The best way to be a leader is to not be a leader

The best way to be a leader is to not be a leader

dananddawn • Nov 26, 2021

We have run or co-run a number of groups, events, and a BDSM community center, since joining the community. Here is a perspective.

Run things you want to be a part of
I am amazed at the time and effort and energy running some of these things take. And from large events to simple munches, someone will shit on it at some point. So it is important to run things you care about and that benefit you. The polyamory, power exchange, and other stuff we’ve had a hand in are things that are an important part of our life and we am happy to share them with others.

Make decisions
There are three kinds of people - those that lead, those that follow, and those that stay on the side line. Ok, and a fourth - those that complain you do it ‘wrong’. Someone, no matter what you do, will complain you are doing it wrong and/or suggest better ways you can do it. Sometimes they have good intention, sometimes just the type of person who complains. We do our best to be open to all of these people and respond with anything from ‘I might try that’ to inviting you to be on (staff) so you can do it, or to advising you to start your own group and doing it the way you think it should be done.

But as we are leading a group, we lead it. We decide, we accept the consequences, and we don’t make a big deal out of it. If you want to lead, go for it. Often we hope you do a better job than we did so we can attend your stuff and not have to run anything!

Avoid democracy
Although we are currently involved in a multiple leader group, it is a challenge. Instead, a compassionate monarchy is the ideal approach. Although running things with family isn’t bad (and actually can be bonding), it takes people who are mature enough to know when to stand for what they believe, or bend, or recognize they don’t actually care and get out of the way. But nothing will kill your motivation like in fighting, drama, and politics. Even those with the best intention can make the process feel like molasses in just doing something.

Write it down
Write down why you are doing (this group). It doesn’t have to be long, or public, but it should be something you can refer back to when you start to wonder why you are putting the energy in or when someone suggests a better way to do it.

Don’t pay for it
If you have a group or event or something that is coming out of your pocket, then you better be darned passionate about it. Try to make things break even. The energy of things costing you money can lead you quicker to burn out.

Don’t take yourself so seriously
Running a munch, a group, a 1,000 person event, no matter, it really isn’t a big deal. It is hard work, and important to some, maybe even a homecoming. But don’t get caught up in you 'doing something amazing'. You are good at organizing some people. That is ok. But when people come over and pat you on the back and tell you how great you are…take it with a grain of salt. Take each compliment and criticism with the same welcoming ‘thank you, I’ll look at that’ and don’t get attached.

You are just someone who took responsibility for making something happen. That is good, and creative, and fun even on occasion. But everyone has talents. So smile and keep working. A Leader is that person who one day, while they are booking a conference room or putting away chairs, is surprised to hear someone refer to them as a leader.

dananddawn • Nov 26, 2021

For those of you who lead groups (of any size), what do you love about it? What do you regret about it?
And ... would you do it again?

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 27, 2021

Aside from leading groups, activities and all that, the one best quality for those who would lead--- is to lead by example.

Never ask of others what one wouldn't be willing to do themselves.

In many cases the best leaders are those who serve.

My three cents on "leadership"

A bit of an aside from the original post to which all I can say is in order to have a successful venture or activity, someone has to step up and take charge.