safety of subs and Doms.

safety of subs and Doms.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2018

I have been wanting to write about this topic for a while, being in a hidden online community can be difficult. Finding ways to ensure you are safe is important for both sub and Dom, the amount of people hiding behind titles online who are abusive either through a misunderstanding of D/s style or intentionally, isn't something that helps either subs or Doms. So here are a few recomendations i have and work with, i want to share them and create a safe space for others to say there bit too on how they ensure safety.
1, Respect.. if anyone speaks to you in a demeaning tone or asks demands of you simply becuse you have the title of sub this isnt apropriate in any way shape or form, you have not submitted and this shows how they might treat you if you do submit, is it worth that risk ? respect is a basic and yes that is for subs not just Doms.
2, safety, this can be broken into various areas so firstly lets look at meeting. Not everyone has family or friends who know about this side of there life, in various areas its underground. A way around this is firstly try to meet in public, a quiet corner of a pub or in the middle of a shopping centre somewhere you feel safe, your getting to know the person at this point so you dont have to talk hugely openly about BDSM unless your happy too in this setting. Another tip i would suggest is arange for a meeting or a catch up with friends over coffee after such a meeting so if you dont show people know your not about and can give you a phone call ect and check on you.
3, When considering limits, think of what can also be mentally harmful not just physicaly harmful. An example would be for me would be the term 'Bitch' as i was called it for years by a family member, it puts me back in a mentally damaging place. This is not a good place to be when trying to enter subspace, have a think of what would be amber or red in this regard, also if degradation is of interest to you, having this discussion prior might help to reassure both you and your Dom and provide some insight and context.
4, This one is a big one for me Physical safety, Doms help as much with this however they do need feedback from subs this is one of the reasons for subs having amber and red as options. Restraints wise, i highly recomed looking at anatomy first, nerve connections and channels and main artiries, you can also go into muscle placement. If you look at simple anatomy and google rope work images 70% are not safe. I dont know rope knots but i do know anatomy, there are ways around this but you need to red instantly if you loose feeling in your limbs, lightheaded ect. For Doms having the sub hold an item in each hand and if they drop it there is an issue possibly due to lack of circulation. I say this as its not just up to the Dom to have this responsibility especially newbie Doms or learning a new skill, they are relient on a subs feedback, you are not helpping either you or you Dom by not saying its okay to go its not working we will give it another go latter. It seriously is not worth the damage it can do, i would recomend to subs to learn some basic anatomy, this is for your own safety. Rope work is art and a skill yes, but safety is too, many images can be edited, just keep that in mind.


if i have left anything out or any other suggestions for staying safe feel free to say this is about sharing info and if i have not thought about something feel free to say safe space
rose xx

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2018

I have just realised I have centred this around only subs and Doms, I apologise, I can see elements applying to other groups too, my apologise. x

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Jul 31, 2018

This is very good rosethorn
Yes first meeting should always been in public. Get a second one too until you are satisfy about your partner
Your first session meeting too should be in an hotel or a safe place like Airbnb type not your own house! And if his/her own house is a bit too isolated ask for another meeting place.
But you cover most points, especially body safety. Ask how much he/she knows about ropes and never never let a rope around your neck! I know it’s sound stupid but it will and had happen

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2018

Thank you for your input, and your right, make sure you feel safe and meet in public until then, good idea about the house thing. Some of the images with rope are really misinformed as they are highly edited always best to learn things for yourself anyway x

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2018

Also, I went to learn how to kickbox, box and do self defence (all in one class) This isn't something that I necessarily recommend but it is something that has help to reassure me psychologically.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Jul 31, 2018

unfortunatly ropes are a big turn on for a lots of kinksters. There are munches where expert talk about ropes safety and teach few tricks, so its always good to attend munches or events

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Jul 31, 2018

not sure you would find a Dom after that lol !!

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2018

groups and classes are helpful, but I always think having a lot yourself is a good idea too as you know your body and its limits best. . Erm easily, I protect what is masters.
Unfortunately in reality, its just needed to safely go on a girls night out without being assaulted. x

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 31, 2018

*look (im like typo central atm).

MrDolly • Jul 31, 2018

Respect; this is an important one for me. I'd say 80% of the people that message me haven't even read my profile and the other 19.8% just ignore what's written there. That to me is a major red flag! I've only met 2 people on here that have respected boundaries.