We're all human beings with different preferences

We're all human beings with different preferences

Victoria Bell • Nov 8, 2021

What about practicing kindness.Personally I have no bad experiences in here but I read some forums where both man and women get frustrated by the way others reply , ask questions or make demands.What I am trying to say is that is very easy to ignore messages or reply
with a dry "No thank you " but what if we instead reply to inappropriate messages in a light-hearted manner and thank the other for reaching out and than politely pass on whatever they offer .Pay them a compliment and wish them good luck in finding what they are searching for .It might change the way that person interacts in the future.How awesome is that.It only takes one minute longer to be kinder.

Rainfive​(sub female){Not lookin} • Nov 8, 2021

I am kind most of the time and in the right circumstances. How would a person learn if the behavior does not get addressed properly though? And would that apply to all life circumstances? I can think of quite a few scenarios that I would not respond yo with kindness.

I just don't answer to messages that cross the line. I did kindly decline someone's offer here once and it was not taken well.

Your post made me think though. Thank you for that.

Re: We're all human beings with different preferences

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Nov 8, 2021

I'm not saying dont be "nice" but...

I always tend to be polite in replies and over the decade I've spent many an hour crafting well written replies with suggestions on what might work differently or make their offer more appealing..or perhaps just a different way to go about what they hope to achieve. Not in a smarmy, I know better way or trying to dominate them. More, If you like, provide food for ..further..thought!

But then a friend said to me one day, "oh so your the one I can blame for teaching assholes and it taking longer for me to spot them! You know leopards don't change spots"

...she did have a good point, sometimes your just delaying the inevitable. Some people don't want to change or grow or it maybe just isn't their time to hear what you have to say because they aren't ready to hear it. Not all people are good people with pure of heart intentions, just because they are into BDSM. In fact a lot of bad hides behind our walls, should we teach it how to?.

Yes I like to hope more of people and think the best of people but sometimes what you see is what you get and no amount of "nice" will change them. My friend might have credence to her words and all we do is teach them to fly lower under the radar. Even narcissistic asshats are capable of learning better ways to be an asshat.

Sasa​(dom female) • Nov 8, 2021

I see your point, and I know there is a person behind any mail. I took the time and answered kind and friendly... but it doesn't work always. I tend to be clear today and shorter. It's what I learned. I mean, most here are looking for someone and we have to watch out. It's about being kind to yourself and that means sometimes that acting "nice and friendly" is not always helpful. Not for others and not for us.
What MissBonnie said is true.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 8, 2021

Same here. I'll be civil and respectful until and unless the other side of the coin starts sounding un-civil and presumptuous. Then I slide out of the conversation as gently-as-possible. But sometimes there are those who are unable to take "No thanks" for an answer and get huffy about it so I respond somewhat in kind, for all the good that doesn't really do- and close the conersation. It's the same for me either IRL or online by the way.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){LJ} • Nov 8, 2021

To be honest, I have tried responding politely before but all it does is encourage more inappropriate behavior. Most times, they’re probably sending the same inappropriate messages to multiple women hoping for one that takes the bait either because she’s too new or insecure or whatever to know she should run.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 8, 2021

i think there are some great, insightful replies to this.

Kink communities are 'edgey' to start off with, it's a place where non normative people come to meet and try and connect. i think kink communities also attract more than their fair share of sociopaths, or to a lesser degree, people who have not developed social skills associated with civil, polite interaction.

There's been a lot of discussion on this site about people who want "instant" gratification, we even come up with terms like "instadom" to describe individuals who seem to believe that using the label "dom" confers automatic authority that should result in immediate compliance with their wishes. And so as not to be biased, i see "instasubs' doing the same thing from the other side of the slash.

Point being, kink communities attract more crazies, and frankly, there are lots of people in dominant, heteronormative culture who think we are all nuts and 'perverts,' whether we go about it with kindness or not.

"We're all human beings with different preferences," but unfortunately, we're not all civilized, and as others have noted, there are those who do not care to be civilized, and even think their identity confers privilege that excuses them from exercising civility. It can be shocking, because civilized people just sort of expect that as a way of life, but there are those who reject civilization, and i think BDSM communities are gathering places for a lot of them.

JustGreenie • Nov 8, 2021

When I receive messages that are quite graphic in nature to what this person expects of me immediately or is just rude and ignorant in their first impression email, at times I choose to ignore them to end the attention seeking behavior they presented in the first place. In the beginning I would send a tasteful decline and wish them the best, but would get hateful and angry responses back. I will not be barraged with angry responses because they were politely rejected.

With the Cage, your profile and normally first interaction , via email, bond or chat, is the first impression and is usually what gives us an idea of what they want. If someone is going to present themself looking for their “anal princess” and demands pics immediately, they will be blocked immediately. Such behavior should not be placed upon the receiver of such messages. I tried to be nice in the beginning but now have just tossed the towel in and learned how to be more accepting in using the block button.

Food for thought: Remember that your first impression is that email or message you send a person. Just like a job or in life, it is what introduces you and set the pace of peoples thoughts of who you are as a person. Don’t be a douche

LongerJohnny​(dom male){B&C} • Nov 9, 2021

Damn quote button is missing. Ugh. So...

Victoria Bell suggested:
"what if we instead reply to inappropriate messages in a light-hearted manner and thank the other for reaching out and than politely pass on whatever they offer .Pay them a compliment and wish them good luck in finding what they are searching for .It might change the way that person interacts in the future.How awesome is that.It only takes one minute longer to be kinder."

That's great in theory, but that tactic would almost certainly fail more often than it would succeed.

The reason is because those people who think that it is okay to send messages with inappropriate comments, intrusive demands, blatant insults, or just basic rudeness are frequently just assholes.
As such they are unikely to be impressed by light-heartedness and politeness, or dissuaded by kindness and compliments.
Add to that the mentality of those people that allows them to believe "she didn't block me or tell me no therefore she has left the door open for me to keep being an asshole."
So they will continue to be.

There will be plenty of times when the person just doesn't know better, or is inexperienced, or unfamiliar with the way that those messages are generally received. Maybe they were just in a shit mood and the unfortunate recipient of the message had to deal with it.

But my experience, and that of men and women that you read about in those forums, suggests that something stronger than a dry "no thank you" - up to and including blocking the person - is often the only way to stop that person from being an asshole.

At least to you. A lot of times that person moves on to the next person hoping that their asshattery is more successful with them. It sucks, but it is a sad reality of any messaging platform.

No Body​(dom male) • Nov 10, 2021

I have seen many times where a "thank you but no thank you" has cause more problems. When no becomes offensive to you then you have found where the problem starts. Hint its you.

I am not saying that I have not come off as the guy your mother warned you about but I have come in just below IRS auditor. I like to get to know people before trying to get the undressed and in front of a camera. Lets face it if you can't be honest and tell her I am looking for G R B and W then why are you doing here. Be honest and let them know what you want and where your coming from.

I have met some wonderful women here but I have my eyes set on a project that I need to start before I can let anyone in my life. I am set on a road that will take years before I can say it is truly started. Yes I am lonely but I have some great friends here. There is one who I hope will join me in my task but I need to make sure it is right before I ask. So I am polite and never ask for things I know will creep others out or make me look like Chester the Molester.

If all you want is right now there are sites for that this one is more long term and life long. At least we hope it is. If you look at someone and say "Oh wow she has a light around her" then talk to her and find out who she is and what she wants. Look in here eyes and see what is in here soul. If you see nothing then keep looking she is not what you need. Plus she does not need you.

thank you for letting me rant and rave a little. Happy Tails.