Im a new Dom, with an more experienced sub.

I'm sorry. You aren't going to like my answer to your questions but I am going to post my opinion anyway.

I feel from reading your post that you don't quite know yourself yet and are still coming to terms with the dominant part of your personality. I get the feeling as if you are almost afraid of that side of you.

Over on fetlife there is a wonderful obedience training group. Within that group, there is a living slave training guide written by Dominus_Nox.
A poster there asked him how she should go about finding the right dominant partner. This is a part of his response. It is long but worth the read.

"...Look at the foundation of a man's dominance, especially his psychological integrity. A lot of men want to be dominant or at least be seen as dominant and these men usually utilize some socially acceptable attributes to convince you, i.e. their intelligence, their experience, sometimes their physics or their success. These Dominants are often misleading, because they lack the true connection to their own dominant side and try to fix it with other skills.

The foundation of true dominance is always a primal one, much more instinct than skill, much more cunning than intelligent, much more fundamental than just a character trait. The reason why D/s is so hot, is because it touches something primal in us, it excites us, without particular reason. You are looking for a man who's dominant, because he is in close touch with his primal self and has accepted and embraced it unconditionally.

So far the theory. In practice you can see the foundation of someones dominance within a group. Someone who is disconnected to his primal self generates a sense of superiority and distance within a group (or fails miserably trying). Someone who is close to his primal self instead will inspire a group without particular effort and radiate a sense of closeness without particular reasons.

The reason for this lies in the different levels dominance can be settled in within a person. If someone is "dominant", because he is intelligent, then his dominance will always speak the language of the consciousness and therefore is limited to dominate your consciousness. If someone is "dominant", because he kinda is horny, has lots of fantasies and loves to dominante in them, then his dominance speaks the language of the subconsciousness and is therefore limited to dominante your subconsciousness (and most of the time mess with your own inner daemons and desires). Only on the primal level will his dominance speak the language of unconsciousness will he reach that deep primal part in you, that understands true submission. You will know it then, because you will feel like prey to him and at the same time will feel happy and safe and understood for the first time, without reason. There will be no reason to explain his dominance and your submission..." Dominus_Nox


When you truly know yourself then you will understand that a relationship isn't a project, it is primal, instinctual.
Then you will be ready to meet her.

Good luck

I'm not sorry for my opinion. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I'm not giving it to the submissive in this instance instead of the Dominant.

I was her. I entered into a dynamic with someone that had no experience being in a dynamic or in any type of play session. He had never had any kind of participation in our world and was unprepared for a dynamic but like an idiot, I went forward with it.

I guess what they say about hindsight is true.

He identified as a brat tamer and was not one. He identified as a Daddy but really only got pleasure from the name not the actual role. Everything he thought he was...was wrong.

And how did he find out these truths about himself and his Dominant headspace?

In the end it was by hurting me. I turned into an experiment for him to decide what his real likes and dislikes were because I had been in the lifestyle since I was 17 and had the experience in different play styles and such so that he could easily experience many different types.

You are seriously going to hurt someone with the attitude you seem to have taken.

The "Dom/sub relationship should be apparent in the Kink Chat"?

What Dom/sub relationship? You haven't met. You can't truly connect on that level until you have...many times for long periods of time.

And you're going to lay out your kinks for her? No. You'll lay out what sounds interesting to you. You'll lay out things that the idea of turn you on. But until you fill in those ideas with experiences of them, you won't be able to know if that's a true kink for you.

How do you remain charming boyfriend and successfully masterful? Uh. You don't. If what she wants is a Dom...then that is what she will consider to be charming boyfriend material. If you mean in public, there are ways to exercise Dominance and having it appear to just be a gentlemanly protective boyfriend.

Your post honestly stresses me out that you have decided to enter a dynamic with no experience. Not only that, but a sub you say is experienced is allowing you to do that with her.

It's fun when a Dom gets ranty at sound advice.

Here's hoping the OP can read and learn from both what he agrees with as well as what challenges his current perspective.

Pity his allegedly 'experienced' sub if not.

The initial post, whilst full of the to-be-expected questions and slightly wince-inducing erroneous assumptions of the beginner (all of which have their place, as we all are learning), encouraged me because here is someone who is looking for resources and support. That I can respect.

The subsequent rejection of a finely-crafted response?

Oh well.

fandan
2 hours ago • 08/29/2021 5:38 am
Ingénue wrote: It's fun when a Dom gets ranty at sound advice.

------ "I think you might struggle to find any rants in my posts."

** Oh let me help you find it then: **

------ "fandan - More elitist, judgemental patronising nonsense."

** What your responses did was prove us right about your ignorance and inability to learn because your ego and that huge chip on your shoulder are in your way.

Elite? perhaps because that very experience you seem to admire so in us, is also what makes us see you as far from us in what you think you know. And makes us doubt you totally for your plug n play approach to something so delicate and dependant on balance.

judgemental? absolutely. Who do you think you are dictating what can be said to you and defending the indefensible attitudes you put out?

And patronising? Well, it is spelled patronizing. THAT is patronizing. **

** Your first lesson is right here. The toughest and most honest audience you will ever encounter in this lifestyle are the very type of submissives you wish to dominate. And since we get tied, incapacitated, beaten, and used, we do absolutely have the right to our no-nonsense opinions of your BS. But you're the know it all, so let's do this... invite your experienced sub friend, whom you've never met, to come on here and read this entire post. Let her see what HER contemporaries have to say to you and how mature your responses were. Then we'll see how much you have to learn.**

Right?
Right.