POLY??? How does it work?

POLY??? How does it work?

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Oct 21, 2021

I'm very interested to know how a true poly dynamic works?

What are the steps?
What are possible pitfalls?
How do you overcome those pitfalls?
What makes it successful and lovingly?

All comments, examples, experience shared and guidance is much appreciated!

Morley
🤍

JustGreenie{Lona Alofa} • Oct 22, 2021

Ohhhhhh I am following this. I am too interested in this, it actually made it on my list of things to explore.

Redneck Kitty​(sub female){(mdlg)} • Oct 22, 2021

I am poly and I love it. It works very well for me but it's a balancing act for sure

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Oct 22, 2021

there are different kind's of poly but can be broken down to two basic both require love one involves sex between all and the other does not. but truth and honesty are required for both. from these two requirements a poly life can be worked through for all can be happy and have a happy life. Mari

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2021

I would say that the first step in beginning a poly relationship is determining that it is what you want. I have seen people try to maintain ENM relationships for their partners and it never seems to be sustainable. Poly is a lot of emotional work for a whole different kind of reward. After that, the biggest step is staying on top of your emotional labor. If something is bothering you, speak up! Poly people still deal with things like jealousy and feelings of being undervalued. We just make it a point to never allow these feelings to fester unshared. Get to know your metamours as well. I’ve seen so many ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situations collapse because a partner creates this image of a metamour that can’t be lived up to. Everyone in your polycule is a human, just like you.

Most of the pitfalls I have seen are related to misconceptions from the start. It is fairly common to think that men are less capable of ethical non-monogamy than women. This leads to situations like the ‘one penis policy’ where the relationship is entered with the caveat that female partners can have as many female partners as they want, but only one male partner is allowed. This is not to say that this situation does not work for some, but to operate under the assumption that this is just how poly goes paints the whole community in a poor light. Another misconception is that poly relationship means that you cannot cheat. Cheating in a poly relationship amounts to violating the consent of your other partners, just like in a mono relationship. The only difference is that consent is given for different kinds of connections in a poly relationship. One of the most difficult pitfalls I have dealt with in poly relationships is when people enter into them under the assumption that poly means you will never have to break up with anyone. You will still have to break up with people when necessary; probably more often than in a mono lifestyle. It takes a lot of emotional preparation to go through with poly breakups, but many find benefit in the support network maintained by the remaining partners (hopefully, on both sides).

Overcoming these pitfalls is actually pretty simple. Maintaining open and honest communication will almost always do the trick.

Find success in poly by maintaining realistic expectations. ENM allows you to explore in ways you may not in a mono relationship. You may find yourself taking risks with partners that you would not otherwise. If you choose a partner based on good looks, don’t be too upset if the emotional component isn’t there. If you opt to date someone based on immediate passion or a shared interest, don’t be surprised if you are bored with them six months down the road.

And, for fuck sake, don’t ever take your emotional labor workhorses for granted. Especially when you first start out, you will likely find that there is one particular partner who provides a necessary level of stability and emotional support that really facilitates your exploration.
Don’t ever take this person for granted, and make certain that this does not become one-sided.

Poly is not for everyone, and it requires work, but it is not as difficult as many think it to be.
The rewards are more than worth the effort, in my opinion.

AngelBunny • Oct 24, 2021

As my Master searches for a second slave, I am having to work through my insecurities and trust issues in a way I never have before. This has little to do with him because he keeps showing me that his feelings for me don't change and he stays consistent in demonstrating that to me. He involves me in the process by letting me get to know a potential third and he is open to hearing my thoughts and concerns. He also developed an agreement that everyone in our polycule would consent to. As I have made progress I find myself excited to find our third. I have been reading a book called Polysecure which so far has had me think about my attachment style and what struggles my attachment style has.

DanielBelum​(dom male) • Oct 24, 2021

AngelBunny, I'm going to recommend Polyamory Toolkit for help with insecurities and trust. https://www.polyamorytoolkit.com/

The funny thing about successful polyamory is that it forces you to examine those feelings (fear, insecurities, etc) where in my (non-poly) relationship could avoid dealing with those.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 25, 2021

What are the steps?
What are possible pitfalls?
How do you overcome those pitfalls?
What makes it successful and lovingly?

As someone that has a poly heart that always gets broken...I'm enjoying the answers. thanks for the link DanielBelum, Id not seen that one.

Every time over the years I thought I could of answered what you asked, if you asked me a year or a decade later, it would morph. I think for myself and mine, being 100% transparent and being open to change is what made them work, when they did! (ave 7 to 10 years) It was also the only constant. I'd also add we all ended as friends, we all still talk regularly and are part of eachothers lives. Everything is still entwined, just not play (although we would maybe if still local)...so I guess we did..kinda.. get the majority "right" just not the longevity. Thats the "secret" answer I still search for. I also now wonder does it ever last ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Bunnie • Oct 25, 2021

As someone still very new to accepting and being “out” about this aspect of myself (and actually I’m not poly… it is my preference to be in a “harem” style household, so although I’m monogamous, my Master would be poly), there’s not a lot I can share. MrAshmodai answered this so well, it was great being able to read that.

So why am I responding?
I tend to view being polyamorous as much the same as sexual orientation (but our emotional connection orientation aspect instead). We simply are what we are. I don’t tend to be of the mindset that someone can choose to become poly. I think that’s where disaster lives… the many, many horror stories we hear. Round pegs trying to fit into square holes because they think it sounds cool or more commonly, because they’ve fallen for someone who is poly. I don’t see it as something to achieve or begrudgingly tolerate. I see it simply as a recognition that the traditional way of a one-on-one relationship doesn’t fit right for some… just as vanilla sex doesn’t fit right for some… or an equal power dynamic doesn’t fit right for some.
I always knew a monogamous relationship didn’t feel right for me, but I never knew there were alternatives. Now I know. It still took a little while to narrow down specifically “my style,” which of course makes the dating pool smaller and smaller each time, the more we tend to stray from the mainstream path, but as far as I’m concerned, all that any of this is about, is being true to ourselves, and finding the right fit for that.

I agree it’s difficult. Everyone involved has to be willing to take responsibility for themselves, each other, and what they’re creating together. I say that if you can’t relationship well one-on-one, you have no chance in hell of being able to add more to the mix and have a successful outcome. These relationships bring all your demons to the surface… and it has to be that way. It’s transparency, vulnerability and intimacy at its most potent. But there’s also balance, harmony and a wholeness that can come about when things are functional.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2021

I used to think that I could never do poly until someone pointed out to me that I had already done so many times. Of course my version was super cliche: me and multiple subs. And in every case it was me with a little, plus one or more subs who were not littles. And everyone always knew about everyone else, and all of these relationships were just as loving and caring and affectionate as they would have been separately.

I hate to admit it but every other time I had the opportunity to have a non-monogamous relationship it was only a matter of time before that whole ugly jealousy thing started building up inside. That has always been the biggest pitfall for me.

And what are the steps? Well, you could actively seek out people who are poly, but ultimately a person can love more than one person at a time, and you love who you love. So it kind of works itself out.

I think. I may have mentioned that I do not have any in-depth experience with that, so I may have no idea what I'm talking about.