How do you know when it’s gone too far?

How do you know when it’s gone too far?

RaeVen​(masochist female) • Feb 27, 2021

Hi, first post and, though I’ve been in a D/S relationship for many years I’m new to the community itself.

I am a masochist sub, so I enjoy pain to begin with. On top of that I have a very high pain tolerance and a disorder that gives me very fragile, brittle bones. So, sometimes when we are in a scene I don’t always realize how badly I’ve been hurt. Like, I’ve gotten fractures and not realized until days later. Although broken bones isn’t really an ideal outcome, I’m fairly used to them so it doesn’t bother me or give me problems like it would for most people, but I can understand the need to avoid it.

My Dom has been too gentle lately because he’s very worried about accidentally hurting me in a long-term way but I think he’s gone too far the other way and we are trying to find a middle ground that works for us both mutually.

Do any other subs have a problem like this? Is there a trick to figuring out where the limit is if the pain isn’t enough of an indicator?

Bunnie • Feb 27, 2021

Have you tried exploring with different types of sensation? I am of the belief that S&m can go way beyond simply being beaten. Maybe this is an opportunity to open up a whole new world of exploration that involves other forms of pain.

RaeVen​(masochist female) • Feb 27, 2021

We have definitely tried other things and it just... isn’t the same release.

Bunnie • Feb 27, 2021

I understand. Your situation is not one I have experience with, so I can’t really offer any suggestions based off personal experience.
Some thoughts:
Perhaps observation in different ways? Taking note of how your skin looks and how other aspects of your body are responding, rather than going by feeling alone (because that is proving to be an inaccurate gauge) ... and learning to use a greater range of aspects as a gauge?

Good luck, I hope you find something!

Kelpi • Feb 27, 2021

There are many ways to feel pain and being neaten is at the top. The use of wax or pins can cause pain and will not cause any breakage. I once heard of a flogger with tiny blade at the tips that caused much pain as well as pleasure. I have seen a flogger that had thumb tacks in it from half way down to the tips. I was told it was very enjoyable.

Susie Q{Daddy Ant} • Feb 27, 2021

This is maybe something you’ve done, but maybe, and I know this would be hard to do...both of you go to your physician and talk honestly with the doctor and find out what is ‘too far’ and what isn’t. Your doctor can’t tell anyone, anything about you so confidentiality is there. Maybe hearing your doctor say certain things will be ok will help your D feel better about the pain he gives you. Just a thought.

MisterWolf​(dom male) • Feb 27, 2021

Hello,

Wow. What a mixture...a maso who loves pain, has a high tolerance of to that pain but also has brittle bones that break easily. No wonder your Dom is being more careful. I got to tell you when I saw you say you had received broken bones from scenes I was horrified. Safety is at the centre of BDSM and while two consenting adults can do what they like, there must be a view to the long term consequences as well.

I would suggest adding combinations of sensations so you still get the rush.....heat, cold, sense dep, chem play, Impact, etc. Pain is worse when you don’t know it is coming so add a blindfold. Pain is worse if you are concentrating on your clit as your Dom put tiger balm on it. Experiment to see what works for you to still give you that rush without the risk of breaking bones.

Good luck.

Kelpi • Feb 28, 2021

I have taken time to think this over and you know it has gone to far when you feel the chill. It is a chill that runs down your body telling you something is wrong but you can't tell what. It is the body's alarm system letting you know something is off either in you or him or the way things are going. It is a feeling you have to listen to no matter what.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 28, 2021

[quote="Bunnie"Perhaps observation in different ways? Taking note of how your skin looks and how other aspects of your body are responding, rather than going by feeling alone (because that is proving to be an inaccurate gauge) ... and learning to use a greater range of aspects as a gauge?

Good luck, I hope you find something![/quote]

I was thinking along the lines of Bunnie. Observation in different ways.
something to add to what she said. The temperature of the room will also add to what is "seen" Warm skin will show less marks and take a lot more. I also wonder if adding some kind of feed back loop wouldn't help as your Dom/me isn't "breaking" bones or you, each and every time. That strike/hit was a *insert scale here* till you Dom/me get back his confidence and back to a place where he once was.

Position of yourself might also help. If you body has a little more "give" to it, it not break as easy. I'd maybe (as i said no expert here) try not to use walls or laying down where you (your body) offers less resistance.

Are you prone to breaking in certain spots more easily? can those areas be used less?

I also wonder if layering pain play might make for a better experience on your body...building it up via sensation play etc, to then more strike based so you require less?!?

I really hope you find a way to make it work. I'd love to hear if you do find a work around

Kelpi, that "chill" response wont work if she subspaces (but then mind you neither will my suggestion then)

Re: How do you know when it’s gone too far?

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

I DEFINITELY understand where you are coming from. I love to be used rough and from experiences with my ex(he was mostly submissive/switch so he didnt like being extremely rough anyways) was almost afraid to use me harshly bc there were times I understand i get bruised easily or too much pressure on the ribs/hips or i shake when i orgasm- which he said he liked(and this didnt happen every time btw) but when we would cuddle afterwards i felt he was almost scared he hurt me in a way and he was gentle as well bc of it- but if you are physically feeling it after a few days it maybe would be a good idea to try different levels and wait a few days and see what your threshold is or what causes it. As for pain, i mean if you feel it you should be able to vocalize how much pain ur in so that your dom can know when is a good stopping point. Maybe even writing down pain levels afterwards and just keeping track. Hope that is an idea that could help. Good luck!