Personality catfish

Personality catfish

bloody belladonna​(dom female) • Sep 10, 2021

I have experienced an increase in men and woman talking to me and requesting me as their Dominant, they are polite and respectful….. until you turn them down, say no or respectfully tell them you don’t feel it’s a good fit, then all hell on earth breaks loose and a slew of creative insults follow…..

Not the personality you sold me!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

Ah. Well, I can't speak for others. But I can say that I've convinced people when they said "Not interested" and "no". Long story short. They didn't know "me". Had to explain it. changed their mind with agreements formed. End result is fun and happiness.

Some people assume I'm the worst person ever when they know nothing of the interactions. I ask "What don't you know?" This can apply yo your own preferences. How is X event being applied to Y person? It won't be the same as what happened with everyone else. I can garuntee that much. I can also garuntee your own wants/needs are important as well. To me at least. You won't understand why yet.

This touches on other topics. Like what's the "fair" way (which is 100% both ways. Which can take some talking into. I get misunderstood a lot for it at first but then things are great after).

So when people are being shut down that quickly... did you consider things with an open mind? Maybe that's why they flip out? Just a thought. It's on them if they don't challenge you. But it's also on you if you don't think outside the box. Both sides at fault maybe?

I can only speculate because I don't know the context of your events. Just some food for thought. And my own experience for comparison.

Btw, it's unhealthy to make it about "earning it" or "selling yourself". It's more about incentive and "Give and give". That's a bit technical. I can't really get into it without coming across as confusing in a public thread. Suffice to say "Each others happiness". Simple enough. But THEIRS matters as much as YOURS. Are you considering that when before you reply to whoever contacts you beforehand? Or is it you think of only now when I ask?

bloody belladonna​(dom female) • Sep 10, 2021

Yes that is all true, I know my post makes it seem like snap judgement on my part but I can assure you it is not, I will talk and discuss for a fair while, I am also willing to compromise as like you said it’s an arrangement for both parties involved, I would like to say however, let’s pretend i speak to them for 5 minutes and I make a snap judgment, this still doesn’t not give anyone the right to go off the rail and attack me or anyone for that matter.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

Mmm... You're making it about "right". I view this as a mistake.

It IS their own actions. Right/wrong has nothing to do with it. Same goes for "should". Or "shouldn't".

However, there is action and reaction. Choice and consequence. Let's be realistic here. Many people are flawed. Some more then others. And will make many mistakes.

It's very frustrating isn't it? But in the end it's a misunderstanding.

Regardless, if someone makes a mistake, they make a mistake. And if they decide it's their right, then it's their choice. You can claim otherwise. But it goes against choice itself if you do. If someone means and intends to do what they do.

I think what you're actually saying is that you're concerned about people that can't control their temper. Which is valid. The "out of control" situation.

When you walk away from that situaition it means you didn't know how to handle it without resorting to avoidance. Bluntly speaking, it means you're incapable of handling the situation. And changing it for the better.

Did you focus on trying to get straight answers? I find that helps a lot. Did you "ask them enough?" Think of it as trying to find out about them. You have to know someone to know what they're worth (or not). But it has to be "found". Full story basically.

In all honesty, can you tell me you got the full story? Or did you "give up" before getting it? I honestly can't tell either way. Hence why I'm asking.

bloody belladonna​(dom female) • Sep 10, 2021

That is true, but hey it’s just my opinions and not how I would act.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

Except you said it's true. Doesn't that mean it's how you acted? Are are you saying it's a better approch for situations?

I'm still confused about wherever you asked enough or not. The question remains unanswered.

bloody belladonna​(dom female) • Sep 10, 2021

Yes I asked enough, you would of had to have been there to know why I fully mean. No it’s not how I acted, I always remain open, respectful and kind.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

It's what you're not doing that's telling me the most. Your words so far are a bit... too perfect.

You'll know your own interactions better then I do. Based on what you told me earlier it sounds like the other person didn't give you enough of a reason to find out (their bad wording or lack of it perhaps). This brings up another factor though.

What if they don't know how too explain even if they want too? It's that... uncertainty that leads to such states of panic. So perhaps it sheds some light about why people do?

And logically, if you did ask enough, the misunderstandings would have been resolved. But if you don't know the right questions to ask or know how to get them to ask you then you don't know. If you did know then you wouldn't have had to avoid each other and would have been able to improve on your interactions. Logically. Any 2 people can do it. But some can be... more difficult then others. Wherever it's worth the effort? Well, logically, if you don't keep trying then you don't find out. The "conditions" have to be right, basically.

Condtions range from "agreemnts" to "consistency". etc. Proper communication is easier said then done for most. And it's not done with being kind at times. What if you were too kind and not firm/direct enough?

It's a bit hard to explain without examples. It's like, don't deal in sympathy and make sure you're upfront and honest with each other. Before anything else. And I do mean BEFORE anything else. If you get bullshitted, call it out.

To put it another way what if you're giving that kindness too quickly and aren't mean enough? (but also controlling it). Which, strangely, can lead to being even more kind then ever. It's a bad enahnces the good kind of thing.

Not talking about just that specific interaction btw. I mean in general. Firm on the left hand yet gentle with the right?

bloody belladonna​(dom female) • Sep 10, 2021

Yeah I can see that, I hadn’t really thought much from that perspective. I have just had to change how I do things I think, I will give you an example of what set me off on this rant. I have always been up front about not having a very sexual interaction within how I enjoy things, I don’t mean zero sexual interactions but I’m not an overlay sexual being. I had someone talk to me for about a week, we got in very well, discussed what I liked and wanted and what they liked and wanted, we came to a good agreement and decided to still keep talking to make sure we definitely wanted to get into this.

He then asked me to send a video of myself touching myself (which I had already said I am uncomfortable doing) I then repeated what we had discussed and explained again that I am not comfortable doing that, he kept on asking and asking and trying to convince me, I remained calm and was upfront that it was not going to happen…. This then, once polite person who I felt a good connection with went from being pushy to straight up calling me a stupid b***h, saying that imugly anyway and that he was as just bored do thought he would “play” with me, he said I was a sh*t Domme because I didn’t for him etc.

This is why I wrote my rant

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

Current situation aside, what if you're just worrying when you can have more fun then you're not yet aware of? With sex in general that is. That's clearly not the best way to get people to explore though. "Finding out" is one thing. "Obligations" are another. I see the problem as that obligation here. Like it was expected from you without agreement. Unless you agreed to that for some reason (in which case you chose to be in that situation). Keep in mind i'm looking at the situation as objectively as possible.

My only concern here is if this bad expreince will give you a fear of intimacy. Which includes sex. Not engaging in sex is one of the signs of it. Then again maybe no one's given you enough of a reason too. This guy clearly didn't. I actually don't trust anyone that is too "nice". I see that for what it really is. But if someone is logical (mean or not) then that's another matter. eg: "Who looks past the monsters and tries to understand?"

I also find if you don't struggle at the start then events go to shit later. This is exactly why I call people into question ASAP. Maybe it's a week of arguments at first. But then it's all uphill (and remains that way in my own experience). I see it this way. Get it over with and move and focus on the good things. Make it clear what you both want/need and form those agreements right at the start. Know and understand each other as much as you can (with what matters). You want things. I want things. How can we BOTH get what we want/need? How can we PLAY together?

Catch 22 with that. Sometimes people assume because they don't know enough yet. Often a sticking point. But also what resolves things. Comfort zones. Getting stuck in them. Exploring more to find out you was missing out. etc. You're open minded. I'm sure you get it.

It's been nice finding out about you. You showed me exactly what I wanted. The "struggle". It's good to hear you're not falling into the trap of living up to peoples expectations without agreements. Some might say consent. I always call it agreements. It's all that works things out.