Consent

Consent

SageFlame​(sub female) • Jun 2, 2021

This is one of the topics that circles around as central for both/all parties involved to attain satisfaction. Not sure about other cultures but being American I can tell you sex wasn't openly discussed in my home of origin nor among friends. I would over hear comments being thrown around with laughter but not an honest discussion.

Consent is something that derives from respect. Right? Since a great many are not raised in a home where respect and personal boundaries are the norm; how then did you learn to give consent or ask for it? Some have a difficult time being assertive. Others may have difficulty working as a "team" and considering what the others needs might be. Unless you have been gifted with the special power of mind reading verbal communication would be necessary.

When/ how did you learn to communicate and give or ask for consent?

Bunnie • Jun 2, 2021

When I speak of “consent” I mean in a general sense, simply in regards to relationship and interaction with others. So, in that context, I learned about consent when I first stepped into the world of BDSM about 4 years ago. It saddens me that it took that long, however, I look at those around me and realise that they couldn’t teach me because they themselves didn’t know. It never occurred to me that we could negotiate and build our own model of relationships with others.

It’s been through an ongoing process of learning from others who’ve guided me, and mindfulness, to create an understanding of how consent truly can play a factor in our lives, and how enriching that is. These aspects are some of the most valuable things gained from this lifestyle that have simply changed my life.

MrFulmen • Jun 3, 2021

I've learned different levels of understanding of consent at different times.

When I was little I had one parent who would bully me into doing what they said, and another who would talk things through and listen to what I said I needed. I wouldn't have been able to put it into words yet, but I got the feeling for which one felt better.

I was taught the simplistic "no means no" version in primary school. But there was precious little permission for saying "yes" to things.

In college I got the revelation of consent being not just a barrier for stopping bad things, but a tool for asking for what you want.

Entering kink community I learned the idea of enthusiastic consent, the importance of managing pressure, and "yes means yes."

Hanging out with sex workers opened my eyes to the limitations of enthusiastic consent.

Spending more time in kink community, I saw how often people would use consent as a way to cover their asses when they hurt people ("they should have used their safeword," "They asked for rough play") and started to appreciate how consent isn't an ethical panacea.

I'm working on wrapping my head around the ways that larger social forces influence consent. How it's harder or easier for different people to ask for what they want or to set boundaries based on ways that they are privileged or marginalized.

If you think you've learned about consent, keep your eyes open. There's probably more to learn!

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Jun 5, 2021

I had to google 'consent' to understand what it means.

In terms of vanilla sex, there is no explicit consent involved. I may meet someone on a night out or online, we may like eachother and maybe end up having sex. You may ask questions like do you practice safe sex, what do you like, etc. Does this fall under consent?

When it comes to BDSM, it's a complete different story obviously. You are constantly asking for consent and giving it.

To be honest I still don't understand what exactly consent is. It may just be because english is not my native language, but even the translation in my native language doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I can't find any examples in my daily life where I explicetly give or ask for consent. I guess the best example I could find, is when I ask my boss if I can take a day off.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Jun 5, 2021

@Truppensturm
"To be honest I still don't understand what exactly consent is."

When examining consent it might be helpful to include boundaries and social expectations.

For me consent is veiled heavily in general. Culture plays a huge part in how we interact. Culture implants notions we take for granted as " that's just the way it is" . Just like the mention of casual sex. At what point was consent given and does that mean anything goes?

I am just beginning to stir this in my head a little. I don't think consent can be given unless a person knows their limits. There is no line between " vanilla " and bdsm as it is all life and living.

Limits can be:
Touching feet
Pulling hair
Licking face
Saying " bitch"
Smelling sweat

Consent would be needed to touch feet, pull hair, say " bitch" or be sing of sweat. But your right it isn't often thought of that way.

I keep hearing others say that a connection in the arena of bdsm is between two consenting adults. Right? But I continue to chat with other subs who were not aware they had a say, or they were railroaded or that simply little communication was taking place.

This is why I am bringing it to the community. Not only to expend my understanding but to highlight an overlooked deficit. We should ALL be finding enjoyment and growth. But that is not the case.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Jun 6, 2021

consent - permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

My reply is specifically targeted toward consent in a relationship, dynamic, or playtime event.

In the superficial sense consent can be something as simple as agreeing where to go eat, what channel to run the tv to etc etc.

In a BDSM situation however, consent is not, and cannot be implied, taken for granted, or simply assumed. for me at least it goes much like this ...

A sub I had a brief time with some time ago. Our first in person meeting was a general "away from the keyboards getting to know each other a bit, including some nice dinner, a good movie, and plenty of basic vanilla conversation. At then end of the evening, she seemed a tad distraught, and I asked her what was the matter. Seems she had it in her head we were going to have some playtime. In as much as I personally was not just looking for a thrilling night, I told her I wanted to get to know her a bit, to see if we had any natural chemistry between us before introducing anything else into the equation.

THAT she understood and respected. Before she went home, I asked her if she wanted to continue to explore a possibility of a dynamic between us, and she happily agreed we should. The next time we met, we had a nice dinner, and a couple cocktails at my house. We had some nice conversation about what BDSM meant to each of us, and what we each were looking for, so I suggested we take a Yes / no / maybe quiz and then share the results of that quiz. I then made us each a copy of it, and as she went home for the second time with no playtime, I asked her to please select 4 activities that intrigued her, that we both indicated we had or wanted to explore, and we would discuss it on our next visit.

The third, and each subsequent time she visited, we would pick 2 activities from the lists, discuss them at length as to what they would or would not entail, or better put . what our hard and soft limits in each item were. After each encounter, we discussed each activity we had engaged in, what we each liked or did not like, or could do differently. In time, we had some favorites, but always remained open to adding more, and of course, safewords were in full use 100% of the time.

We never did anything that was not discussed beforehand, in detail, and mutually CONSENTED to at all times

Hope it helps --
Respectfully sub-mitted
~ID~

FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Jun 6, 2021

There is no line between " vanilla " and bdsm as it is all life and living.

This.

One of the things to remember about consent is that it MUST be revocable. "I know I said I wanted to have sex but now I don't." Just cause you kissed once before doesn't mean it is okay today.

Also culture plays a huge role in how we all learn and act around consent. Watch your favorite rom-com (maybe your second favorite cause this tends to ruin them). Does he EVER ask her for consent. After a NO does he continue to pursue her often to the point of stalking.

Just ask (before you do it)... It is sexy and wonderful and all the cool kids are doing it.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jun 6, 2021

This one took me the longest to understand. I understood one sided consent for a very long time. That I was responsible for making sure that someone was consenting and actually wanted what they were asking for, then it was my job to make sure they got it - so long as I of course too was willing. That is not the one sided consent I meant. I always knew of my ability to choose, a lot of my life I just worked on blurring that line.

it was the using it to understand that I too could want something and ask for it. Offer my terms and allow for someone else to enter into my consent and provide me with it. That it wasn't overstepping.

I was just brought up and kindly enough to only think consent was agreeing to give someone something they wanted/needed. That we had to agree, but it only ever worked one directionally.