Exploring my sexuality while dealing with genital dysphoria

Exploring my sexuality while dealing with genital dysphoria

moremoremoreplease​(sub trans woman) • Jan 28, 2021

Hello!

I'm a transwoman who has only recently started to explore herself sexually. I've been on hormones about 2.5 years now, and finally felt comfortable enough with my body to become sexually active about a year ago, right before covid. Before the pandemic shut everything down I'd been on a couple of dates, and gave a couple of blowjobs (which were super fun btw!), but I still couldn't bring myself to get my genitals involved. I couldn't even get an erection, which felt odd because I can (and often do) masturbate and am comfortable touching myself. I'm wondering if anyone else had had similar experiences, especially because I'm interested in exploring my submissive side and figuring out where my limits are. I definitely want to start exploring once I get vaccinated and it's safe to go out and be with people again. I've been wondering if this is just anxiety, and once I'm more comfortable I'll be able to get more involved, or if maybe I'm not as attracted to men as I thought, or maybe if I'm just not gonna be able to have a partner touch my genitals unless I get bottom surgery. Maybe the guys were just not great lovers! I don't know, and I'm curious what other people's experiences have been, and if anyone has any advice.

shahh • Jan 28, 2021

Hey! I don't have any advice really... But I was intrigued by the "maybe I'm not as attracted to men as I thought" comment. This may be a little detour from your post, but I recall reading a few studies about sexuality and attraction that linked sexuality to gender expression.

So...to make things clear as mud... Those who express as male and gay for will example would be attracted to males. However, if those people transitioned to female expression, they would often have their same sex attraction shift to the same. So now that they expressed as a woman, they were attracted to women. So ...their sexuality and the gender they are attracted to would shift with the changed gender expression. Gawd I hope that made sense and I didn't sound like an ass lol. Apologies if I did.

Anyways, I never kept up on the research there but it was really interesting at the time and maybe worth a look into.

moremoremoreplease​(sub trans woman) • Jan 28, 2021

Actually, before I transitioned I thought I was a straight man! It was only after I stopped repressing my identity and escaped the constant denial that I was able to recognize that guys are, in fact, pretty hot. But there's definitely at least a part of that attraction based in traditional compulsory heterosexuality, the idea that men like women, and women like men. Therefore, newly transitioned me thought, if I'm a woman I must like men, right? So I started identifying as a pansexual or bisexual woman, since transitioning did not erase my attraction to women.

As a side note, being a different gender is wild in terms of attraction. Before I was a straight guy, and now when I date women I'm a lesbian. If I'd been able to consider dating men as a guy, then only gay or bi men would have been interested. Now I've got straight guys sending me dick pics. It's not just my dating pool that's different, it's the entire culture and expected roles that have changed.

But to get back to the original topic, I still feel self-conscious and gross and masculine in my body, especially in sexual situations involving nudity. A lot of my problem is probably related to that, and I don't know if the solution is a loving partner who reassures me with words and actions and a good hard fucking that I am in fact an attractive woman, or if I just need time and experience to overcome years of dysphoria, or if maybe I do in fact need surgery.

Unfortunately, I can't measure and quantify my feelings in order to break down how much each source contributes. I suspect that part of my attraction to men is based on the feeling of being validated as a woman, and as I become more confident that validation will be less of a motivation to sleep with guys. I still think that I have an innate attraction to men independent of that desire for validation, but if I keep on fucking guys and not having orgasms then I'll have to re-examine that assumption.

Thank you for your very thoughtful and kind reply, I promise you did not sound like an ass at all. Gender and sexuality are weird and confusing but still so fascinating, and I'm always happy when someone is willing to talk about it!

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 28, 2021

As I have no experience with this sort of thing I checked with a freind of a freind, here's their response.

So like from my experience , we( as transwoman ) experience dysphoria differently ..I sway back and forth with dysphoria but I am comfortable with intercourse involving it .It seems as though you need to explore what would it be for you to be comfortable in her body to the point you will share it with other potential lovers .Whether that’s bottom surgery , or not dealing with douches , etc etc .I recall in the past I felt using my gentians made me feel less feminine and more masculine but that’s just something in your head . And how people view it .There’s a lot of variables to why she might be feeling the way you are.
I also believe dealing with cis hetereo males might play a role on her insecurities and what they are comfortable with sexually .Try finding partners who are comfortable with who you are and what you have

HunterEightyThree • Apr 19, 2021

I can only speak as a Trans guy but I have dated Trans women as well as Cis women and men.

What I can tell you from my personal experience is that yes, most of us have dysphoria at some point or another. How much that affects you is different for everyone.

As far as how to overcome it? They best ways I've found are being kind to yourself and finding affirming partners. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk more.

redcutie​(dom trans woman) • May 23, 2021

Hello,

What you are experienced is pretty normal. Sexuality is fluid and quite complex especially when going through transition. Before I thought of myself as straight because thats how I was supposed to be but things went a little haywire after accepting my feminine side. I went from being into guys, to bi, to slightly more into girls. I would not worry about changes at all and accept you as you are at this moment.

About not being comfortable getting your genitals touched thats also pretty common. In the beginning I absolutely hated that and it was an instant turn off. That is totally fine just be confident and let people know thats off limits. There are people for whom thats a dealbreaker but many other dont mind. It is not uncommon for transgirls to feel uncomfortable having their genitals touched. For some it stays this way for others they become okay with that further on their journey. For me it was totally off limits even though I still touched myself sometimes, with time I became more relaxed about it even though it still feels weird to me.

One thing you will definitely encounter especially with men is many take porn way to serious and feel its part of the package playing with a tgirls genitals. Do not worry about that people with more real life dating experience know that with transgirls its common they dont like that and understand why it causes them discomfort. Keep exploring your sexuality and you learn that there are thousand of ways to find sexual pleasure that does not involve your genitals.

reaverforge​(switch male){owned} • May 24, 2021

One thing I hadn't seen mentioned on this thread yet, is perhaps it isn't dysphoria or your own level of comfort with your own body.

This is coming from a bi male, my own perspective. My wife talks to many people in the link community. She can talk sexually and all that, but when it comes to the physical acts, she has to have an emotional connection there as well. Perhaps that is something similar to what you are dealing with? Obviously, I do not know, because I am not in your shoes, but sometimes that outside perspective can help.

DynamicDuo • May 24, 2021

Hello there. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles.

I have struggled all my life with varying levels of disgust with my body, due to trauma and gender-stereotypical expectations, etc. I actually spent a few years identifying as a guy. Personally, the only way I'm comfortable with my body is if I trust someone, but I've managed a few encounters without that now.

My ex-husband was not very well endowed, and I was his first. It took us a long time to get him to the point where he could even get an erection because of his anxiety and self-hatred. Patience and acceptance was the key. If there's no EXPECTATION, then there's no PRESSURE. The best thing to remember is that THERE IS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO HAVE FUN! You have hands, and a mouth as you said, and SO DO THEY. I've found that the need to actually achieve orgasm is gone when you go in with only the expectation of enjoying yourself!

My Boy currently feels rather fem, but he's not a typical femboy in appearance and he hates that. I simply encourage him, show him how much I find him attractive just the way he is, and reassure him whenever he admits to these feelings. Showing other people pictures or talking to them about him being feminine and receiving positive reactions while he's not even around (so they're not just being polite) has also gone a long way towards helping him.

In short, you have to be happy with you before you can be happy with others. It's a long, hard slog, but it's worth it. Work on accepting yourself, acknowledging that you may NEVER achieve an erection with others and that's FINE, make sure you feel that the people you're with are supportive, and I think you'll find your problems disappearing.

Good luck sweetheart! I wish you all the best!