is it possible to overcome devastation

I wrote this after my husband died, as part of a blog. I hope it helps.
I don't know if I feel like a widow newbie anymore. Or perhaps this is just part of the acceptance process. The day Jay died feels like a distant memory. Maybe my brain has isolated it because of the amount of trauma that day. I can remember it moment by moment, not as a dream, rather as an event from many years ago.

I still pile his side of the bed with clutter, not willing to see just a nicely made side of the bed with a pillow that has not been disrupted. I miss him. I miss his hand on my cheek, being called princess, being cherished and loved and told I am beautiful. I miss being held, holding hands, seeing how my large hand looked small in his hand- I so loved that hand.

Before Jay I was content. I was in my early 40s and had resigned myself that I probably would never meet a man who would ask me to be his wife. I didn't believe a man would say "I love you" to me. That there was a man who could accept all of me, to see me as beautiful inside and out, flaws and all. I wanted to get married- don't get me wrong. I just didn't think there was someone who saw a life with me as his wife- someone he would cherish, love and share his life with.

And then Jay came along. A force of nature that had made up his mind that he wanted me in his life. That despite swearing he would never marry again, was determined to make me his wife for the rest of his life.


I'm so sorry for your loss. I also am happy to hear you are taking strides forward, i think i am also. But for me personally the regret doesn't go away and sometimes the guilt i'm still here is suffocating, but i'm trying. God bless you and thank you for sharing

Its been six months since he died. Not a day goes by without missing him, wishing a genie could have granted us a few more good years. But I have moved forward. I can look at our wedding photo and hope for love to find me again. Is it too soon to consider dating and possibly marriage?

No one can determine that for another person. I don't agree with the one-year rule about making big decisions and changes. Life moves too quickly now. In the first month I made more decisions than in the last 4 years. If I didn't take control of my life who would?

What would I tell another person at the six-month mark? Don't let others make your decisions. It's your life! Don't limit your options. Decisions can be changed and new ones made.

Nothing is permanent except for giving away your spouse's clothing and belongings. I thought I would want to keep more shirts and items I could keep smelling. That changed when I realized which charity I would donate his clothing to. I was actually excited knowing his clothing would change a man's life. For me, that was the moment I knew I could let go of "things." They weren't Jay, they were items he used.

You'll know when the time is right for you. You'll know when you are ready to make each decision. Life is about change. I wish Jay had not died. It was not a change I wanted to happen. But I had to quickly decide that while his life had ended, mine had not. As my grandmother and mom said- we are made of strong stock.

I have embraced life again, as best as possible. I experienced a kind of love you dream about. I want to feel that again.

So this widow newbie- while still a widow (I still hate that word)- is stepping forward into a new life. I don't know where I am going. I just know that God has a plan for me. Hope he shows it to me soon.

Hey God- still waiting

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. It may help you to think that by embracing your life, taking steps to let go of guilt, and doing things that make you happy that you’re honoring their life and the memories that you have of them. They would want you to feel ok, and it is not a slight to them to allow yourself to be ok. Things will never go back to being the same, you’ll always hurt but that doesn’t mean that you have to constantly hurt.