Submission and Monogamy ~

Submission and Monogamy ~

Madame Verity​(dom female) • Sep 30, 2020

Hello
My primary submissive has recently articulated he is craving vanilla non submissive sex. I am not interested in having this dynamic with him, although as a cuckold, he is clearly aware of my vanilla relationships with other men and women. I'm curious to hear people's experiences with unleashing subs (short term, medium term, long term) to have hetero / vanilla relationships with others and how that has affected the lifestyle dynamic.
Thanks,
Verity

slavebilly​(sub male) • Sep 30, 2020

Im not aware of all the dynamics of your relationship and what type of agreement you may have with Him.

Are you in a LTR with him? If not and you have vanilla sex, why would you feel he cannot?

My understanding of a D/s & vanilla relationship is that everyone is free to do what they want during vanilla time. Again, this depends on any contractual agreements.

I would like more info before answering further

Re: Submission and Monogamy ~

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Sep 30, 2020

I have absolutely no clue how a Domme/sub relationship works.

That said, in my personal life, I believe in fairness. When in a relationship, I am personally always monogamous. But if I were to be poly, I would let the sub be poly as well. It's unfair otherwise, from my POV.

Frankly, I have no problem with the sub being poly even when I am mono.

Zerospace​(dom male){Amalthea} • Sep 30, 2020

IMO, I would want there to be an established understanding of the dynamic first:
Which comes first? The vanilla relationship or ours?
If it is ours, then does your vanilla relationship fall under the domain of ours? If so, what rules must be set?

This comes across as very legal and contract-oriented, but if both parties are clear-headed about their own wishes, and open-minded enough to concede to the other's wishes, then an amicable arrangement can be made.

I believe that Thinker has the right framework, though. These things must be fair. If you are able to have relations, then he should be granted the same opportunity. Keeping in mind, of course, that fairness is subjective to your relationship. No one should give up a core piece of their relationship for the sake of adhering to some "objective" sense of fairness that may not apply to them.

I wish you the best of luck making these decisions with him. I hope you two are able to come to an arrangement that benefits everyone involved.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 30, 2020

If you are having sex with other men , i wouldn't label your relationship as "monogamy."

It also seems to me that as a cuckold, his cravings are a part of that dynamic and giving in to them would seem to contradict the idea of cuckold? Unless the cuckold is selective? Is that even possible to maintain the emotional/psychological/sexual tension that creates if there is an out? That sounds like role play to me, a game you can leave behind when you are done vs a lifestyle dynamic?

sub to b trained​(sub male) • Apr 6, 2021

Since cuckold is a part of the dynamic you have with him, I understand how allowing him vanilla sex w/ others could undermine some of that taunting and the overall dynamic. That said, you do not mention whether you also require him to wear a chastity cage too. If so, then the vanilla sex w/ some other woman seems to be an option only as a release you might allow him when you wish to reward him.

On the other hand, if you both maintain vanilla lives, you are poly and he is not your sub 24/7, then it only seems fair for him to have the chance for vanilla sex w/ another woman. I’d suggest by starting out w/ you having to approve the woman w/ whom he may have vanilla sex and see if unleashing him for limited vanilla sex negatively impacts your D/s dynamic. If it does, then the agreement might be that the vanilla sex opportunities will stop if your D/s relationship is impaired.

I believe you should have a conversation w/ your sub about the options and come to a mutually acceptable arrangement and then re-evaluate the decision after 2 or 3 weeks to see if it has helped, hurt or not affected your D/s time together.

The fact that you have even posted this dilemma and are seeking. Input shows me you are a very caring and thinking Domme. I’d even be interested in being considered for joining your harem. I’ve been looking for a Domme that cares about the sub’s experience in the dynamic — many aren’t so good at that.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 6, 2021

I think, regarding what is or is not vanilla surely that has to do with headspace, any act, activity conducted with dominant, or submissive headspace, energy, is surely that, and not vanilla, regardless of what it might be?

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 7, 2021

It's only fair, that if you have "vanilla" relations with other men and women, he wants one, but you do not want that with him, --- to "unleash" the guy and let him satisfy his needs.

Dominant or not, holding a double standard can and will deteriorate the dynamic you have with him, whereas letting him run loose and please his schlong could lead to an improved dynamic once he gets his rocks off a few times as a non-submissive sex partner to someone.

* * * * *

This is only my opinion based on that I have read. Personally I am no expert, as I am unattached and want to stay that way. Commitments and monogamy are anathema to me.

But that's only my $0.02, for what it's worth.

Have A Sunny Day!

SubGuyCa​(sub male) • Apr 25, 2021

You're under no obligation to have sex with him, if you don't wish to do so. (I for one, would have no interest in a Dominant who would let my penis anywhere near her body.)

As for granting him permission to have sex with others, that's YOUR choice as-well. To me though, keeping him hopelessly denied and frustrated...keeps the dynamics pure. And since you're Dominant, isn't his obedience to that which he doesn't like...a turn-on for you?

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 25, 2021

It depends on how well they can deal with other relations not going well. In my experience such additional relations may cause strain on the primary relationship which too much strain may cause them to completely do away with the dynamics of the relationship