Kink and vulnerability

Kink and vulnerability

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 1, 2022

One of my biggest frustrations in finding and developing a relationship is what i have come to see as fear of vulnerability.

i think the fact that we are in a place called "The Cage" is testament to the fact that most of us do not wear our kinks on our sleeve, that we look for a safe/r place where there are others like us. Some of us hope to meet someone special in community, someone we can share who and how we are with, intimately.

No doubt, sharing who we are, our deep needs and desires, means being naked and vulnerable. i've become pretty used to 'going first' when it comes to being naked and vulnerable. my experience has been many are simply not willing to go first, so i am practiced at taking the risk. Some of those "many" will reciprocate and open up, share some, if another goes first. Others don't, they just feed off anothers openness. i won't endure that for very long before realizing i don't have a fit.

i look for balance, or close to a response in kind... at least, eventually. i find connection can quickly become a situation where one is doing all the initial opening, and the other is enjoying the initiators vulnerability, staying safely buried. Or they open much more slowly, creating an imbalance the longer things go on.

my sense a lot of this is unconscious? i pretty much always bring it up if i feel and imbalance, but usually get met with glazed over stares. i can't tell if it's ignorance or the fearful deer in the headlights response? It's hard to know when a person isn't being open lol.

i've also frequently experienced where the other waits, and if i'm not forthcoming, initiating openness, they feel as if it's a failure on my part. It's strange to me how many seem oblivious to what it means to initiate openness. i don't think it's the purview of the Dom or sub to initiate. As a sub, i know it can be culturally easy to take on the role of always being the responder (just talking openness here), but personally, i don't think it's fair for either side to always have to take the risk of initiating openness. i also have seen where a "Dom" can hide behind the "Dom" label. i think this is a two edged sword.

i've found this to be particularly true when it comes to creativity. i know with a lot of the people i encounter this with, it's not just a matter of them lacking ideas or not knowing what they want, or being more vanilla. i can tell by their response when i initiate. Once a detailed scenario/kink is on the table, they respond. But rarely, if ever, do they go first?

Do others experience this? i know there are other factors, like timing, proximity, etc., not including everything in this post. i've tried being slower to open, and often things just die out.

Shaynna​(dom female) • Feb 1, 2022

What often happens to me when I tell someone that I'm into BDSM is that they ask me "What is BDSM?"
And then I have to explain what is it. So far, in real life, I haven't found anyone who also likes it. I had a friend with benefits that after I talked about it got interested in it and was willing to try but before we could even try he ghosted me.

I have no problems saying to my friends and people I meet that I'm into it but I don't tell them my most wild kinks because I'm afraid of their reaction.
I had another friend who I told him some of it and since then he hasn't replied to my texts.

BDSM is part of who I am so I don't intend to hide it. For me, is best to let it out in the open, if people don't want me because of that, I'm fine with that because I prefer open-minded people.

As for others not going first, maybe they don't feel comfortable with what they like or they are afraid that people will leave them if they tell their kinks, or judge them.

I tend to ask my potential partners what fantasies they have, it gives them a chance to open up.

Re: Kink and vulnerability

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Feb 1, 2022

Snipped for focus: I believe *some* dominants throw out their line with a shiny lure attached and wait for a sub/bottom fish to bite. There are those who won't drop their aloof air but rather expect the sub/bottom to do all the soul baring and sharing. Those are the ones I'll shoulder past with a polite "Excuse me, I have other places to be." I've only dealt with that twice and that was over 20 years ago. For me, anyone not willing to meet me halfway has nothing of substance to keep me squirming and flopping on his hook with. To be honest, I doubt they have any authentic dominance in them. My experience over the years has been that someone truly dominant is more than pleased to take the reins and lead by example rather than kick back and wait for the sub to choreograph the dance.

Steellover​(sub male) • Feb 2, 2022

I tend to keep my kinks pretty much in the closet. It's a bit different, and I believe more difficult, for a male who identifies as submissive and kinky, both to find a real-time partner or even have your kinks accepted. About the only "real" people I have ever confessed my feelings and fantasies to have been paid professionals.

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Feb 2, 2022

I honestly believe it’s Dom’s responsibility to create safe heaven for his/her submissive where vulnerability is encouraged and embraced as part of healthy and fulfilling relationship development. And it’s an absolute privilege to be a part of mutual journey when both partners are completely open, transparent and vulnerable with each other!

harleyqt​(sub female) • Feb 4, 2022

This.

Online relationships seem to move at the speed of light these days. So many want to love bomb you right away. Old souls don't fall in love with Meaningless words on a screen or false claims on the phone. It takes time and consistency to build trust to feel safe enough to open up.

Master Raf​(dom male) • Feb 4, 2022

I'm old and it takes a lot of time with me. Most don't want to invest the time, they want quick gratification.

So it goes.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 4, 2022

i think it takes stamina to maintain vulnerability vs feeding off past moments of openness and the memory of that or those experiences. It takes stamina to stay open, but i think mutual dedication to openness can energize and keep it alive.

Listening, looking, hearing, seeing, is work, but to me the alternative is a form of death.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Feb 7, 2022

For me, trying to meet someone online for an intimate relationship or even a friendship is very hard. Nothing takes the place of sitting down across the table from someone over dinner and having a real conversation.

That being said, I do try on occassion. What I usually get for my effort is a lot of one sided conversations where I am in an endless question and answer session that seems to have no end. Totally not for me.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Feb 7, 2022

It's been over 20 years since I've tried an exclusively online relationship but I well remember the frustrations and shortcomings you mention. When all was said and done it was more frustrating than nothing at all - for me at least.