Defeated :( Help me

No Body​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2021

There is is a song that says "It will all get better in time". It will and I know it will. We are not given more than we can handle. The problem is when we do have more than we can handle we do not know where to go or who to talk to to help share the load. I absolutely love this place as you can ask anything and not be judged. So many think they are alone when if the look down they are following the same footsteps as so many others.

You are not alone and do not walk the path of loneliness by yourself. You have so many here to lean on and talk to about things as you have found out. So it may take time to find the one right for you as happens with so many others. We are humans and we change with every day. Just look back and think about this time last year and see if you have not changed. You are stronger and wiser than you think you are. My own saying is "the dumbest question ever heard was the one not asked". Look you have asked! How wise you are to reach out for friends and answerers. In reaching out you have found more than just answers but friends. We maybe not what you are looking for but right now we are what you need. So many open arms willing to lend a hug or a water proof shoulder.

Yes there are fakes and players there always has been and will be. But it will get better in time it always does. Talk to us get to know who you can talk to and who not. Make friends and learn to trust as well as not trust. There will be one to reach out to you and take your hand forever but it will take time to find that one. Once you do it will get better just give it time. Until then come laugh play and cry when needed there are many water proof shoulders here.

SubLoveCle​(sub female) • Oct 10, 2021

I ran into this as well at first. In addition to the other great advice, I found that being more specific about what I wanted - and what I didn't want - helped. As I refined my profile, based on what I was experiencing and the feedback I received, I found I began attracting the Doms that hold my interest. So yes, it takes a bit of time to figure out what you want and then express it in your profile. During that time, you can filter out the fake Doms (or subs) who try to misuse the newbies. And I want to welcome you and the fact that your finding a way to embrace what is inside you. It can be hard, but life is much better once you do.

BTW, the way I understand the term "fake" Dom, its referring to Doms that aren't interested or willing to put in the work to actually establish trust. They want U to give them control on Day 1. And they often don't take time to get to know who U are as a person, your just another sub to screw with or dominate. But any genuine, healthy BDSM relationship begins with building trust, not giving/following orders.

Valore • Oct 10, 2021

didnt read until the end of the messages, but a fake dom/me is someone who is not there for the individual, but for the kink alone.
That is a very generic and broad method of describing it....

A Fake Dom/me:
-uses fear and intimiation to gain submission
-Physically or emotionally abusive
-repeatedly pushes limits or ignores safewords
-avoids communication without reason
-mainly wants sex or money



A Real Dom/me:
-Gains submission with trust and respect
-has self control and care for the sub's wellbeing
-respects limits and safewords
-Communicates regularly within reason
-Works hard as a Dom and accepts responsibility


There are unfortunately a long and not so distinguished list of things
that weren't mentioned above, but it's a start.


There are many methods of finding out more information like...
anything as basic as searching up "what is a fake dom" on google.

Re: Defeated :( Help me

Valore • Oct 10, 2021

First of all. Thank you for reaching out.
It takes courage to admit you could be way over your head and to hope for help in a situation that seems helpless.
As you've likely noticed... you are not alone.

I would like to post a few links to some of my blog posts and encourage you to take a look. It is very late for me and real life responsibilities require me to sleep early tonight.... but I saw your post before i closed out... and I couldn't ignore a blatant request for help.
I'm also open to starting up a friendship if you feel comfortable in doing so. No pressure at all... simply talking about random things or anything friends would do yadda yadda... I offer this because I know how difficult things were for me when I first joined. I get about half the amount of messages per day now compared to the insanity before and It helped tremendously to have someone to talk to. I was lucky. I'm not so sure I would have survived without them.
So, Understand that I will not be offended or hurt if you decide you would rather not talk further, but please at least consider the links. They could very well be helpful... even if they are quite long, lol.

1. https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=62461&blog_id=132760
2. https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=61513&blog_id=132760
3. https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=62212&blog_id=132760

There are many people who have blogs as well with lots of information. I hope these help you on your journey. Keep on keeping that chin up! You are amazing.

EclecticRhetoric​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2021

Hi I would recommend.

1- take your picture off.. replace with pictures of things that interests you

2- have patience
3- set consistent boundaries ex. All doms must wait 2 weeks or 1 month before chatting off of the site. All doms must wait 2 months before meeting in person. Video session required before meetinf etc.

Consistency reduces rushed actions and emotional let downs. Create consistency on the type of Dom you want

4- learn more about the actual lifestyle. Go-to events read up on different forms of submission and terminology

5- have a sub friend. Onljne or offline. Create friends so your not alone in this lifestyle.

6. Have other hobbies and stop looking. If your not looking the right Dom will come to you.

Trust and believe the site is worth it if you follow those rules

Banemus​(dom male) • Oct 10, 2021

A little bit off topic, does anyone know of a similar website which contains more European people?

greenharlot • Oct 10, 2021

I feel you. Most of the doms I met just pretended. I never met a real dom.