having a willing body isn't enough

having a willing body isn't enough

dananddawn • Nov 19, 2021

Pre-covid (and by the looks of things, post as well) I traveled a lot and went to many play parties and events. Then spent 5 years (part of the team) running a bdsm club in town. Add to that I am a natural flirt and outgoing and I found a lot of people who want to play with me.

But, your willingness to play is only a start. I am not looking for a physical connection so just flogging someones back or spanking doesn't do anything for me. Unless there is a more than physical connection. Unless you want to connect beyond our bodies. Unless we can share something - be it your first time, or mine; or vulnerability; or ...hells, something. Which is why I fear I am going to make a crappy swinger. I don't care about putting my dick in holes. I care about putting my dick in a human being that is getting something beyond the physical action of my 'tab A in slot b'

Dan

Bunnie • Nov 19, 2021

Agreed. It’s *all* about the connection for me. Thats where the real fun is imo. That’s why I don’t/can’t have a “kink checklist.” This has made it difficult at times to be an active part of my local community here, or even simply discussing this thing we call lifestyle with many people (on thecage or elsewhere), because for a large majority of people, it’s based mostly around hedonism… which is great! I do love the fun atmosphere around all of that, however, it’s just not my personality, so although I do partake at times and am quite active within the rope scene, mostly I just observe others enjoying exploring. Which does bring me a fulfilment in and of itself in a way. I love seeing people discovering themselves… that’s how I connect, and I guess in a small way, that is how I gain nourishment from the community if not in a way that meets my needs fully. Hopefully this makes sense as I’m running on mostly artificial sleep (coffee) today.

DrWakko • Nov 20, 2021

When it comes to play I can do it with or without a connection. The play is totally different. Without a connection, it is enjoyable, but its more going through the motions. If I had to compare it to travel, it would be like flying coach. No thrills, but you get where you are going. When you play with a partner or someone you have connection to its life flying first class. You get the full experience all the bells and whistles.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 20, 2021

While for many there has to be a connection to be a "real" kink, but actually there are no hard and fast rules in this activity. No "real" kinks and no false kinks. Just a personal choice or opinion. Nothing more, nothing less.

For me a willing body is more than enough. I'm not a sub. It doesn't define me, it's but a facet of who I am, how I get wet and get off..

Different Strokes for different folks.

nuovacane​(switch male) • Nov 20, 2021

The connection when our eyes meet when I'm spanking a woman that shows she's laughing inside and enjoying herself is one of those moments in life when you know all is good

Richlydefined​(sub female){Gardener} • Nov 20, 2021

I agree with this. I get offers for various activities (though most often on the internet) but I've never been one to go for a quantity over quality approach. The offers are cold, emotionless fights of fancy, often from people who are just looking for a willing warm body, and I know that I'll leave the encounter feeling colder and more alone than when I arrived. I have and will continue to turn down offers of play and sex or a combination of both until I find someone who wants more than those surface level desires. I'm willing and ready for many things but if it's not going to mean anything in the end I'd rather just skip it.

roughrider​(dom male) • Nov 21, 2021

I'll jump in here. If you're into sport fucking, hooking up, one/two night stands then the connections you tell yourself are fictional

If you really seek something lasting, real and long term then WTF are you doing?

The older we get then we know the smaller pool of REAL partners is the reality

Easy question, do you want the person from last night at breakfast tomorrow morning?

The reality is hook ups/ play dates etc is really just assisted masturbation if there isn't a real ongoing emotional/intellectual connection

I'm sure I'll catch shit for this but it's my opinion

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 21, 2021

For me this is not a simple yea or no answer. Understanding and accepting myself and my kinks has been a long journey.

For me "a willing body is not my first choice, my ideal," but sometimes, a willing body is all that presents when the need is there.

i 've come to view hook up sex as a sort of fast food for my soul. Is it healthy and nutritious? More often than not, no, but it can contain components that have helped sustain me. i'd rather have a dedicated relationship, but i think a lot of us can attest to the fact that is often easier said than done. For instance, with half of all marriages ending in divorce, apparently having more than a body is not always enough either.

A couple of things i have learned and experienced from hook up sex.

Sometimes i have been surprised and a hook up turns into a profound connection. While a ltr works to sustain and build connection, connection can happen in the moment.

Something else i have learned is: what we often look for in a whole package with one person, can be found in pieces with more than one person.

i doubt that one person can ever be everything, but i think we can find one person who can be enough. i don't believe ideal or perfect exists though.

i'm currently being pursued and pursuing a Guy. It's a really wild connection. We have some very strong compatabilities, but we also have some big differences. So far, the compatibilities are enough to keep the pursuit going strong, but both of us also wonder about our differences. i really hope we can sustain and build on what we have and believe He feels the same way... time will tell.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Nov 21, 2021

I'll have what hes having since he said it so well!

Bunnie • Nov 22, 2021

@ tallslenderguy,

I really like how you explained all of that. It makes perfect sense to me… especially your fast food analogy, and good point about marriage. Thank you for helping me see it from a different perspective.