In the bedroom Vs Everyday life

In the bedroom Vs Everyday life

megancholy​(sub female) • Oct 21, 2021

Hey everyone! I am trying to figure out if I am some sort of strange entity or why people seem confused by who I am…

As my profile states, I am only a sub in the bedroom. As far as every day life, I am very dominant. I am often described as intimidating. In the bedroom however, I relinquish control completely and love to be used and abused. Psychologically, this makes perfect sense, as every control freak like me needs a release…a time to not be the one dictating things. Am I flawed in my thought process?

I ask because it seems to be a baffling concept to most. I have it blatantly stated on any site I’m on, and yet, daily I have someone trying to degrade me within their first two messages to me (hey there pig slut or the like). Just this week, I have had two guys wanting to be my “dom”…then came the rules…no communication with other men, answer their msgs within 5 mins, etc. I have chalked it up to a bunch of wanna be doms, but am starting to wonder if I’m the weird one…

Thoughts?

CSI • Oct 21, 2021

Traditionalists would say if you are only a sub in the bedroom, then you are a bottom rather than a submissive. As a submissive is involved in day to day power exchanges.

As for the men in your inbox, it happens as soon as you post that you are a) female, b) new, c) show any skin, d) mention your favorite things in different forum posts, and e) write explicit or implied invitations in your profile. It comes across as that is what you want/desire and are looking for and that they can just bypass the formalities of "getting to know you". Not saying that it should happen at all, in any way, shape or form. But it does. It seems to subside as you find your place and become "boring". When you are new and "fresh meat", the sharks start to swirl and take advantage and overwhelm women that don't know better (or at least they hope that you don't). Lol.

LeaderLovingLife​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2021

We play many roles in life. That may include being a sister, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a boss, a role model, a spouse, and the list goes on and on.
In each role we act differently. You wouldn't talk to a parent the way you would to your child. You just automatically pick up the mantle that matches the role and run with it.
If you are a sub at heart but you are good at organizing, coordinating, communicating, and inclusion, you may end up in dominant or a leadership role. In my experience, some women that find themselves in those roles need a release. They want to step away, maybe in the bedroom, and NOT need to make a single decision. They mentally and emotionally need to release the responsibility and be the ideal sub.

megancholy​(sub female) • Oct 21, 2021

CSI- I don’t think switch would fit me as I am not in to dominating men, which is why I’ve stuck with the sub classification…more so, I prefer to classify myself as a slut, but I fall on the sub side of things.

Leader- that’s my point…the only time I get to release power is in the bedroom

CSI • Oct 21, 2021

I didn't say switch. I said bottom. As in you are in the bottom position of power, also know as the "being told what to do" position solely in the bedroom. It means you do not participate in active submission outside of the bedroom, sexual activity, or scene.

megancholy​(sub female) • Oct 21, 2021

Cis, my mistake i thought I said switch and didn’t go back to re read it…bottom to me is reserved more for bi/gay men…bout you’re not wrong

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2021

My advice is you do you, ignore, and don’t allow yourself to be defined by others ideas. Submission is submission whether in the bedroom, outside the bedroom or both. You get to decide where and when, in what context, and to whom you submit.

Bottom, top in a gay context is in regards to whom gives and receives anal, and in that context someone who does both is referred as versatile. In a bdsm context, I and others feel, but not all agree, a bottom is someone who enjoys sensation and activity without submission or being a submissive. Some though feel that because submissives are bottoming that that defines them as bottoms. Dominants referred to as tops because they are topping. I don’t agree with these definitions, because topping, or bottoming is a different headspace, level, lack of creativity, energy use, making to submission and dominance, so are their own thing, and are mostly separate.

Regardless of my thinking, or others, you do what is right for you, and where and when it is right, and look for someone compatible with that, who respects and appreciates you for being you. Unfortunately horny net guys, wannabes, asshats, fantasists and abusers won’t, they will not read your profile, won’t care about who you feel you are, and will launch into their bullshit nonsense. These types are best ignored and blocked.

I wish you the best on your journey, and I hope you find a good match for you.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 22, 2021

megancholy​,

Bottom is the term. It is not exclusive to gay participants. Bottoming and topping are all about the bedroom or play session. Both go back to neutral, vanilla relating after as they did in the day-to-day.

Changing your moniker to bottom will help reduce the conga line of ignorant opportunists only here because they want to believe that they can be assholes and get away with it. You can't fix ignorant and broken. In time we all learn to just delete and block them. They have no relevance to this world or what we do in it with intelligence and emotion.

As far as your control-freak dominant personality. (your words) Pretty much every sub or slave I've known who had qualities and long-term investment was very strong. Many of us have highly responsible jobs and still come to our surrender not as an escape but as the authentic full circle of the best of who we are.

I only get involved with and submit to very strong men. If it is true that my submission mirrors my partner and his dominance mirrors me... how can that happen if there is no equality in who we are in our strength? Like two dancers who must match steps and rhythm to compliment the music.

If you are a healthy and evolved dimension of strong. If you are in a responsible position and handle it effectively and with humanity, cool. Then offset that however you want to and be proud of who you are.

However, if the depth, proportion, and scop of your strength is off-kilter then I suggest you do more than allow certain treatment in the bedroom. Without growth and balance that will never be enough for you.

There will always be people who press their noses to the bakery window and believe they know what those cakes taste like. But they don't. they're guessing. So too, do we have them here, pressing their noses to the window. Learning the words. Typing in caps and pontificating and asking far too much with no sincerity at all.

The best rule of thumb is simple. The instant they rush you to give more than they deserve. The instant they want your name, phone number, and loyalty unearned, you stop cold in your tracks. Like a bad salesman, they just want you to commit before you come to your senses. It isn't a lack of knowledge or confusion or a need for you to set them straight. You've already seen all they have to offer.

The less focus you give them the happier you'll be.

H*

Richlydefined​(sub female){Gardener} • Oct 22, 2021

I'm a lot like you. In the day-to-day I am the one in charge, I am many people's go-to person for far too many things and when things go wrong I'm the first person who gets called and the one who has to continue on guiding the rest.

But in private, for the right person, I let all of that go. I say "in private" because it's not just in the bedroom. It is a part of my home life as well. I enjoy serving others, I'm a caregiver and the comfort of those important to me is paramount. It brings me fulfilment to serve in little ways and I can be very timid, quiet, a bit overly attentive and nervous at times. I have trouble because unless you have known me privately it's hard to believe that I'm submissive; it's also one of the only times people find how sensitive I am. That's because as soon as I step out the door I become an entirely different person; calm, in control, brash, bold and ready to face everything head-on with cool logic and critical observation.

I get messages like the ones you do too. The same yahoos who think that just because I've attached submissive to my name that I will be submissive at their whim. That is NOT how I operate and they learn that quickly because if they have chosen that approach I can be very mean and I honestly do not care if they have an issue with that. I'm selective. If I'm going to show someone that private vulnerable side of me they have to be worthy of that and people who assume anything out of the box based on only the limitied information they have from observing me in public or reading about my dual nature do not fare well with me.

So, as someone who is similar, NO, you are not wrong to approach things the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you, or with how/when you choose to submit and anyone who tells you otherwise isn't worth your time. Ignore those who see dominance and submission in black and white that will try to stuff you into some box for their convenience. Use the (undoubtedly formidable) skills from both aspects of your personality to seek out people who actually have the mental capacity to understand the great depths and nuances of the roles we claim for ourselves.

DarkNight​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2021

Your initial instincts were correct, its unlikely that these are real Doms. As another member already mentioned, they're counting on the possibility that you don’t know any better. To answer your question, sounds like you are a “bedroom submissive” (or bedroom slave depending on the degree of exchange). Most subs fall within this category, at least in the beginning, and progress over time. The only difference between a "sub" and a "bedroom sub" is that the sub serves her Dom both in and out of the bedroom. This is mostly because she has a desire to do so. However, a sub who serves outside of the bedroom can also be a slave, depending on the degree of exchange. That being said, you are not confused at all. SubtleHush made a good point - taking the title of “Bottom” communicates a less submissive posture. As a bottom, only you decide when and where you intend to submit. But by no means should anyone expect you to submit your Will in an instant.