Communicating your likes and needs as a submissive

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Apr 19, 2021

Hmm I wonder if you could tell what you mean that the energy is different? Is dom/sub interactions different for straight vs gay people ?

As a gay man myself a lot of the experiences I read online come from straight dom/subs and sometimes I read things that resonate with me a lot but other times not so much. I guess it only makes sense that men, women, straight, gay experience this differently. It still be nice to figure out what those differences might be.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 19, 2021

Truppenstrum

You said :
"@Dominus eius​ you are right. If you enter a relationship, it only makes sense to talk about what you like and don't like. By letting the dominant partner decide the what, where and when you are still giving up control, which for me is important."


The giving, the surrender is absolutely one of the beautiful aspects of a D/s. For me being controlled is intoxicating. But what I hope to caution is letting go when the boundaries are not clear. It is not military obedience ( unless that is agreed upon) . Though with someone you trust it will be easy to earnestly and immediately obey. ( following protocol)

Use caution, go slow and communicate openly.

If you find communicating some needs, desires and fears are difficult to express you may want to keep a journal. Writing it all down can be a way to express yourself. With the right Dom it will become easier to be vulnerable and transparent.

Many Doms find reading their subs journal to be beneficial in many ways. The more you communicate with your Dom the better.

( Doms can elaborate to that end)

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Apr 19, 2021

Thank you for your reply SageFlame. I will take your advice to heart. I think your suggestion to keep a journal is great advice.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Apr 19, 2021

So, let me elaborate on the position I speak from, my sub is also my wife of over 10 years and we have been living together for 15 years.

Even with all that - what SageFlame says is key. The more you communicate the better. Yes, you have to pick your timing - if she tried to talk to me while I was flogging her arse - well it wouldn’t end well..... A gag would most probably be used. Unless (and remember this is always key) she safeworded to stop the ongoing event. That, of course, always overrides everything.

Even with how well we know each other, I still need to communicate with her to understand and make sure we are on the right path and it’s still correct for BOTH of us.

Likewise I echo the recommendation to take your time and not rush. We have actually agreed a couple of times to step backwards slightly, as we had taken the next step too soon - then we regrouped and went again - guess what - it was much better for it.

Susie Q{Daddy Ant} • Apr 19, 2021

Rivermxl i absolutely love your analogy. Very ‘to the point’ !!

enigmatic • Apr 19, 2021

[quote="TBDom"]Great conversation and I agree with all that has been said here. One thing I would add though is my sub and I often will "lab" a new scene or a new idea before we do a full scene. For example, I just got a new coffee table and was going to tie her to it. We spent a little time making sure I understood how her joints were going to move relative to the table, where she might need extra padding, how to position her for maximum access to her mouth and pussy after she was tied, etc. In our lab mode, my sub is very much part of the conversation. Once we switch to scene mode the dynamic changes.
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This is a great idea! I see how this can help prevent unintended injuries.

GuinevereL​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2021

There is already so much good information listed above, but I wanted to touch on something that I don’t think has been mentioned yet.

You said you feel no satisfaction in getting what you want and communicating your likes seems contradictory to submitting.

To me personally, expressing my wants/likes (during appropriate times when dialogue is open, never during play) has made my Dom and I closer. I have given him the power to know what is in my head and the power to do with it as he pleases.

Another reason is that for the first time ever my brattiness has been quelled due to my punishments being specifically designed for me based on what I like and dislike. As someone mentioned before... it does not mean you will get what you want AT ALL. If the conversation is presented, I don’t think you will suffer from sharing as long as it’s done properly and respectfully.

Again, just my opinion.

Bunnie • Apr 20, 2021

@ Truppensturm,

“In my own (very) limited dom/sub experience I get no enjoyment out of submitting to someone if I get what I want. I communicate my boundaries/limits, but other than that I submit to the will of the dominant partner. That loss of control is what excites me.”

I am wired much the same, so can absolutely relate to what you’re saying. It’s not a very popular way of approach... but we’re wired how we’re wired

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Apr 21, 2021

Hey @Bunnie happy to see you can also relate to what I said. And yes I agree you do what feels right for you. But a lot of things that have been said here are valid concerns/tips that I will take to heart. Of course safety is the biggest priority.

The key to being a good lover is...

Jack of all doms​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2021

Interesting topic.

The key to being a good lover whether its a BDSM relationship or just vanilla one is knowing what your partner is looking for and delivering it.

That requires they know what they want and they communicate that to you. If you want to please whomever your with this knowledge is the secret to being a great lover because the greatest sex organ is the brain.

Everything else flows from this knowledge, or lack of this knowledge. It's at least as much about the about the mental approach as the physical in my experience, sometimes more about the mental approach.

This why I view getting to know my partner as a person is the first step in learning to please them sexually. Sex isn't a separate compartment wallled off from the rest of a person. Rather it is a continuation of a their personality, past experiences, desires, wants, etc., etc. To be able to please someone you must know them in toto, not just their kinks, but the person behind the kinks as well, e.g., what causes those needs/desires/wants.

Sometimes that means exploring this with them because they may not know this about themselves. The biggest compliment I can get as a lover is to be told I know or discover things my partner wasn't even aware of but we discovered together.