Training, Communication and Connection. Positions of power and personal responsibility.

Training, Communication and Connection. Positions of power a

Brandallofu​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2022

There's another topic here that speaks of brat training. I liked the topic, but the replies started devolving into convoluted branches. The usual. But one of the branches was, Who is qualified to train people? Who decides who should teach and who shouldn't? Ahh... Therein lies the rub. So to speak. This can of worms is about just that and not only the reasons why a person is qualified, but issues surrounding the modernization of the Lifestyle and the loss of values toward personal responsibility. Hey... Everything changes and the Lifestyle with it.

The Lifestyle defined by common sense and risk.
The Lifestyle is a contradiction in its existence. An example is PRICK (Rules) versus CNC (No Rules). The Lifestyle lives because there are no rules, but, it lives by rules that everyone follows. Rules versus No Rules, but even the No Rules have rules, really. What does this have to do with training? Who makes the rules on who should train?

Most things in the Lifestyle are about common sense and how it feels. Two opposites, again. It doesn't make sense to do something if it doesn't feel right. Right? Of course not. If it doesn't feel right, that's called risk. But lot of people LOVE risk. We do the risk, because we need to, because if we don't, we will no longer thrive. To thrive is to live, therefore, risk is good. But... risk is bad. Initially, the risk didn't feel good, so it would make sense NOT to do it, yes? No. Risk and Common sense are two different things.

Who decides the risk? The person taking the risk. How do they know? They have someone with experience whom they trust to guide them into it. Or out of it, as the case may be.

What IS training and who decides who does it?
Is training mentoring? Depends on who you ask. In the European and Oriental Lifestyle, training and mentoring are part of the same process. There would be a collective with a whole cache of people with different titles and roles that do different things. It's very specific the roles each play and at what point the handoff to the next level for the initiate is made. It's very formal and proper. A sub petitions, is accepted and handed off to the next person for the training to start. The process continues and it's very measured. The Lifestyle in America takes that same process and condense it all into one person, and, as it's been pointed out, there are no qualifiers to determine who that person should be.

That's fucking stupid. But we all do it. Kind of. So still though, who decides who does it?
Who decides who should train? Unfortunately, the best we've got right now, is the trainee. The one person who doesn't know shit.

The person receiving the training decides.

The Advent of the InterWeb and BDSM
I've been focused on training for the past 20 years. Mostly IRL, but there has been a change over the past ten years. The Internet has really fucked things up. It's great on one hand, because now EVERYBODY can pretend they are a Dom or a Master or whatever, and all you have to do is watch a video, and really, isn't that what the Lifestyle should be? Anybody can be whatever they want and do whatever they want. I mean, that IS part of the Lifestyle, right? Perfectly safe and makes all the sense in the world.

Wait. What?

Communication and Connection
With the past few years and Covid, most of the LA clubs are gone now. Gone are the days of public play and exchanging valuable tips and ideas, trading numbers and invitations to private parties. Gone are the days of sharing what we know with others to make a better monster. But, the Internet is still here and everybody can still pretend, except now, without that valuable exchange, levels of experience are falling away and what is being shared has no heart, has no integrity and very little honor, if any.

But it's great for fucking. Right? Who cares about developing communication and connection if the fucking is good? That damn fucking. It just gets into everything. The next thing you know, commercials will start using sex to sell stuff.

There is nothing wrong with fucking. Not in anyone's idea of life... I hope. But training in the world I came from, wasn't just that. it takes a lot of restraint to have somebody strapped up and not go at it because you're coordinating a bang. That's some shit. That's what training did for me and that's what I relay to others when I work with them.

But that's NOT the Lifestyle. It's supposed to be what ever you want it to be. Right? So.... more fucking.

Perfect.

Two reasons for online. Cerebral and No Hands On.
Online focuses on the cerebral. It embeds standards and fundamentals of interacting. It conveys experience and if done right, creates a very clear understanding of what is what, why and how do you know. Online is an opportunity to really go deep into the person and why a person chooses what they do and how to have what they want and need. To do it right is hard. it takes a LOT of time and dedication. All of this happens without ANY hands on, so there are no illusions and no confusion from starting in training and winding up fucking. Yeah, I know.... that never happens IRL.

Online creates communication and a deeper connection than you will likely EVER have IRL in the first months of exposure to this. But again, the time involved is massive. If you have any sense of personal responsibility, training online is NOT easy. Communication and connection are the reasons people find a home here. Exceptions to every rule, I realize. But still...


So who made me God and what qualifies me to train?
I don't know about God, but I do know this post is probably going to make me a fool.
What qualifies me? Not much. I've got a trophy in my basement somewhere that says "Worlds Best Trainer". I think I got it at thrift store somewhere in the sporting goods section.

It depends on what the trainee, wants. If you have a brain tumor, you don't go to a dentist. If you want to do rope suspension work, you don't go to a Sadist. Well, you could I suppose, but ... you know. If you want to be humiliated, you don't ask a boitoi sub to grill you. Why not you may ask?
Seriously.

So it comes down to connection and communication. Again. If you are good at what you do, people know it . If you are a flake, they know that. From what I understand, training bombs all the time, so... other people pick up the slack, help where ever they can and hopefully not too much damage has occurred to cause the trainee to never want to come back. I'm sure that never happens.

Contrary to what some people posting believe, there are valuable, credible experiences to be had and it's so much more than shaping everyone to the desires of the one doing the training. It's about preparing the trainee for their life ahead and so they have the best possible understanding of who they are, what they really want and need. That's fucking ridiculous. Nobody does that.

Uh huh.

But that just means the trainer imposes his views on the trainee for his or her own personal agenda.

yeah... and.... What if my agenda is about trying to repair the damage that people do to each other while pretending to know what they're doing as a pretend trainer? "Oh come on. That's not a thing"

It's a thing.

The REALLY important things to teach involve the mindset a person should have before they even put a whip in hand. Honor and integrity HAVE to be in place, no matter if there are rules or not. And, because one person takes command of the other (usually) communication and connection HAVE to be in place.

If you're in a position of power, personal responsibility comes first. The basis of training.

Okay, I'm really burned out from writing this thing. I hope some of it makes sense.

Zelia • Mar 7, 2022

I’m going to respond to each point as I read it because this is a long post that came from my convoluted branch 🤣 cheeky

You offer PRICK and CNC as an example of contradiction. PRICK as having rules, yet is PRICK about rules? Personal responsibility informed consensual kink… no mention of rules, except consensual. It evolved to give that very flexibility; SSC I see as rules. The rules being that everything should be safe sane and consensual. CNC is offered as an example of no rules. CNC is alllll about rules. The rules are set before the session. In detail. That’s what makes it work. You can’t walk into CNC with no rules. Some stupid fucker would actually kill someone. At the risk of being pedestrian, I guess I should nod to the slave with no rules where every session is a bit of CNC. That’s another complex topic altogether.

Risk is a hideously complex issue. Risk of bleeding through knife play or asphyxiation through breath play is my thing. Risk of mental damage through putting my ‘training’ in the hands of some under qualified ‘Master’ or even tasking without adequate care is not my thing. The latter is much more worrisome to me.

Onto training, who is qualified to train me? Absolutely nobody touches me other than my Master and I’ve been His for a considerable period of time. He doesn’t train me. He helps me evolve into a better version of myself on a nice continuum.

I have not come across a single Dom or Master who doesn’t use the title ‘trainer’ to their own advantage with a sub, particularly a new sub. I really do wish I had. I wish there was one person I’d met who enjoyed training subs because they enjoyed seeing her evolve and grow as a person in their chosen role. I’ve been around a while and run groups on other platforms, yet I haven’t met a single Dom who has wanted to train a sub for any reason other than to receive her tasks and wank to them, or to engage without the commitment of a dynamic so they didn’t have to be accountable to the sub for what they do outside of training. That sounds callous, and it likely is, but it is also true. They do exist I’m sure, somewhere.

Online training often leads to nothing more than fucking with a hairbrush in the bathroom or tying elastics round your nipples while you lap your dinner up off the floor without cutlery. These are experiences. Not training. Those is are very shallow examples, but sadly very common. Note I said ‘often’ not always, I am aware that it’s not always the case. Some do take the time to encourage research of important topics in a methodical fashion, to explore kinks and the reasons they may be enjoyed or otherwise, to ensure the sub knows they have a voice in and how to use it respectfully, to really explore the fundamentals of the lifestyle with someone without crossing the lines of dependency and without using the opportunity to build a wank bank.

My favoured form of training for anyone new to the lifestyle is to read, read online blogs (not here, blogs written with conveying information about the lifestyle as their primary focus), find people to follow, engage in actual training at events. One of the beauties of the pandemic is that lots of in person training events now offer online too. See how a flogger should be handled by watching demonstrations, attend online seminars led by people who have years of experience. Engage in discussion groups. Learn what your own limits are and be aware of what a healthy dynamic looks before even entering. All your nerve endings might beg you to engage with someone in the name of training, but take a step back and make sure you negotiate what that training will look like before you begin

Brandallofu​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2022

JustAlice... I enjoyed reading you. Your views are not far removed from most.
Prick and CNC... I think you're saying the same thing with different words. I was pointing out that one has rules, the other pretends it doesn't, but it does. I was struggling with visuals on putting that together, but your point is what I was I attempting to make. Clumsily, but made, just the same. I probably could have used SSC, but... Oh well.
CNC is agreed on no rules... and that's a rule. Pfft. That was the point. I probably could have left Prick out of it altogether and been better off, but... again... .oh well. Thanks for the help.

Who is qualified to train you? yeah... your answer is perfect. You have someone in a connection that means something and I would like to think it's deep. A lot of people dont. Hence the wheel turns.

I don't mean to be abrasive, as that's not my intention, but in your commentary about not meeting one single Dom who did it for the valor of it... er... well. Now you have. I know I'm strange that way, but my issues from my past created a vacuum and in my therapy to myself, I have a need to create a positive experience where most don't understand what that means. I may not be gifted or talented in the ways of rope work, and my suspension work is certainly clumsy... and fun. I'm not the most terrifying sadist, but Lord I do enjoy it and always willing to learn. But what I am, is none of the things you're suggesting I am by putting a stamp of disapproval on the topic as a whole. If I sold used cars, I wouldn't feel great about my line of work unless I made it a point to do things unlike all the other car salesman. That's supposing of course that all used car salesmen are scams. I'm sure they aren't all like that. But you don't know.

My point for posting up is so that maybe someone, a Dom for example, who hasn't been doing this that long, or someone who hasn't wasted years of their life trying to figure out what way is up (like me), or even a newbie sub... would see this post and know there is something to be had from words like honor and trust and integrity. Not everyone has to be a scum bag just because they don't know what they're doing. People can see these types of posts and get something good out of it.
That's silly I know. But that's what I think.

I could address the other points you make, but I like what you're saying overall and I think that point of view is an important contrast. I appreciate that you took the time to comment. It's a good thing.

I think the way you see training is not too far removed from just about every other person I know, have met or read. The barrage of bitterness and disdain is always palpable. That's one of the reasons I posted the main topic. Everyone thinks training is a sham and with good reason. I really am sorry for all the millions of people who have been on the receiving end of stupidity and while I can honestly say there was a time I was equally the stupid one perpetrating from not well defined intentions, I haven't been that way for quite some time. I'm proud of that.
Still, the fact remains, most of it is a sham. Most training is a way for people to use other people. It's not going to stop. But it could change.
I think.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 8, 2022

Wow, Brandallofu, what great posts. i found you balanced and engaging, important stuff i would look for and want/need in a Dom. The only pause i had was when i read:

"Who decides who should train? Unfortunately, the best we've got right now, is the trainee. The one person who doesn't know shit. "

Based on how i read your other expressed thoughts, i told myself: "he doesn't really mean it, or in the absolute way he stated, or the way i read what he wrote"?

To me, "training" and teaching are pretty much, or mostly, synonymous. i practiced martial arts for 25 years. i bowed to and obeyed my instructors, and some i called "master," but i suspect we were both always learning, and in a sense, both always being trained by each other. For instance, and in my martial arts context: one of my instructors once stood on a chair and held a target in his upraised and extended arm. i'm 6'5" and had a decent axe kick, which is a kick that involves a lot of height. He wanted me to do a running and jumping axe kick, which involves maximum height. It's also much riskier than a 'normal' axe kick. The long and short of it is i performed the kick well, but landed in a way where i blew out my knee.

Telling that story in a kink community, and exchanging the kick for a kink, one would likely get all sorts of responses some blaming the instructor/Dom for error of judgement, or the student/sub for maybe submitting wrong, etc. To me, a prime lesson is for both: relationship where one directs and the other submits involves risk.

Since i am responding to You specifically, i'm including You in the risk. As i read You (at face value), "Honor and integrity," are important qualities for you to practice and maintain. In the fluid, moving machine of life, "maintain" may involve (or not) an adjustment. i'd bet that particular instructor would pause the next time he asked someone to do that kick, that there would be added elements he'd consider. He learned from me, i from him. If those who submit to him keep getting injured, it calls his skill and honor into question.

i've been in teaching positions and positions of authority most of my life. my biggest fuck ups have happened when i assumed my student didn't know shit (even when they didn't lol). i think when we know something ahead of time, it also means we can stop looking or listening (we don't need to, we already 'know' ).

i think what makes one a 'master' is that they have mastered their own ego and understand that humility is a power position. i don't think most people are accustomed to being listened too, or looked at. Consequently, i don't think most people are accustomed to being truly heard or seen. A "Dom' who can demonstrate they see and hear has a naked person in front of them.

Brandallofu​(dom male) • Mar 8, 2022

Tallslender... Fabulous. Thanks so much for the kind words. I think they might be a little over the top? But appreciated greatly just the same. I've taken a few shots in my personal life lately and threw this stuff up on the boards as a way of venting. That personal therapy of "throwing ones stones into the Universe and seeing what floats" kind of thing. Naturally, depending on the Universe, they can sink or float. Mine have been sinking when I was so hoping the opposite, so I appreciate your kind commentary.
My comment about the "person who doesn't know shit" is a begrudgingly subtle shout out to the community that castigates training as being a lambasting of common sense. I wasn't meaning it in a derogatory manner to the Newbie. Good point to bring up though and you did it well. I think you are unique in the sense that you do a deep dive into the words and that speaks for itself.
Yes, honor and integrity mean a lot to me. That isn't to say that at times training can go off the rails, because the road to hell is paved with.... blah blah blah... but for most part, I try to live my life that way. I like that it resonates with you as well. You are one of the few and far between it would seem. And I would say that it's all good, except this is one time when the moniker, "If they all did it, nobody would be special", doesn't apply.

I liked your teaching analogy , but I disagree with the thing about assuming a student doesn't know anything. It depends on what that "thing" is. Someone in bdsm might be an all star newbie when it comes to putting on a blindfold, but obviously if they are being prepped for a decent flogging, a lot of ground work has to be laid down so they don't get blown out. In other words, they haven't done it before and they don't know shit about what's coming. Other than that I didn't mean it in a derogatory way.

Enjoyed your writing and your thinking. Thanks for posting.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 8, 2022

In my case that would likely be "under the Top."

Seriously though, i felt i didn't say enough, so i think Your demeanor underlines my point about "humility," to Your additional credit.

And thanks for the clarification of the sub who "doesn't know shit." i felt you meant something different.

Throw your stones (and/or their contents) into the universe and you might find yourself the surprised Daddy of an alien. Not every swimmer finds the egg on every 'throw', and even then, only one in a hundred million produces anything, the rest becomes 'waste.' Nature!?! (wink)