Is it common? (Possibly wrong Thread to post in, sorry if so.)

yourbootsownme​(sub male) • Mar 13, 2021

There's nothing uncommon here. It comes down to "what is a Domme?" A Domme in this case is a woman who enjoys being dominant. Asking those with more experience for tips, ideas, and suggestions about how to go about fulfilling those desires seems fully logical to me. Especially when those questions are directed at ways to engage with a sub or when the Domme in question is simply looking for traps to avoid and potential problems to sidestep.

Kitzer​(sub female) • Mar 13, 2021

I don't think there's anything wrong with it persay (a sub training a dom) but really how many submissive want to do that? We generally want a dom because of the experiences they're able to create and because of the way they are. We want them training us!

Now I will say that subs can help you with things like learning new activities and techniques but actually teaching you how to dominate, that's better left to someone who isn't a potential sub. You should already have and bring your dominance to the table.

It's also worth noting whether you're actually dominant or not. I feel like some people might like the idea but in practice can't manage it. And there's nothing wrong with that! That doesn't make you any less worthy or deserving as a person. It just makes you different.

For example, I may have some switch like tendencies but along with that, I have an entitled princess brat type attitude *I know cringy* and I can be rather selfish too. Because of that, I don't think I'd make a good dominant and I wouldn't think it fair of me to try. Also I'm way too childish to be telling anyone else what to do. I'd probably create a mess of a person if they were under my care!

I feel like potential doms should examine these thing about themselves as well and ask themselves whether or not they truly can fulfill that role.

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Mar 13, 2021

I don't think it's that weird. Many of the Doms I've met said they got introduced to the lifestyle from a submissive partner and kind of learned through that person's guidance how to be a dom. I've also had new doms reach out just to chat and see what kinds of things I like and get ideas of what they could try themselves.

I for one am not really open to guiding a partner like that since I want to be guided but some subs are obviously open to it, so whatever works for you really. But nope I don't think it's necessarily a red flag.

Bunnie • Mar 13, 2021

@ LittleLady A,

Lol I can relate to your reaction. It is one I had at one point along my travels too. I actually used to get angry at being asked. However, as I’ve become more comfortable in myself as a submissive, and my place within this lifestyle, my perspective has shifted a lot.

I now think it can be a beautiful thing, if the submissive feels confident enough within themselves to be able to offer (knowledgeable) guidance. Actually I don’t see it as guidance per se, but more one of perspective.

I can absolutely understand why a Dom might ask this of someone. I remember wanting so badly to be perfect for my first Master, and not wanting him to see my struggles to attain that, that I was asking everyone and their dog on how to achieve being his perfect submissive. Lol I shake my head now, but at the time that was my thought process. The person I wanted to please was a Dom, so in my mind, the people who had the answers in how to achieve that, were Doms.

Would I mentor a newbie Dom? I hope to be able to some day, as a team with Master (if He wants to of course lol), because I want to give back as much as I can to the BDSM community... it has given me so much. Now, however, I am not experienced or wise enough to be capable of mentoring anyone... not even as being a bottom for them to practice on.

Of course, there are limits to what a submissive can offer a Dominant... that’s why I believe it is wise to be “mentored” by the community as a whole. Why have one mentor? I have so many people I respect and value, and each are people I go to, to seek advice and feedback when necessary. Or if I want a very broad perspective, I post in the Forums here, where I can sift through responses and see perspectives I may not have otherwise been exposed to.

Mentoring carries with it a huge responsibility. One that is not recognised nor understood by newbies. It is an honour. In my eyes it should also never be offered. Just like finding a Dom/me or sub, finding a Mentor who resonates with you, and fits, is just as important. And that comes with time and knowing each other.

TheWhorelock​(dom male) • Mar 14, 2021

Seeking to be taught how to dominate by a submissive is generally a bad idea. There’s... a laundry list of reasons for that, but the simplest is that it’s a semi torturous experience for a sub. Teaching is inherently a dominant mentality, so only extremely refined submissives who also have a comprehensive understanding of both sides of the slash can pull it off in a good way, and it begs the question why would they bother?

It’s also a bit of a red flag too. The Dom may be innocent in their inquiry, but it shows a certain lack of capacity to look for education on their own and learn from other sources/Doms. Particularly right now there is an absolutely ridiculous amount of kinky education available right now online. It demonstrates wanting the sex/intimacy without the work.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 14, 2021

You can be one thing and also the other. Your perception is limited.

I'm good on both sides of the fence. It's not so much about "dom" and "sub". It's about things like "interaction" and "control" and "going with the flow" (or giving direction). etc.

People that are new to things are still grasping the nitty gritty details. Do you think someone that is new to the army knows how to be an elite well trained fighter just because they're a new soldier?

The best lesson I can give is this. Don't make it about the labels. Instead focus on addressing context itself. It helps prevent assumptions. Let situations speak for themselves (and state as such) basically.



Being such a sub myself I can answer this. Because I like being treated in the ways I enjoy. It's simple really. As for how/when someone does things, that's where communication talks come into play. Think of it like having a sex talk. Or a "How can we have fun roelplaying" talk. Got to set the stage. Have some general idea of direction. But leave room for flow. Plans are only needed at the start. Then things being more spontaneous after the first few goes. Provided things are consistent of course. Like anything else, if that consistency is lacking it's going to send you back to square one again, due to "re-kickstarting" after waiting too long.

While someone else can do those things to me, it wouldn't be the same person. I want THEM to treat me like I matter. Which makes it possible for me to do the same in return. Needs are needs, you know. Once people make things fair things get more fun. Less worrying for the people involved. But if someone is selfish and one sided... Well, does anyone really want to be like that? I keep trying even then. And it works sooner or later (normally sooner). No one really wants to be that selfish one sided person. It just ends up causing headaches due to closed minded conversations. Once people start talking about "Fair and happy" and how to share their wants/needs together properly do things go better.

Basically, some people will have those unpleasant conversations because they're close minded. Now if such a person can hold a conversation with me the potential for improvement is always there at least.

Once someone turns a deaf ear and is a coward though (you know. Those types) it drastically decreases your odds. Yet even then I get those people to come around more often then not. Someone might wonder what I wanted to talk about. It's really damn hard to argue with "Happiness and agreements". Also, "What you don't know". That's a very important one too.

Be dogmatic for the truth, prove people assumed the worst too easily, state situations as they are (as a dom might) and suddenly "acting like a dom" can lead to having your leash yanked. The issue with subs in general is that they tend to lack that... Hmm... talent for getting through to some difficult people.

Miki • Mar 14, 2021

Asking someone to "teach you how to be" that which you (rhet) claim to be isn't right. In fact it's about as tacky as walking into the public restroom and asking if anyone has suggestions for the best way to wipe one's ass.

But seeking out advice or the other's experience with pitfalls and all kinds of other shit that can and will fall in one's proverbial lap as a new dominant is a super idea.

Everyone is new at something at one time or other in life. Being a dom(me) or a sub is no exception. This may not be the best comparison but it goes to the point. Kid has learned how to drive. They passed the exam and have a license. But it's a very good idea to talk with someone who has been doing it for years about things they have learned along the way. There's no crime in seeking advice from a more experienced dominant. There are many "Never do" things they should know about especially due to misconceptions about the whole BDSM "lifestyle" out there in vanilla land, some of these brought about by mischaracterizations in literature or even on film, and certainly one can get the wrong idea from porn.

One ought never walk in the room and bark out "On your knees, Slave!" right off the bat, else their subs will likely run away.

Note: (Well, the above command works for me but I'm a sexual masochist not a "real" sub. I play rough, like dirty or nasty talk when it is "playtime" but when fun and games are over I'm fully independent, pushy, even---and I take no guff from anyone.)

But that's neither here nor there. To boil it down, asking for advice is not uncommon or wrong. Asking how to wield a whip, crop or paddle... That's a shitty idea.

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Mar 14, 2021

[quote="Taramafor"]

"You can be one thing and also the other. Your perception is limited."

Ah, don't I know this to be true, but I do not believe my perception is limited. Thank you for your response though.

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Mar 14, 2021

I want to thank everyone as a whole who replied to this topic. I appreciate all the opinions shared with me, allowed me to open my mind and see it how I wish to view it.


Mentoring... As said, it's a responsibility I'd rather not have. Nor do I have the knowledge or experience to even think of offering such. That would be.... Not smart, IMO.

So, again, thanks everyone.