much time together to cultivate a valid and meaningful relationship, but there are times that I wish she were closer to me. I have a partner with whom I live, and that is entirely the opposite situation. She and I have a lot of time together and we do a lot of the generic couple things, errands, joint decision making, etc. My distant partner has a partner of her own with whom she does these exact same generic couple things. Her partner is fairly vanilla and frightens easily, so her desire for a strong, aggressive partner who just so happens to effectively embody her lycanthropy Primal fetish was not being fulfilled until she met me. Not, she feels more satisfied and complete and her other partner no longer feels the pain associated with seeing her have to compromise because he is not everything she wants in life (none of us are perfect). My partner really wanted a traditional Dom who would hold her accountable. I am a chaotic and disorganized person by nature, so this was not something I could provide. She met a Dom who enjoys this sort of tedium, and they formed their own relationship. Now, she and I can enjoy our aggressive, Primal sessions and regular, filthy ‘vanilla’ sex without her feeling like she needed that accountability. Her Dom has a wife who is vanilla and does not give him the control he craves, but who fulfills him in every other way. It can be convoluted and logistically daunting, but it is well worth the effort, in my opinion. It may not be to you, and that is fine.
In terms of polygamy, it is illegal for tax reasons (and latent religious reasons, but so is sodomy, so we will just ignore that), as it should be. The fact that money comes into play is kind of a problem in itself, but it makes sense with current legislation. Most poly people are not getting married to one another. There may be married couples strewn about a polycule, but marriage is not typical in the poly community.
In terms of consent, it really cannot be stressed enough that within the poly community, as within the kink community, instances of purported consent violation are less common than within the monogamous community. Participants are more likely to speak up because the community as a whole is based more in non-traditional roles and practices, and it is very rare to have all the members of a group band together against one member who happens to revoke consent. Poly requires a lot of maturity and there are a lot of checks against abuse simply due to there being more participants watching.
As far as children go, I have met polycules that involved the raising of children, and for the most part, as long as you are being honest with the children, it is not that difficult to explain. There are certainly scenarios where they will go into the world and people will react in strange ways to a situation they are unfamiliar with, but how is that different from any new practice? The world becomes a more tolerant place when we fight against upholding tradition out of fear of the unknown.
I would prefer that you do not delete your comment. I think it does a good job counterbalancing this forum. I appreciate you posting it.