1 year ago • Apr 24, 2021
SubtleHush(sub female) • Apr 24, 2021
SuperEight I think for many, pain is largely misunderstood. I'm not a medical doctor but lord knows, I've sent more than a few on really nice vacations and I know that when we think about pain, we think "this or that hurts" but what is really happening is a much more systemic thing. Your whole body, being connected, compensates. All your regulators are affected. Blood pressure goes up, respiration changes, you might salivate more. etc.
You are legitimately exhausted because your entire body is working very hard which takes a toll.
I battled Leukemia through two of the three most important relationships I had. And was recovering from my second bone marrow transplant for the third one. So yes I do get what you are saying.
How I see it:
Plenty of relationships end when one gets sick and the other is selfish and doesn't want to be a partner, just the one who gets to play. (I've seen this too many times for my taste)
You have someone who sees all of you. That is pretty great. So you doubting your worth is in essence slapping his choice in you. Please don't do that. It is bad for the relationship and bad for your health.
If you're pushing through the pain and making yourself work and be all you were before this? You are not letting yourself get well. I live with a lot of chronic pain as well. But I try not to exasperate it. I try not to be my own worse enemy due to my own self-imposed perfectionism.
Relationships change because people change. Seems he is willing to change with you. In that case, you are blessed.
I call it the new normal. We think about getting well to mean going back to before we had these issues, but that version of us is gone. Just as we systemically respond to these challenges, so too do we adapt.
After fifteen years of Leukemia and all the recovery and interventions, you bet I am changed. And I have scars and a port a cath in my chest and the gray hairs are coming etc.
It is important to me that I am accepted for who I am today. But who can do that If I reject myself and criticize myself?
I buried two wonderful Doms. Relish in what you have with him. Be grateful you are still functioning and able to care for each other. You might not be the perfect sub... but I say to that, thank god. Perfection is seldom real or useful in this world we live in.
Whether he is beating you, sexing you, or making you soup, he is saying you are enough right now. Don't be foolish enough to miss it. Not that many get to have that experience.
You are a blessing right as you are now. Take heart in that.