How to Heal

How to Heal

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 30, 2021

Dear kinksters(or anyone reading this),
I just had a realization that took me far too long to come to. I am wondering how many people relate and I want you to know your NOT alone. I have liked a guy 5 years(outside of one other guy i dated a year) and I have never been able to move on from him. I have been reading and finding myself again and one of the most important things I realized is how important it is to COMPLETELY detach (dont talk to them, have photos, follow them on socials...) cut off every string and delete every message. I held on so long that it was eating me up inside knowing he may never love me back. He makes it very obvious he doesnt like me back and in my head i told myself i could change that if he got to know me or date me. But the reality is im not going to change who i am for any man and i cannot change that he doesnt feel the same. And i felt like he made it so clear, but my brain lied to me and told me there was a chance. I also act very different towards him bc of how attached i was, and that’s toxic. I am honestly far too amazing to lower myself for any man. But the point to me, is that even if you feel they are the only one for you or that you will never move on, there are other people and you can move on. You have to want yourself more than them. Put yourself first. If you are currently in those shoes, loving someone who doesnt love you back or feeling as though you can never get over them, do yourself a favor. Do these things: this is a great book i highly recommend you read it is opening my eyes like no self help book ever had, “codependent no more”(melody), make a list of what you want and prioritize that above all else, detach COMPLETELY (i struggled with this the most but its the most important part), and open up about how you feel(therapy is a great way to do that) bc bottling it inside will stop you from healing. After doing those things you will feel like a brand new person (give it time of course). Let me know if you have similar experiences or need help, it’s a healing journey <3

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 30, 2021

Been trying to get my wife to do all this for as lo g as I've k own her. Yes theres some great memories, but keeping g pictures of your x regaurdless of reasons will inevitably itabbly always remind you of the pain and torment

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Mar 30, 2021

Highly relatable!!!! A healing journey, indeed.

Thank you for offering some good tips as well.

✨🌸

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 30, 2021

I agree completely. Its the hardest part but detachment leads to personal healing and I believe that’s far better than holding on. I’d also recommend she read that book it really helps me!

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 30, 2021

Absolutely Best of luck! You’re not alone. It hurts but thats what makes us strong <3

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 31, 2021

You need grief counseling. Grief and emotions are highly complex and pervasive. There is no reason for you to suffer for years on end when help is out there. No shame in getting help with what eats at you so that you can find happiness.

If you had a wound that would not heal would you just poke at it? Of course not.

Losses are often attached to much more than you think so find a licensed professional and give yourself a real chance to get on with life. We're only getting older. Why spend so much time letting a negative define and control you?

You deserve better. I promise.

I will say this before people decide I am cold and unfeeling. I've had a staggering amount of loss in my life. Had I not gotten help with it, I would have probably ended my life just trying to carry that much pain.

It isn't easy to get over losses but it is possible. You won't ever forget. You will probably always have a pang when thinking about that person or what might have been but it does fade with the right help and work.

Problem is many people wont tackle the work. Happiness and hope are personal choices that you must invest in.

H*

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 1, 2021

He's clearly still on your mind. In both good ways and bad ways alike I imagine. You are learning. You are healing. But don't make the mistake of thinking the past can't catch up if you just pretend it doesn't exist. Could put you in danger later if you do. Doesn't mean live in it. Just means take note of it.

You're not letting him keep you "stuck" anymore. Which is good. But you're clearly still thinking of them. It's not a bad thing. You're learning from the experience. But what if you misperceive some things? People do change if given enough reason. What if you simply didn't know how? You can't do what you don't even know of course. But what if you could have done better and got them too and just didn't know how? I think that's worth considering. If only to improve interactions with others.

What's more what if you fail to do that with the next person? I trust I have your attention at this point. It wouldn't do to have a repeat of 5 years of no results after all.

Now maybe things happened and you BOTH took a flawed approach. Or maybe you more then him even. We don't have the context. We don't have the details. All I can do is cover the possibility. You tell yourself you're done. Maybe it will remain the case. But we can't ignore the possibility that things could work out later either. We can't predict the future either way. And I assure you, I've worked things out with people that were done with me until convinced. What I want is for others to be able to get those results though. Personally I do it faster. there's a bit of a trick to it. Honesty above all else. At any cost. In a nutshell. Makes the trust.

You are correct with "Getting to know you". But when you mentioned "dating" I took that as a flag. I'm sensing there's been some misunderstandings (specifically generalised ones with not enough said with context) where you two didn't challenge each other hard enough. It's not easy at times. It can be an uphill battle at times. It's normal to be more ignorant then aware. And accepting and admitting that is all that will make you wiser. What if things went bad just because you don't know how to make them go good? I think this is very important to consider here. Regardless of what happens after.

What if you let silence take root? Which leads to living in fear?

DING! Talk. Talk. Talk talk talk. Talk talk talk talk my ass off. No freaking well am I allowing that. I don't think there was enough of that. Not properly. Proper communication isn't what people think it is. If it was easy, it would never be hard. It's easy if you know it. But the simple fact of the matter is this. Most people don't know as much as they claim too. Doubly so with themselves. If someone can't even tell me why they do what they do, then they do not know themselves as well as they claim too. I know what I do. I know why I do it. I can say with what, where and why. So when someone else makes excuses to hold back with my happiness I'm focusing right on context. "What specifically. Did you ask/find out? What are you claiming you're not interested in when you don't even know?" The trick is to get someone to find out. Which can change their mind. And often does, in my experience and observations. Provided it's about each others happiness and interactions. Not dating. ACTIONS. Making that very clear. It simply has to be about doing things and being consistent with things. Which people can misinterpret and assume the worst of/worry about. Until said consistency takes place and there's a balance and you settle in.

All this time you tried to "date" him and "be understood". I get misunderstandings. I really do. But where's the interactions? THAT is the deciding factor. To DO things together. To be there for each other. And focus on making each other happy. Understanding is one thing. But sod all that. Like, seriously. You want to be happy. I want to be happy. How can we do it? Let's DO it.

The understanding part is only really needed if people hold back with your happiness for some reason. Or otherwise need to be made aware of what to do with you to make you happy. Things can happen VERY quickly and VERY easily if you focus less on being understood and more on interactions. That doesn't mean let misunderstandings happen. It simply means don't waste time and stall/hesitate. And make sure you talk your ass off if someone holds back with you. They might hate you for it at first. Find you a pain. But in the end they can love you for it. If they make the attempt to find out. Getting someone to do that is the trick. It doesn't happen with "Understand me. Date me". It does happen with "How can we both have fun and enjoy ourselves". They need a reason to do what you want. How can you get them to want too?

You want to be understood. But they need to be understood. You want to do fun things. They want to do fun things. Where's the agreements? When I say "they" I mean it can as easily be the next person you meet. Stated what I did so you can process it and come up with a game plan for interactions with others. And if possible the person you mentioned. Up to you. Just make sure you got a better game plan this time. Because if it's been 5 years then something was being done wrong. Of which you're both responsible for. And that means YOUR approach was flawed somewhere. Most likely because of ignorance and not knowing what to do. Anyone's mind can be changed IF you know how. But you have to know how. Sad truth is often times people don't know how to get better results in too many situations. And that's just something we have to accept before we can do anything about it.

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dom daddie​(dom male) • Apr 8, 2021

it takes time. so try to have some fun.